this needed to live.

This text is retrieved from the guts of the Web as it appears that the original post from the blog of Duchess St. Rollins just disappeared…   This is also a good reminder that ANYTHING posted on the Web starts the life of it’s own. The Web never forgets.
(Original: http://blog.duchessstrollins.com/2012/08/30/a-letter-to-ann-romney/.)
It’s a very well written piece but there is some colorful language that might offend more prudish readers… You have been warned.

HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE THE DUCHESS

A letter to Ann Romney…

AUGUST 30, 2012
If I hear Ann Romney talk about how she and Mitt lived in a “basement apartment” and “ate lots of pasta and tuna” because he’s a self-made man and “nobody handed him his success,” I might fucking implode…or worse.  The thing about these people that scares the shit out of me is that they are so detached from reality they can’t even understand WHY us “common people” are annoyed.  Maybe a letter is in order.

Dear Ann Romney,
No one really gives a shit that you are rich.  No one begrudges you a good life or is insinuating that Mitt didn’t work hard to earn your money.  Granted, “working hard” may have a vastly different meaning than taking over companies, loading them with debt, gutting them and then collecting huge fees to anyone with a modicum of conscience and decency, but we’ll get into that, as well as the tax havens and loopholes he milks for every last time, some other time.
What you don’t seem to be able to get through your pretty little blond cranium is that, while you may have had to live in an apartment sans multiple Cadillacs and dancing horses in your college days, you always knew that there was a familial safety net there to catch you if you fell.  You didn’t had to live with the terrorizing realization that your lights might get turned off at any moment because you chose to buy food or medicine for your kids instead of paying your overdue utility bill.  You weren’t working two jobs while going to college, and STILL living in constant fear of eviction. You never had to apply for Food Stamps because your spouse died and then cower in embarrassment at the grocery store checkout counter, aware of the judgmental faces all around you glaring at the nice cake you put in your cart because it was the ONLY thing you could get your son for his 5th birthday.
In other words, you living like many of us live our entire lives for a couple of years isn’t reality…it’s a cute story, an anecdote to chuckle over at Thanksgiving dinner in one of your many mansions.  It’s bullshit.  You don’t know what it’s like to be a regular American any more than I know what it’s like to be a Sudanese orphan or a fucking amoeba.  I think it would make us all feel slightly better if you would just conjure up a little goddamned humility and admit that.
What is even more perplexing and infuriating is that the political party you endorse begrudges a social safety net to those not fortunate enough to be born into a supportive family.  You don’t seem to grasp the fact that a stroke of PURE LUCK afforded you a start in life that most of us can only dream about.  I’m not saying that your family didn’t have problems, as I’m sure they did, but regardless, they were able to care for you in a way that gave you huge educational and financial advantages.  And, good for you!  I’m happy for you and any other person that is raised in a stable environment.  The difference between us is that I realize that when some poor soul is born into a situation with, say, a meth-addicted mother and an absent father, it is our job as society to make sure they have at least a chance in life.
We’re not all envious, Ann.  We don’t want to take what you have or villainize you because you are able to live a luxurious lifestyle.  We just want you to show some respect and compassion for all those not as blessed as you have been and confess that you have no idea what their lives are  really like.  In short, we want you to stop being such a self-deluded, egocentric daft cunt.
Love,
Us People

Grocery Shopping in South Florida...

Walmart Neighborhood Market (Hialeah 103rd St) : There are a lot of things that I love about shopping here. The produce prices are SUPER LOW! They give other major chains a run for their money with tomatoes being 20 cents a pound cheaper, avocados at 88 cents each instead of $1 each and so on. The biggest con with the produce is that you'll be hard pressed to find any certified organic produce (or anything organic for that matter) for the exception of some prepackaged baby greens and broccoli.
The meat is well priced and they have plenty of choice cuts. I got two T-bones for $9, a package of 3 NY Strips for $9, I haven't cooked them yet so we'll see about quality soon enough. They do have product that most places don't have because they don't have the departments like most mass grocers do. In leau of a deli department they have pre-sliced packages of deli meat similar to what you would find at the deli counter, but guess what... no taking numbers, no waiting, no debating on sliced thickness... it's all just right there. Instead of a bakery department they have prepackaged cupcakes and sliced cake in a cooler and pastries in a heated walk around with wax paper and paper bags so you can help yourself.
 They also have Coca-cola and Pepsi products in 18 can and 24 can packages at about 25% discount per can from most other grocers. Their dry good department is one to be reckoned with, with an extensive selection of baby care goods and personal care products, but lacking variety in pet food. But with the prices as low as they were I didn't mind not having a coupon for any of the brands they carried.
The Dairy selection was greatly limited as well. They have 2 brands of milk, a store brand and I think MacArthur for almost twice the price, and no organic selections. They only have one brand of Almond milk, and 2 brands of Soy milk, only one of which was fair trade and organic. There egg selection was weak too. They have cage- free/free range/grain-fed hen eggs, but no certified organic eggs to speak of.
There were other things that made the store attractive. In every department I was asked if I needed help, granted this is Hialeah so no one spoke English, but it was still nice. The produce department had misters much like the newer Winn-Dixies do, but they don't have motion sensors so keep in mind that entering the produce department that you will be misted while grabbing a head of lettuce. Next to the dairy selection they have a pastry rack filled with "day-old" baked goods at a serious discount, which is fun. There was one little detail that I adored, the cashiers wore vinyl gloves and changed them out after each transaction. I like. Very much. But the severe lack of organic product will probably keep me at bay.

Publix (Biscayne and 20th, Biscayne and 95th): What I love about Publix is their variety of organic products. It's insane! The new Publix I frequent on my way to or from work on 20th and Biscayne gives whole foods or fresh market a run for their money, with a vast selection of ready-to eat products that are healthy and cater to very specific dietary needs and a huge selection of certified organic produce at an astonishingly reasonable price. What I love about my Publix on 96th St is that they have receptacles by the front door to recycle plastic bags and Styrofoam trays.

Winn-Dixie (107th at 7th ave): The better things about Winn-Dixie is their sales on meats and their eagerness to just give things away. Their produce is much more pricey, and regular groceries are about the same price as other grocers. The benefits of their customer rewards program is pretty awesome tho. You can not only save money on groceries by being a member, but save money on gas. But that's all they really have to offer. I'm not a big fan of visiting this Winn-Dixie because I feel like I'm taking my own life in my hands, but if I can score a damn good deal, then so be it. lol.

