The new year is almost upon us, and like any normal human being, I'm thinking of my goals.
I really wanted to run the img marathon this year, but my endurance is shot and my back pain has only gotten worse. To be frank with you, it's because I didn't train as hard as I needed to. I'm really disappointed in myself. I can run a 9 minute mile, and maybe only do about 3 miles before I feel like passing out and vomiting. No bueno. So I will take this year to really train. I mean being able to run the marathon before my son turns 1 was indeed a lofty goal. But I can proudly say I have lost 61 lbs to date. Which, is pretty damn good., and there will always be 2013... lol. God seems like a life time away doesn't it?
I'm finally getting back to the way I used to eat and exercise BC (before chris) and I like it. I need to get rid of all this old baggage and bullshit I accumulated in that god forsaken relationship and move on. Maybe not like I was before, because I'm better and faster and smarter and well, a MOM now. But I do need to move on. I accomplished a lot this year and I am so proud of myself. I gave birth to a beautiful, smart, happy little boy, finished school, started two businesses and continued to work part time while being a Mom. I never in a million years thought I would actually be proud of myself like I am right now.
So what can I do to make 2012 better??
Health:
Well assuming that the 14 lbs I want to lose by the new year do come off, I'd like to lose another 50-60 lbs. I'd like to maintain my diet and exercise more often and at a higher intensity. If my training goes well the next few weeks I may just enter the img half marathon. We'll see... no pressure. But I will for sure enter the 2013 IMG marathon. I'll reward myself every 10 lbs I lose by allowing myself to purchase a new outfit. Every 20 lbs I will reward myself with a new tattoo or new shoes :) yea I like that !!!! When I reach my 60lb mark I will give myself a vacation where I can wear nothing but a bikini all day and night long :) lol YES! I will also be diligent about getting my health insurance back on track and maintaining my yearly OB, PCP, optometry and dermatology visits and my dentist appointments every 6 months. I will also maintain a pedicure and manicure 2 times a week on my own and once a month at a salon or spa. I will also get a massage or acupuncture treatment and a facial once every two months. I need to start treating myself right so I can be the best I can be!
Home
I will have a solid savings for a new home for me and CJ, even if we're not moved in by the end of the year, I'd like to seriously be looking for a home and move in for my 30th birthday in 2013. The home will be on a little bit of land so I can grow food and flowers and have plenty of room for CJ to grow. I will also dedicate one hour a night every night to cleaning the house and getting organized. I will cook dinner at least 3 times a week and wean CJ off of bottled processed baby foods and onto wholesome real food.
Work
I will work towards a promotion at Hard Rock and save money to build up my two companies. I will complete a solid business plan for a bakery and salon and start looking for investors by the end of the year. I will keep a detailed calender with time dedicated to all my ventures. I will also open up official websites for my companies.
Life:
I will spend as much time as humanly possible with CJ. I will spend one on one time with at least one friend a week. I will volunteer once a month in my community. I will start to draw and paint again, and create as much as I can. I will take time to be grateful for at least one thing in my life everyday. And I will not allow any BD drama into my life.
2012 will be the end of life as I know it and the beginning of Life as I Deserve It!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Sometimes the end begins with you...
"If something persists, it contains a hidden truth." A good friend told me this once and it has always kinda stuck with me. It kind of became a way to change my paradigm when i felt like I was bashing my head against a wall.
So now I'm in a situation with my sons father, yet again, where we are fighting and I feel extreme hatred and anger towards him. So what do I do? It seems like every way I try to deal with this situation end up being for not, because the drama will always be there.