Yellow-Green Farmer's Market (Taft, just east of 95): Love this place. Yellow-green is like the holy grail of South Florida farmer's markets in that everything I could possibly need at a grocer is available at the market sold by local entrepreneurs. When I have a late in-time at work, I'll take CJ to the market for lunch. I wish I could be a more devout Market go-er, but alas they are only open Saturday and Sunday. Lame.  There is a gentleman selling his grass fed hens eggs, chickens and beef from his local farm, and 2 or 3 stands selling produce. Now, keep in mind that I can't verify that any of the produce is organic or local grown except that one stand says "Local Produce" on it. They also didn't have any prices on their fruit, but as a whole the prices of produce where the lowest of any other grocer option, and I felt better buying produce from a neighbor then the fat-cats at Walmart.

I bought some yummy goodies too! I stopped at the french bakery for some freshly baked sliced rye bread, whole grain bread and a couple of slices of some super yummy apple pie. Then stopped by a young lady selling honey and bought some locally harvested coffee honey. The honey isn't infused with coffee but is made from the bees who pollinate the coffee bean plants. It's so much smoother, lighter and sweeter than regular wild flower honey your used to. She had other honey too like palmetto and orange blossom and had them set up in a honey bar of sorts so you can try the different flavors.

I then bought some of the BEST grade B maple syrup I have ever had in my life and maple sugar and some loose leaf tea from a gentleman next to the honey stand. I also got some raw cat's claw (shit heals EVERYTHING)  herb and Maca root powder from a super knowledgeable young herbalist. I bought some organic coffee and chai tea that is blended with a sort of mushroom that has over 100 antioxidants in it. Hey, I'm game. (and no, you don't taste the mushroom.) All and all, I LOVED IT! But if you plan on bringing the shorties, be sure to bring some Off! spray cause CJ got eaten alive by mosquitoes. I can't wait to go again!

 

How I shop for groceries.

I've had a few people ask me how I go about getting the savings I do, so here it is... the complete explanation. Now mind you, I am a novice at this but I usually take home a savings of between $100-$200 every two weeks when I do my shopping. No too shabby if I say so myself. Once I get my printer hooked up and I'm able to tab into the online coupon world, I'm pretty sure my savings with be through the roof! Now this will take time, but I dedicate about an hour total a week on coupon-ing and it saves me tons!

Step One: Make sure you have access to as many coupon and "weekly's" sources as possible. In Miami I will only shop at either Publix or Winn Dixie solely because I don't speak Spanish. I just like knowing what I'm buying...so I make sure I get the weekly's for both of these stores every Thursday when they are released. I also get the Sunday paper for coupons and red plum and valuepak coupon mailings. If you have a printer, there are TONS of websites where you can print out manufacturer's coupons.

Step Two: Cut them all, but know what you're willing to give up and what you're willing to splurge on. So let's say you have used Product X body wash for the past 5 years and you're running low but can't find a coupon for it. You do how ever have a coupon for Product Y body wash which also happens to be on sale.... now you should be MORE than happy to switch brands, but if it's a situation where you can't use that particular brand because of a skin condition, then skip it...no sale is worth the drama. You can always give the coupon to another money saving Momma or swap coupons with a friend.

Step Three: Stay organized! When I started clipping coupons I kept them haphazardly in labeled envelopes and attempted to put them in chronological order. I worked, don't get me wrong, but it was far from efficient and frankly, an embarrassing mess at checkout. I keep a three-ringed binder that zips shut and has a handle. ($12-15 at most places that sell school supplies) I then have dividers that separate by type of coupon (ie: beauty, pet food, hygiene, dry foods, beverage, produce, OTC Drugs, etc...) Then in those sections I keep 2 plastic inserts, the first one holds the coupons that will expire at the end of that month, and the other holds coupons that will expire later on. Some people use the little plastic inserts that are used to hold baseball or collector cards. I can see the use in this, but yet to have come across them. Then I keep my weekly's in the front pouch for reference if I need to compare produce or meat prices.  

Step Four: Buy what you need when you need it. If I see I'm down to 10-20 diapers, I start stalking sales and the best prices I can find. I'm not one to stock up on anything unless it won't expire anytime soon, I have extra money and it's an AMAZING DEAL. The item literally has to meet all three requirements for my to back stock on it. Items like pastas, jarred or canned foods, and toiletries for the most part fit this requirement. Publix and Winn Dixie usually run BOGO (buy one get one free) sales on Pasta and Pasta sauces about every two weeks. If I had a good week at work and I have a coupon for the product I'll buy some to stock pile for a rainy day. Produce has a tendancey to go bad fairly quickly so if it's a great deal and you end up buying more than you will conventionally use, consider going online for new and exciting recipes or learn to can. Seriously! If you found an amazing deal on Strawberries (which btw: this week are $1.77/pt at Winn Dixie) and you bought 4 pints because you expected to spend $5 on berries, but only ate 1.5 pints in the course of 2 weeks, break out your pots and pans and a few mason jars and get to making some jams and jellies. Most grocers sell canning supplies and it's a great way to reduce waste. Not enough cupboard space? Tie on a pretty bow and BOOM! Instant hostess gift, birthday gift, whatever gift. People will love that you made it yourself and will think of you every time they spread their jelly in the morning :) So happy!

Step Five: Compare! I never buy anything unless it's on sale or I have a coupon. The best savings happen when I have both. For instance, Winn Dixie has these great sales where you buy something for $11-$12 and get 4 or 5 items for free. Now here's the interesting part. If you have coupons for any of the items in the deal, it counts towards lowering your bottom price. When grocers offer deals like this, it shows up in the cash register as if the store is paying for the item. The item is still getting paid for, just not by you, so manufacturer coupons are still valid. Another great trick is getting store specific coupons and manufacturer coupons for the same item. This is a little bit trickier because usually the store won't issue coupons for an item that they know the manufacturer has issued, but a lot of times you can get savings on the manufacturer websites. Procter and Gamble are always willing to send you coupon books when you sign up to their mailing list, as well as some companies offer promotions to LIKE their Facebook pages. Be sure to read the fine print on the coupons to make sure you can use more than one coupon on one item. Also check the weekly's and compare prices on produce and meats. For instance, grapes and cherries were and entire .50 cents a pound cheaper at Publix than Winn Dixie and considering how much I love to snack on these items, I ended up saving $2.00 just by buying them at Publix. Winn Dixie and Publix sell the t.p I use for about the same price; $9.99. But at Winn Dixie, I could get the size up (normally $12.99) for the same price if I had a winn dixie card and I had a $1.00 off coupon! WOOHOO! That's like getting 6 extra rolls of the same exact product for FREE, just for opening my eyes and having a Winn Dixie card.

Step Six: Don't be afraid to broaden your horizons. This can be taken a few different ways. One way is that if you have to travel out of your way for a good deal it better be a GOOD deal. For instance, Target had a sale on "Simply" juice products, 2/ $4. Ok, this $2 less then what Winn Dixie OR Publix have it on SALE for and happens to be my FAVORITE JUICE EVER. Plus they had good prices on cat food (of which I have coupons for) and cute spider man clothes for CJ. DEAL! But also broaden your horizons with food too! Hummus is on sale at Publix... have you ever tried it? Ever make a Hummus and seaweed salad? Or use hummus instead of regular condiments on a sandwich? It's super yummy! Or sprinkle some lime juice and top with cilantro jalapeno and diced tomato for an interestingly yummy party dip or nacho topping. Just because it's different than what you normally buy, don't be afraid to try it. Flounder and Cod filets were on sale at Winn Dixie (BOGO) so I plan on making almond crusted flounder with brown rice and home made salsa verde one night for dinner and the beer battered fried cod for fish n chips for lunch or dinner another night. (Publix had red potatoes, for the chips, on sale for .89 cents a pound.)

Step Seven: Save the planet while you save money. When you're done with your weekly's, recycle them. Bring your plastic bags back to the store to be recycled or just use cloth bags. Have your meats wrapped in paper so they don't cross contaminate other groceries in your bag. If there are no amazing deals on produce the week that you will be going shopping or if you're willing to spend a few extra bucks, go to your local farmer's market and buy local and organic. For instance, I REFUSE to buy honey at a mass grocer. I will only buy locally harvested honey. It's an extra $2.00 but I know I'm helping my local bee keepers, which in turn keeps my environment on point and pollinated. (Without pollination, the world would be without food) I also prefer buying my fish from a local fish monger, and buying flowers local (they're usually a better deal anyway) Produce can be hit or miss, sometimes the prices are as good as the mass grocers and often the same product. Look for stickers on the produce or even ask if the produce came from their own farm. If it's not locally grown, you're better off getting it at your grocer (the chances of poor food handling is greatly reduced). But another great things about farmer's markets is that usually you will discover a new flavor that you never knew you couldn't live without. For me it was Lavender infused Honey or locally grown citrus green tea leaves! Usually when people create or grow their own product, they aren't afraid to compliment the flavors they've worked so hard to create giving you the upper hand on gourmet foods, without the epicurean price!

And that's it. Does it take time? YES! Will you have thousands of dollars a year? YES! Like I said, it takes me about an hour a week to clip and get organized, but the way I see it, it's almost like getting paid $50+ an hour to clip coupons, and I'm okay with that :)

Good evening readers! Out of all the things I gave up when I found out I was pregnant, not many of them returned... except one. I was a hardcore LUSHIE. For those of you who are not in the know, Lush is a Canadian bath product company that makes all natural and super yummy products. I would spend hundreds of dollars on bath bombs and soaps and lotions and soak in an amazing bubble bath almost every night and still had a stock pile of product that I knew I would never go through. Now, don't ever think that this single working mom of a 17-month old boy has ANY time for baths, but my son sure does. In fact he gets a bath every night...you see where I'm going with this don't you. I have to say out of all my pre-pregnancy habits, being a Lushie has been my son's favorite by far. Every night he plays in lovely smelly bubbles and colored bath water sometimes playing with glitter and sometimes playing with confetti. All this has led me to a different way of thinking about raising my son. When you were a kid I'm sure you would react to something your parents would do with "I will never do that to my kid." Well what were the things that your parents did for you that you can't wait to do for your kids? I have decided to concentrate on raising my son in the positivity of being an American kid. MY American kid. For so long I would think that being a Mom is super serious business and in that, I forgot how to play. Playing is essential to learning and crucial to proper development. I mean parenting is important, but who says it can't be fun and engaging? It's time to no longer care about what's "normal" and be silly and amazing in my son's eyes. After all, I see the woman I need to be in my son's eyes :)

On my journey to the body, mind and life I want....

...I have been researching the latest and greatest in scientific knowledge on what (foods, activities, behaviors) is good for us.... and wouldn't you know it.. I have been gorging out on sugar and hopelessly depressed. I know what to do. I know exactly what I need to do to be the person I want to be, but for some reason, I can't get out of this "dream" phase. Then while watching Dr.Oz today he had a shrink on the show that said something that sort of made sense. It was something along the lines of using the "pain" associated with healthier foods and exercise as fuel instead of a deterrent. That's all good and well, and maybe that's why I am so afraid to continue. Maybe because it's just easier to be sedentary and eat whatever I please. I was eating a Klondike bar today when Chris came over to make dinner. "Geez, eating those again?" Was what he said rude? Sure. But WTF! I was EATING THOSE AGAIN! I know better... WTF! So as per usual, I hit the internet (of course not without finishing my klondike) with the initial attempt to find some more information on a program I should go on. Like I said I know better, I guess I was trying to find some inspiration and I stumbled across the Paleo-Diet. I had heard of it before and in fact the only times I had ever been successful at losing weight was following a variation of this way of nutrition. It makes sense to me. Check it out:

More Health and Fitness News & Tips at Greatist.
So needless to say this is my first entry on my new conquest in life: To live MY BEST LIFE!!!

"Finding" yourself....

Sometimes I wonder where we went astray trying to "find" ourselves. It seems like that's the thing to do when you're in your early 20's and you're absolutely retarded. What the hell did we think we were going to find? Eureka! I'm meant to be a blah blah blah. Wow, what a waste of time. Meanwhile we quit the things that would actually be beneficial to us... most likely, school. Ugh.