Then it dawned on me. What if I'm causing this? It makes sense, I feel so jealous that he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants. He has no responsibility and his family is always covering his ass. There was a point where I was always covering his ass too, until I realized that he won't do the same for me. He's doing the same thing to his new girlfriend that he did to me and it makes me hate him more. He still is using the same lines and "reading the same book" if you will, instead of growing up and being a father. But someone very close to me said it best... "so what has changed?" Not a god damned thing. That's what. And he won't. He'll still make plans, then over sleep or get too fucked up to follow through with them. He'll still call hours before our scheduled pick up time for me to get my son. He'll still party all weekend instead of taking care of his arrunds and have no time for my son. He'll still spend his money on stupid shit and partying instead of contributing to the care of my son. Nothing has changed. At all. So why am I beating a dead horse? I keep saying I'm done, and yet we still fight about the same shit.
So it will be simply this: I deserve no contact with my sons father. I will not call him or send him pictures of CJ. If he feels he has the time to contact me to spend time with CJ, then I will accommodate his request. But I will no longer feel the need to antagonize him about being a father. That's it. It is what it is.
Just Let Go.
So now I'm in a situation with my sons father, yet again, where we are fighting and I feel extreme hatred and anger towards him. So what do I do? It seems like every way I try to deal with this situation end up being for not, because the drama will always be there.
Then it dawned on me. What if I'm causing this? It makes sense, I feel so jealous that he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants. He has no responsibility and his family is always covering his ass. There was a point where I was always covering his ass too, until I realized that he won't do the same for me. He's doing the same thing to his new girlfriend that he did to me and it makes me hate him more. He still is using the same lines and "reading the same book" if you will, instead of growing up and being a father. But someone very close to me said it best... "so what has changed?" Not a god damned thing. That's what. And he won't. He'll still make plans, then over sleep or get too fucked up to follow through with them. He'll still call hours before our scheduled pick up time for me to get my son. He'll still party all weekend instead of taking care of his arrunds and have no time for my son. He'll still spend his money on stupid shit and partying instead of contributing to the care of my son. Nothing has changed. At all. So why am I beating a dead horse? I keep saying I'm done, and yet we still fight about the same shit.
So it will be simply this: I deserve no contact with my sons father. I will not call him or send him pictures of CJ. If he feels he has the time to contact me to spend time with CJ, then I will accommodate his request. But I will no longer feel the need to antagonize him about being a father. That's it. It is what it is.
Just Let Go.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
What I deserve...
... the ability to provide my own safe, clean, loving home for my son
... the ability to make good money doing something I love
... the normal luxuries of American life
... a man who isn't going to be concerned about my FB relationship status
... a man who understands that yes, I'm a mother, but I am also a woman
... to be appreciated for my talents
... to be organized and clean and free of mental and physical clutter
... to be paid what I'm worth
... a man who isn't going to even hint at having unprotected sex with me
... to have the financial security to be able to have a plan B
... to make my dreams come true
... a man who loves and appreciates me for me and can look beyond the complications of my life's bad decisions
...to be an amazing Mother, Daughter, Wife and Friend
...to live my life according to my rules and not how others' think I should
...to be treated as an equal in a relationship
...to be able to give back to my mother
...to be drama free
... peace in my life and in my son's life
...to grow old surrounded by love
...to not be haunted by my former self
...to be forgiven
... what do you deserve?...
... the ability to make good money doing something I love
... the normal luxuries of American life
... a man who isn't going to be concerned about my FB relationship status
... a man who understands that yes, I'm a mother, but I am also a woman
... to be appreciated for my talents
... to be organized and clean and free of mental and physical clutter
... to be paid what I'm worth
... a man who isn't going to even hint at having unprotected sex with me
... to have the financial security to be able to have a plan B
... to make my dreams come true
... a man who loves and appreciates me for me and can look beyond the complications of my life's bad decisions
...to be an amazing Mother, Daughter, Wife and Friend
...to live my life according to my rules and not how others' think I should
...to be treated as an equal in a relationship
...to be able to give back to my mother
...to be drama free
... peace in my life and in my son's life
...to grow old surrounded by love
...to not be haunted by my former self
...to be forgiven
... what do you deserve?...
Friday, December 2, 2011
You know you're a "Mom" when... (infant edition)
...you take an honest look at your wardrobe and think... "hmm... I need more yoga pants."
...after any given meal, you have more food in your hair than on the baby's face, bib and highchair table combined.
...you wish you were pregnant again, just for the excuse to take a nap and to get out of house work.
...your kid's first Holiday Season is suddenly the most important thing in the world. I mean fuck world hunger!!! I need an ornament that holds pictures and one that says "baby's first christmas" and oh oh oh, so what if I don't sleep, I have to sew his first stocking and make his first wreath!" o_0
...the wet spot on your bed is actually just milk or juice or drool from a teething baby.
...you can finally see your toes again. OH GAWD! YOU CAN FINALLY SEE YOUR TOES AGAIN!!!
...while basking in the joy of finally getting your baby to fall asleep, any movement from said child that may lead to him waking up makes you drop to the floor and send you via army crawl out the door.
...you think about going back to school as a vacation.
...you click on the family tab instead of the nightlife tab on the New Times upcoming event list
...you then pour yourself a glass of wine, click on the nightlife tab and have a stroll down memory lane.
...you think mothers should be given a Metal of honor for making it past the first three months.
...you can simultaneously get ready for work, put your baby back to bed, do laundry and dishes, ice a cake and write a half assed blog at 6 am. (then later realize you forgot to brush your teeth and there's a good chance your thong is on backwards.)
...you think about all the feats you have accomplished before... and realize that this is the most rewarding.
...you know what true love really is.
...after any given meal, you have more food in your hair than on the baby's face, bib and highchair table combined.
...you wish you were pregnant again, just for the excuse to take a nap and to get out of house work.
...your kid's first Holiday Season is suddenly the most important thing in the world. I mean fuck world hunger!!! I need an ornament that holds pictures and one that says "baby's first christmas" and oh oh oh, so what if I don't sleep, I have to sew his first stocking and make his first wreath!" o_0
...the wet spot on your bed is actually just milk or juice or drool from a teething baby.
...you can finally see your toes again. OH GAWD! YOU CAN FINALLY SEE YOUR TOES AGAIN!!!
...while basking in the joy of finally getting your baby to fall asleep, any movement from said child that may lead to him waking up makes you drop to the floor and send you via army crawl out the door.
...you think about going back to school as a vacation.
...you click on the family tab instead of the nightlife tab on the New Times upcoming event list
...you then pour yourself a glass of wine, click on the nightlife tab and have a stroll down memory lane.
...you think mothers should be given a Metal of honor for making it past the first three months.
...you can simultaneously get ready for work, put your baby back to bed, do laundry and dishes, ice a cake and write a half assed blog at 6 am. (then later realize you forgot to brush your teeth and there's a good chance your thong is on backwards.)
...you think about all the feats you have accomplished before... and realize that this is the most rewarding.
...you know what true love really is.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
It's begining to look a lot like Christmas!
Ah, yes... CJ's first Christmas. Got the "Baby's first Christmas" ornament on lock, some gifts for the little guy already bought, some pictures taken for the Christmas cards....
Went to go see Santa at Dolphin Mall, cute little set up they have there. CJ dug the polar bears... but Santa... eh, not so much. Maybe next year.
All this holiday cheer, the smell of fresh baked goodies, the cool breeze (haven't turned on the AC in 2 days..yay) and really good sales at the mall all stir up the domestic diva in me. I suddenly have the urge to up-do my hair, wear low-heeled mules, get a french mani, and learn the proper way to starch and iron a man's shirt.