Seemingly, in my generation at least, the skipping of college years may have actually been beneficial considering the economic downfall our country underwent. Just as all my college-going colleagues where being laid-off their recently acquired corporate need-at-least-a-bachelor's-degree-to-even-apply jobs, I was okay. Not GREAT, being an underpaid single mom isn't AWESOME, but okay.

That's really when you tend to find yourself... when you're not okay. When you have built up this entire life you have been told is the right life as an American adult only to have it all stripped away. That's when you are at your rawest. What are you willing to do for your family? For your survival? Are you someone that can rise and flourish in the face of adversity or will you just conform and ride the wave to where it takes you? It may not be losing the career you spent 4+ years and thousands of dollars on education for, but maybe the loss of a loved one, or just a "series of bad luck." At some point you have to have dealt with the rawest of who you are.

Then there's the dreaming... of the perfect life. The perfect body, car, husband, career, family... life. Which is all fine and good, I will never negate anyone's dreams... they are super powerful, but what about the life you have now? I too am guilty of paying too much attention the to life I THINK I want then stopping and taking a look at the life I've been given. This glorious messed up little life I live.

When did I stop counting my blessings and started trying to keep up with other peoples blessings? I'll tell you when... When I was trying to FIND myself.

Uhmm, yea HELLO! You're right here dummy. Not there, HERE, IN THE NOW! Act like it! Like I said, dreams are powerful and goals? AWESOME! But don't neglect the life you have RIGHT NOW.

I have a great little roof over my head in an amazing neighborhood. There is nothing I love more then coming over that bridge after a long hard night at work and leaving the day in the bay. I have so much! My car is awesome... well loved and running great. Sure she could use a bath, but so could the cats. My cats greet me and my son every morning by jumping on their backs for a belly rub. The cuties! My support system is amazing. I know my family and extended family will be there for me always and my son will never need for anything. I really have an amazing life.

Now, it's time to make the most of what I've got. I've always wanted to have a garden... My 5 day old seedling have just sprouted! I feel like a new Mommy! Coming home to my little seedlings is another little joy before I walk into my home, my sanctuary. Granted, there isn't a lot of space for the FARM I essentially desire... but I'll make the most of what I've got. So far I have watermelon, cantaloupe, pumpkin, sunflower and cucumber seedlings that have all come in 4 days sooner than expected :) I have tea rose, lavender, rosemary, oregano, hibiscus, strawberry and red bell pepper growing like crazy! I love it! I plan on a little more organization then I'll be ready to transplant and come this fall, we'll be ready to harvest! It'll truly be magical being able to can and give away my garden's harvest! So to all my friends and family... I sure hope you like homemade canned goods, MERRY CHRISTMAS! HA! And hopefully that means carving the pumpkins from the garden for Halloween... that would be simply amazing.

I had dropped my confection and make-up hustle to work 50-60 hour weeks supervising at the Rock. In turn I have been going through the management candidate gamut in hopes of finally getting the promotion. I am so grateful for this opportunity you have no idea. It can be daunting at times, but I have to remind myself that I truly deserve this and I know I am capable if given the chance. As of the last few weeks, I have worked considerably less hours due to the fact that the new managers started. Blessing! Yea sure, my pay checks have been cut in half, but now I get to pick up where I left off with my businesses and of course, with being a MOM. I missed my little guy so much the past 4 or 5 months it's crazy. I know he missed me too. He's going thru hella crazy separation anxiety right now so it's EXTRA heart wrenching to be away from him.

Just as the universe would have it, after my schedule at the Rock was cut in half, I got three make up bookings for May almost the same day! HIGH FIVE UNIVERSE! I went to a workshop tonight for my colleague's growing mobile beauty business that I will be a part of as well. So super excited!

So I guess that's what it's all about... you're not lost... no need to find yourself. Just live the best possible life you can. Operation Best Life...

Hello Again....

I know I haven't posted in, well, forever... but here I sit and it's almost 1am. CJ's asleep.. he's 15 months now and walking and trying to talk. My Mom is asleep... she leaves in a few days, I'm going to miss her. And I'm up, as usual... dreaming about the life I want for my son.

I'm at a crossroads in my life and it seems like my decisions on where my family and I will be in the next year are dependent on the attitudes and decisions of others...
kinda weird.

I'm hoping for a promotion at work... working hard and hoping. Lighting candles even. I'm pushing for them to keep me in Miami too. But if not I am still prepared.

Starting to save money... which is a nice change...

Giving HIM one last chance to try to make our family work... every bone in my body is telling me he will fail... but at least I gave him a last chance.

Started eating healthier and exercising and I feel a ton better... finally got my periods back on track too... thank Goddess!

I'm going to go and lay down with my shorty... my new goal is to try to post as close to daily as possible... let's try n see :)

Just die already!

Change is a funny thing. When one decides to undergo a change, they are allowing a part of them to die. Maybe that's why some people are so resistant to change. They can't stand to admit a part of them is old and wrong. Or maybe it's just too comforting and familiar? I need to make so many changes right now. Physically, emotionally, financially... The big three need a total overhaul. If I was serious about it, I would eat only salads and work out everyday until I vomited, let everything just GO and quit my job. But i'm not that crazy... yet.

Today's Affirmative Hyku

Tall strong beautiful
I am like an old oak tree
Roots planted firmly

Questions....

1. In one sentence, who are you? -A fun-loving mom, daughter and friend with an easy laugh and a stern hand
2. Why do you matter?-I'm a dedicated Mommy who has a lot to offer, once given the chance.
3. What is your life motto?-Go BIG or go home
4. What’s something you have that everyone wants?-Love, my son, confidence, happiness.
5. What is missing in your life?-My own home and a partner to share my life with
6. What’s been on your mind most lately? Making money
7. Happiness is a ________? -Virtue
8. What stands between you and happiness? -My son, he's the glue that keeps happiness and I together
9. What do you need most right now? -Need? nothing.
10. What does the child inside you long for? -a play date
11. What is one thing right now that you are totally sure of? -My future is bright and amazing
12. What’s been bothering you lately? -My son's father
13. What are you scared of? -not being there for my son when he needs me.
14. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing? -a lot of really fun stuff!!! stupid fears!
15. What will you never give up on? -my son, true love, myself
16. What do you want to remember forever? -My son right now at 10 months old
17. What makes you feel secure? -My home, my Mom.
18. Which activities make you lose track of time? -Painting, creating, crafting, decorating cakes, makeup, shopping, volunteering, coffee with friends, playing tickle monster with my son.
19. What’s the most difficult decision you’ve ever made? -Leaving my sons father.
20. What’s the best decision you’ve ever made? -Leaving my sons father.
21. What are you most grateful for? -My life, my family, my sense of humor, confidence and love.
22. What is worth the pain? -Childbirth.
23. In order of importance, how would you rank: happiness, money, love, health, fame? -happiness, health, love, money, fame.
24. What is something you’ve always wanted, but don’t yet have? - A home of my own
25. What was the most defining moment in your life during this past year? -Giving birth
26. What’s the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months? -Moving on, not creating the drama.
27. What’s the number one thing you want to achieve in the next five years? -A house and debt free life for my son and I
28. What is the biggest motivator in your life right now? -My son
29. What will you never do? -Compromise my son's well being
30. What’s something you said you’d never do, but have since done?- Sell myself short
31. What’s something new you recently learned about yourself? -I still got it.
32. What do you sometimes pretend to understand that you really do not? -Being a Mom. lol
33. In one sentence, what do you wish for your future self? - To be living my best possible life, constantly learning and striving for success.
34. What worries you most about the future? -The world my son will grow up in.
35. When you look into the past, what do you miss most? -Being carefree.
36. What’s something from the past that you don’t miss at all? -Being dependent on other peoples love and acceptance.
37. What recently reminded you of how fast time flies? -My son walking.
38. What is the biggest challenge you face right now? -Finances and getting my businesses up and running
39. In one word, how would you describe your personality? -Mutable lol
40. What never fails to frustrate you? -Injustice, Inconsideration and Ignorance
41. What are you known for by your friends and family? -Being a lil crazy, but a rock none the less.
42. What’s something most people don’t know about you? -I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
43. What’s a common misconception people have about you? -I'm mean.
44. What’s something a lot of people do that you disagree with? -Deny their path
45. What’s a belief you hold with which many people disagree? -ProLife
46. What’s something that’s harder for you than it is for most people? -Math
47. What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend? -Honesty, Sense of Humor, Genuine
48. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? -FOREVER.
49. When you think of ‘home,’ what, specifically, do you think of? -My future home with CJ
50. What’s the most valuable thing you own? -Happiness
51. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most? -My mom and work
52. What would make you smile right now? -snuggling up with my son.
53. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy? -Play with my son, work or go through that auto-correct website... hilarious.
54. What do you wish did not exist in your life? Jealousy
55. What should you avoid to improve your life? Drama
56. What is something you would hate to go without for a day? Love
57. What’s the biggest lie you once believed was true? That he wanted a family and would never cheat.
58. What’s something bad that happened to you that made you stronger? -the past 3 years
59. What’s something nobody could ever steal from you? -strength
60. What’s something you disliked when you were younger that you truly enjoy today? -celery lol
61. What are you glad you quit? -smoking, toxic relationships, putting up with bullshit.
62. What do you need to spend more time doing? -Tending to myself
63. What are you naturally good at? -Anything creative
64. What have you been counting or keeping track of recently? -Finances
65. What has the little voice inside your head been saying lately? -Fuck them all.
66. What’s something you should always be careful with? -Finances and my mouth.
67. What should always be taken seriously? -Injustice
68. What should never be taken seriously? - Everything else
69. What are three things you can’t get enough of? -My sons giggle, love, money
70. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? -Vigilante
71. What fascinates you? - the starry sky above me and the moral law within me
72. What’s the difference between being alive and truly living? - breathing and taking your breath away
73. What’s something you would do every day if you could? -Create.
74. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? -When I decided to fearlessly do all the things I have ever wanted to do
75. Which is worse, failing or never trying? -never trying
76. What makes you feel incomplete? -betrayal
77. When did you experience a major turning point in your life? -discovery of constant betrayal
78. What or who do you wish you lived closer to? -A Craft store
79. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be? -Shut the fuck up and love.
80. What’s something you know you can count on? -Time
81. What makes you feel comfortable? -Knowing I did a good job
82. What’s something about you that has never changed? -My laugh
83. What will be different about your life in exactly one year? -Everything
84. What mistakes do you make over and over again? -Not following my gut, being afraid to hurt peoples feelings.
85. What do you have a hard time saying “no” to? -People I respect
86. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? -A little of both, just not sure what I believe in anymore.
87. What’s something that used to scare you, but no longer does? -My sons father
88. What promise to yourself do you still need to fulfill? -A home
89. What do you appreciate most about your current situation? -Everyones help
90. What’s something simple that makes you smile? -My sons smile
91. So far, what has been the primary focus of your life? -Money and Love
92. How do you know when it’s time to move on? -When it hurts to stay
93. What’s something you wish you could do one more time? -Marcelo ...lol ;)
94. When you’re 90-years-old, what will matter to you the most? -My family
95. What would you regret not fully doing, being, or having in your life? Going Big.

Peripity's sister...serendipity.

I was having a horrible nightmare about my sons father (yet again) that got me so angry. My son tapped me on his shoulder in his sleep and I jumped up and haven't been able to relax enough to go back to sleep. I grab some pineapple chunks and start heating up some milk for some hot cocoa and decide to watch my FB feed for a while... then there it was...

My girlfriend, Danielle Hartless, reposted a link from her friends feed that was just perfect: "30 things to stop doing to yourself." Here's an excerpt:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Heres the link if you'd like to explore their blog (awesome stuff): http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

I felt the need to keep this somewhere where I will always have it, just in case I need a reminder.

Today was definitely one of those days where the power of the universe and karma was very evident. I have never been a more faithful believer of the transfer of energies than I am today. Now if you will excuse me, I have a date with Google and a cup of hot cocoa.

Goals

The new year is almost upon us, and like any normal human being, I'm thinking of my goals.

I really wanted to run the img marathon this year, but my endurance is shot and my back pain has only gotten worse. To be frank with you, it's because I didn't train as hard as I needed to. I'm really disappointed in myself. I can run a 9 minute mile, and maybe only do about 3 miles before I feel like passing out and vomiting. No bueno. So I will take this year to really train. I mean being able to run the marathon before my son turns 1 was indeed a lofty goal. But I can proudly say I have lost 61 lbs to date. Which, is pretty damn good., and there will always be 2013... lol. God seems like a life time away doesn't it?

I'm finally getting back to the way I used to eat and exercise BC (before chris) and I like it. I need to get rid of all this old baggage and bullshit I accumulated in that god forsaken relationship and move on. Maybe not like I was before, because I'm better and faster and smarter and well, a MOM now. But I do need to move on.  I accomplished a lot this year and I am so proud of myself. I gave birth to a beautiful, smart, happy little boy, finished school, started two businesses and continued to work part time while being a Mom. I never in a million years thought I would actually be proud of myself like I am right now.

So what can I do to make 2012 better??
Health:
Well assuming that the 14 lbs I want to lose by the new year do come off, I'd like to lose another 50-60 lbs. I'd like to maintain my diet and exercise more often and at a higher intensity. If my training goes well the next few weeks I may just enter the img half marathon. We'll see... no pressure. But I will for sure enter the 2013 IMG marathon. I'll reward myself every 10 lbs I lose by allowing myself to purchase a new outfit. Every 20 lbs I will reward myself with a new tattoo or new shoes :) yea I like that !!!! When I reach my 60lb mark I will give myself a vacation where I can wear nothing but a bikini all day and night long :) lol YES! I will also be diligent about getting my health insurance back on track and maintaining my yearly OB, PCP, optometry and dermatology visits and my dentist appointments every 6 months. I will also maintain a pedicure and manicure 2 times a week on my own and once a month at a salon or spa. I will also get a massage or acupuncture treatment and a facial once every two months. I need to start treating myself right so I can be the best I can be!

Home
I will have a solid savings for a new home for me and CJ, even if we're not moved in by the end of the year, I'd like to seriously be looking for a home and move in for my 30th birthday in 2013. The home will be on a little bit of land so I can grow food and flowers and have plenty of room for CJ to grow. I will also dedicate one hour a night every night to cleaning the house and getting organized. I will cook dinner at least 3 times a week and wean CJ off of bottled processed baby foods and onto wholesome real food.

Work
I will work towards a promotion at Hard Rock and save money to build up my two companies. I will complete a solid business plan for a bakery and salon and start looking for investors by the end of the year. I will keep a detailed calender with time dedicated to all my ventures. I will also open up official websites for my companies.

Life:
I will spend as much time as humanly possible with CJ. I will spend one on one time with at least one friend a week. I will volunteer once a month in my community. I will start to draw and paint again, and create as much as I can. I will take time to be grateful for at least one thing in my life everyday. And I will not allow any BD drama into my life.


2012 will be the end of life as I know it and the beginning of Life as I Deserve It! 

Sometimes the end begins with you...

"If something persists, it contains a hidden truth." A good friend told me this once and it has always kinda stuck with me. It kind of became a way to change my paradigm when i felt like I was bashing my head against a wall.

So now I'm in a situation with my sons father, yet again, where we are fighting and I feel extreme hatred and anger towards him. So what do I do? It seems like every way I try to deal with this situation end up being for not, because the drama will always be there.

Then it dawned on me. What if I'm causing this? It makes sense, I feel so jealous that he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants. He has no responsibility and his family is always covering his ass. There was a point where I was always covering his ass too,  until I realized that he won't do the same for me. He's doing the same thing to his new girlfriend that he did to me and it makes me hate him more. He still is using the same lines and "reading the same book" if you will, instead of growing up and being a father. But someone very close to me said it best... "so what has changed?" Not a god damned thing. That's what. And he won't. He'll still make plans, then over sleep or get too fucked up to follow through with them. He'll still call hours before our scheduled pick up time for me to get my son. He'll still party all weekend instead of taking care of his arrunds and have no time for my son. He'll still spend his money on stupid shit and partying instead of contributing to the care of my son. Nothing has changed. At all. So why am I beating a dead horse? I keep saying I'm done, and yet we still fight about the same shit.

So it will be simply this: I deserve no contact with my sons father. I will not call him or send him pictures of CJ. If he feels he has the time to contact me to spend time with CJ, then I will accommodate his request. But I will no longer feel the need to antagonize him about being a father. That's it. It is what it is.

Just Let Go.

What I deserve...

... the ability to provide my own safe, clean, loving home for my son
... the ability to make good money doing something I love
... the normal luxuries of American life
... a man who isn't going to be concerned about my FB relationship status
... a man who understands that yes, I'm a mother, but I am also a woman
... to be appreciated for my talents
... to be organized and clean and free of mental and physical clutter
... to be paid what I'm worth
... a man who isn't going to even hint at having unprotected sex with me
... to have the financial security to be able to have a plan B
... to make my dreams come true
... a man who loves and appreciates me for me and can look beyond the complications of my life's bad decisions
...to be an amazing Mother, Daughter, Wife and Friend
...to live my life according to my rules and not how others' think I should
...to be treated as an equal in a relationship
...to be able to give back to my mother
...to be drama free
... peace in my life and in my son's life
...to grow old surrounded by love
...to not be haunted by my former self
...to be forgiven
... what do you deserve?...

You know you're a "Mom" when... (infant edition)

...you take an honest look at your wardrobe and think... "hmm... I need more yoga pants."
...after any given meal, you have more food in your hair than on the baby's face, bib and highchair table combined.
...you wish you were pregnant again, just for the excuse to take a nap and to get out of house work.
...your kid's first Holiday Season is suddenly the most important thing in the world. I mean fuck world hunger!!! I need an ornament that holds pictures and one that says "baby's first christmas" and oh oh oh, so what if I don't sleep, I have to sew his first stocking and make his first wreath!" o_0
...the wet spot on your bed is actually just milk or juice or drool from a teething baby.
...you can finally see your toes again. OH GAWD! YOU CAN FINALLY SEE YOUR TOES AGAIN!!!
...while basking in the joy of finally getting your baby to fall asleep, any movement from said child that may lead to him waking up makes you drop to the floor and send you via army crawl out the door.
...you think about going back to school as a vacation.
...you click on the family tab instead of the nightlife tab on the New Times upcoming event list
...you then pour yourself a glass of wine, click on the nightlife tab and have a stroll down memory lane.
...you think mothers should be given a Metal of honor for making it past the first three months.
...you can simultaneously get ready for work, put your baby back to bed, do laundry and dishes, ice a cake and write a half assed blog at 6 am. (then later realize you forgot to brush your teeth and there's a good chance your thong is on backwards.)
...you think about all the feats you have accomplished before... and realize that this is the most rewarding.
...you know what true love really is.

It's begining to look a lot like Christmas!

Ah, yes... CJ's first Christmas.  Got the "Baby's first Christmas" ornament on lock, some gifts for the little guy already bought, some pictures taken for the Christmas cards....

Went to go see Santa at Dolphin Mall, cute little set up they have there. CJ dug the polar bears... but Santa... eh, not so much. Maybe next year.

All this holiday cheer, the smell of fresh baked goodies, the cool breeze (haven't turned on the AC in 2 days..yay) and really good sales at the mall all stir up the domestic diva in me. I suddenly have the urge to up-do my hair, wear low-heeled mules, get a french mani, and learn the proper way to starch and iron a man's shirt.

Could this be a sort of postpartum "nesting" that no one told me about? I'm sure I'm not the only single mother who held tightly to her 10 month old son as she gazed into the perfectly "American" holiday windows of a Ralph Lauren retail shop and daydreamed of a white picket fence surrounding an old colonial home with heirloom roses climbing a lattice that hugs front entrance way. The window on the left side of the home is open and two freshly baked apple pies cooling on it's sill. Inside the window an all white shabby chic kitchen is bustling with young kids chasing the family dogs while the ladies and I sip mimosas and check the Cornish hens. Laughter fills the house as we go outside to pick fresh dill and rosemary from my flourishing garden while the chickens run thru our legs. In the horizon my husband and son are casting a net in the pond we dug as a family to catch some fish for my state-fair winning fish spread that we'll serve tonight with some freshly baked bread. And unfamiliar smog creeps quickly over my view... hmm... my breath is fogging up the window again. Back to reality.

There's nothing like the first holiday with your kid I guess. At least for me I suddenly realize how badly I yearn to be domesticated. Haha. That ALMOST sounds bad. But I truly want to be amazing at all things domestic. Cooking, Baking, Cleaning, Organizing and running a household! I long for a home that is MINE; where my family can grow. Where I bake my cupcakes and sew CJ's costumes for his school play. Where I grow my prize winning roses and harvest a cornucopia of foods that feed me and my neighbors. Where my attic is neatly organized with all my decorations for the year's holidays and my basement is not only my office but storage for all the years canning and craft projects are sitting just waiting to be realized.

I long for a home whose mornings entail collecting eggs and vegetables for breakfast and sitting on the front porch in my terry cloth robe with a hot cup of espresso watching ol glory fly in the cool bay breeze.  Where afternoons can be lazy or balls to the wall crazy, but everyone feels at home. CJ will have his first kiss on the tire swing in the front yard and sell lemonade on the weekends to earn his first big boy bike. Where there is an old rocking chair on the front porch where I'll clean my rifle the night of CJ's first date and where my husband will clean his rifle when our daughter has her first date ;)

I'll go to PTA meetings and the women will stare cause I have pink hair and tattoos, but they ALL want my recipe for blueberry muffins.
I'll starch my sons and husband's shirts perfectly, and even press their handkerchiefs so well they will never even realize that they could even wrinkle.
All of CJ's friends will always want to come over cause "CJ's Mom is a total MILF, and she makes the best after-practice pizza," and we'll have sleep overs in the tents outside almost every weekend.
And when the neighbors fight with their spouses the husbands say "why can't you be more like Liz!" and the wives reply "When you start acting more like Liz's husband, I'll ask her for lessons you JERK!" But they all watch him (my husband) as he mows the lawn shirtless (so what if I rubbed him down with baby oil..heheheh...keeps the bugs off lol) and they all watch me when I wash the bikes or cars in my bikini... (like I said, the baby oil is purely for ... uhh... something ..)

I won't be perfect, but I'll be the best me and comfortable in my own skin. My hair, nails and skin will be on point because I take care of myself, eat right and exercise. I'll be happy because I will do what I love and love what I do. I'll wear the preppy white polo dress to CJ's football games like all the other housewives, but my pink hair, high heels, tattooed sleeves, gauged ears, gold teeth and hoochie acrylic nails will be unlike anything they could ever imagine. The women will respect me because I run a tight ship, always have a smile in my hello and am always willing to share a tip or recipe. The men will love me because I take care of my family well and look DAMN good doing it.

Dare to dream... then work hard as hell to make those dreams come true. . . looks like I have a lot of hard work ahead of me :) Funny thing is... I'm crazy enough to really think I can do it...

Excuse me while I pull my head out of my own ass.

There has never been a more dangerous time for a single mother than the time I spend alone. When CJ is asleep, and all the work has been done. I lay there and think about how nice it would be to have a warm body laying next to me. To ask me how my day was and rub my back when I'm aching from my epidural injection sites. Sometimes I wish my family hadn't fallen apart like it did.

My biggest problem is that when I start to miss my family, I get confused and think I'm missing CJ's father. I forget what poison he is to me. Don't get me wrong I'm sure there's some demented woman out there that will think he's aces. I just haven't gone that far off the deep end.

I'm a big believer that there is someone out there for everyone. I believe in love at first sight and following your gut. Two things that I ignored the past few relationships.

I feel like my head is firmly planted directly into my ass. I'm not quite sure what the issue is. Maybe I've kept myself so busy that I haven't had the chance to really re-connect with myself. I mean as I type this I have three different projects going on at the same time. I am tired. And it's not like wanting to be loved is so totally ridiculous either.

It's not about sex, but more like companionship. A partner. Someone who takes on an equal load. I've been thinking an awful lot about who I have become and what it is I want and what it is I deserve. I can tell you one thing I deserve the most: PEACE.

Peace is a state of mind as well as a state of being, from what I understand. So how to I attain Peace?
Step one: Pull your head out of your ass. Take a look around. Your life is pretty fucking sweet lady! ENJOY IT!
Step two: Balance. I won't have balance unless I understand my priorities and see myself as a priority. I need to get enough sleep, go to the gym, and eat right as well as be an amazing mother, employee and entrepreneur
three: I have to get certain people out of my life, and others back in.
four: avoid drama, and dramatic situations like the fucking plague.
five: take help when it's offered.

Peace. Yeah, peace... sounds perfect. . . I'm sure there are a few more things... but as of right now, This is a good start... now to get started on that sleep part.

Welcome November, good to see you again.

  Well Halloween sucked. It rained cats and dogs until CJ passed out, of course. Then the night was bearable. But I wouldn't know much of the night because I too passed out after shoveling handfuls of candy into wide-eyed kids bags dressed up as ninjas and such. One little Asian girl was Belle from Beauty and the Beast in a dress obviously NOT from the Disney store and she rocked one of those go green sacks from a farmers market. A girl after my own heart. She got two heaping handfuls of candy. Then she looked at me like I should give her more. Bitch, get outta my yard! Greedy lil heffa.

   But I did eventually sleep for about 14 hours with a brief interruption to get myself some water in the middle of the night after a horrible nightmare involving my sons father. I keep having these dreams of him being be-headed in a motorcycle accident. My subconscious can be a real prick sometimes. Granted, I do enjoy pushing his buttons and hearing him yell once in a while, but I would never want him to get hurt, much less be-headed. Yuck.

   Ever since Rigo and I broke up I've been really lazy and almost lost. I feel kinda like the rug has been pulled from under my feet. I don't like this at all. I'll snap out of it, I know I will. But shit, I didn't think it would take me this long. I don't think of him as much as I think of Marcelo, the one I left to be with Chris. I still kind of kick myself in the ass every now and then. Granted Marcelo wasn't the greatest guy for me either... listened to way too much Pink Floyd. But he was possibly the closest to exactly what I want with Rigo being a close second. Rigo and Marcelo were cut of the same cloth. Both Anonymous members, both techs, both into sustainable living and paintball, both into leaving the smallest carbon footprint they could, both pot heads, both worshiped my body and were amazing lovers, both completely covered in tattoos, both could hold a decent conversation on astronomy... I'm sure there's more. But come to think of it, Rigo did to me almost exactly what I did to Marcelo. Damn you Karma!

Shit man, I didn't really think about it like that until now. Wow. I suck. Ok, well lesson learned. Marcelo will still be the one that got away. I remember, not too long ago, on my way to the gym I passed by Marcelo's old house. Looked empty. None of his old cars were in the drive way, "Pepper" wasn't blaring out of the garage filled with bad ass motorcycles. The boat wasn't there anymore. In other words, he was gone. I remember I lost contact with him for 3 months. He bought a sail boat and was traveling the world until it sunk and he had to buy a plane ticket home. lol. God I miss him. My dumb ass left him for Chris a month after he came home. I guess Marcelo and I would have never really worked out. I mean, he still wore JNCO's for crying out loud. But damn they looked hot wrapped around that tight Brazilian ass of his. Hmmm... I digress.

No I don't. I felt fearless with Marcelo, but he scared the shit out of me. He invited me to go out to the everglades with him and I accepted, but I left the GPS on in my cellphone which I pinned into my bra, gave all his information to my Bestie and left a note at home with his full name, address, telephone number, myspace page, I mean everything. Why? Because he was an Atheist. I know, sounds silly. But there was just something about him. He was a vegetarian who had so much respect for animal life and the environment but such contempt for human life for destroying everything that I really felt that he could take a human life and not feel remorseful for it. Not that I ever gave him reason to want to hurt me. Until I left.

   But we went out that night, watched the full moon rise into the black and purple sky. The moon was blood red. I remember Marcelo telling me that what we were watching was the only place in the world something like that took place. The moon was red because of the sand storms in the Sahara desert kicked up the sand so much that we were actually watching the full moon rise through the sand clouds in another hemisphere. That's why the moon was red. Sure enough the moon paled out as it rose and we laid there watching stars chase each other and talked about our universe. It was poetically romantic feeling so small together feeling the earth spin under our mortal bodies... That was the best summer.

   But in spite of having been so close to the right one, I'm not too bitter. If anything, I'm a bit more hopeful. I know he's out there. Staring in awe at the starry sky above him and the moral law with in him. And he'll know exactly the reference I'm making with that statement too. lol.

   I feel foolish about leaving out the one man that has plagued my dreams for months now. Soon he'll be back in Miami and maybe things will be different between us. For some reason he pops up in my dreams at least once a month, but more often usually. Maybe I'm just being a little too idealistic.

  I'm just trying to make my way in this crazy world. Trying to do the best for my son and I.  And not hurt anyone in the process. . . just goin with the flow.

Halloween 2011...so far :)

It's been a while my friends, welcome back to my Mommy Blog :)

So now I'm officially a single Mom. Great. I never wanted this, I don't think any adult really does. I am thankful however that Chris and I have been able to finally stand each other long enough to be a team for C.J.

C.J's doing well. He's sitting on his own and playing on his own. His favorite toys are telephones and Mommy's laptop. He particularly likes to Skype with Mommy's friends. He doesn't talk much and he isn't crawling. But he will stand up on his own and try to take a few steps. He misses me when I leave and treats everything like a drum that needs a good beating. He still refuses to feed himself, although I've seen him do it on multiple occasions. Did I mention, he is cuter than cute can be. No, seriously, I mean I know I'm Mommy and all... but C.J is SO DAMN HANDSOME! He gets it from his Mama ;)

I've dated some fine young fellows since Chris. Most of them can't handle that I have a kid. I mean, not for nothing, but not many people in their late 20's early 30's don't have children? Good luck bastardos. The latest one really took the cake. He fed me all this bullshit about how much he loved me and wanted to make a great life for me and blah blah blah only to find out he couldn't handle that there is another man in my life. No, not C.J... Chris. SERIOUSLY?! Apparently his son's mother and him hate each other like poison and he didn't see how Chris and I could have such a "good relationship" and that we must still love each other. He didn't understand how we planned things for the three of us to do as a family. I'm sorry, but if going to public places with my baby daddy and son make you uneasy or insecure... I don't want to be with your dumb ass.

Chris and I won't ever work out as a couple, but he put it best "You don't need a family, you already have a family. My son, me, my family ... we are your family. What you need and want is a relationship." I hate it when that fucker makes sense.

So I guess this is it. The storm, for the most part, has passed.

It's Halloween time! YAY! I decorated the door and Mom n I carved pumpkins. Chris and I took C.J to the pumpkin patch n took pictures. Today Mom, C.J and I are going to the zoo for their Halloween deal then to the block party tonight. Then on Halloween Daddy and I are taking CJ to  Gulfstream and where ever to go trick or treating. I'll post some pictures after all is said and done.


What are you doing for Halloween?