Could this be a sort of postpartum "nesting" that no one told me about? I'm sure I'm not the only single mother who held tightly to her 10 month old son as she gazed into the perfectly "American" holiday windows of a Ralph Lauren retail shop and daydreamed of a white picket fence surrounding an old colonial home with heirloom roses climbing a lattice that hugs front entrance way. The window on the left side of the home is open and two freshly baked apple pies cooling on it's sill. Inside the window an all white shabby chic kitchen is bustling with young kids chasing the family dogs while the ladies and I sip mimosas and check the Cornish hens. Laughter fills the house as we go outside to pick fresh dill and rosemary from my flourishing garden while the chickens run thru our legs. In the horizon my husband and son are casting a net in the pond we dug as a family to catch some fish for my state-fair winning fish spread that we'll serve tonight with some freshly baked bread. And unfamiliar smog creeps quickly over my view... hmm... my breath is fogging up the window again. Back to reality.
There's nothing like the first holiday with your kid I guess. At least for me I suddenly realize how badly I yearn to be domesticated. Haha. That ALMOST sounds bad. But I truly want to be amazing at all things domestic. Cooking, Baking, Cleaning, Organizing and running a household! I long for a home that is MINE; where my family can grow. Where I bake my cupcakes and sew CJ's costumes for his school play. Where I grow my prize winning roses and harvest a cornucopia of foods that feed me and my neighbors. Where my attic is neatly organized with all my decorations for the year's holidays and my basement is not only my office but storage for all the years canning and craft projects are sitting just waiting to be realized.
I long for a home whose mornings entail collecting eggs and vegetables for breakfast and sitting on the front porch in my terry cloth robe with a hot cup of espresso watching ol glory fly in the cool bay breeze. Where afternoons can be lazy or balls to the wall crazy, but everyone feels at home. CJ will have his first kiss on the tire swing in the front yard and sell lemonade on the weekends to earn his first big boy bike. Where there is an old rocking chair on the front porch where I'll clean my rifle the night of CJ's first date and where my husband will clean his rifle when our daughter has her first date ;)
I'll go to PTA meetings and the women will stare cause I have pink hair and tattoos, but they ALL want my recipe for blueberry muffins.
I'll starch my sons and husband's shirts perfectly, and even press their handkerchiefs so well they will never even realize that they could even wrinkle.
All of CJ's friends will always want to come over cause "CJ's Mom is a total MILF, and she makes the best after-practice pizza," and we'll have sleep overs in the tents outside almost every weekend.
And when the neighbors fight with their spouses the husbands say "why can't you be more like Liz!" and the wives reply "When you start acting more like Liz's husband, I'll ask her for lessons you JERK!" But they all watch him (my husband) as he mows the lawn shirtless (so what if I rubbed him down with baby oil..heheheh...keeps the bugs off lol) and they all watch me when I wash the bikes or cars in my bikini... (like I said, the baby oil is purely for ... uhh... something ..)
I won't be perfect, but I'll be the best me and comfortable in my own skin. My hair, nails and skin will be on point because I take care of myself, eat right and exercise. I'll be happy because I will do what I love and love what I do. I'll wear the preppy white polo dress to CJ's football games like all the other housewives, but my pink hair, high heels, tattooed sleeves, gauged ears, gold teeth and hoochie acrylic nails will be unlike anything they could ever imagine. The women will respect me because I run a tight ship, always have a smile in my hello and am always willing to share a tip or recipe. The men will love me because I take care of my family well and look DAMN good doing it.
Dare to dream... then work hard as hell to make those dreams come true. . . looks like I have a lot of hard work ahead of me :) Funny thing is... I'm crazy enough to really think I can do it...
Went to go see Santa at Dolphin Mall, cute little set up they have there. CJ dug the polar bears... but Santa... eh, not so much. Maybe next year.
All this holiday cheer, the smell of fresh baked goodies, the cool breeze (haven't turned on the AC in 2 days..yay) and really good sales at the mall all stir up the domestic diva in me. I suddenly have the urge to up-do my hair, wear low-heeled mules, get a french mani, and learn the proper way to starch and iron a man's shirt.
Could this be a sort of postpartum "nesting" that no one told me about? I'm sure I'm not the only single mother who held tightly to her 10 month old son as she gazed into the perfectly "American" holiday windows of a Ralph Lauren retail shop and daydreamed of a white picket fence surrounding an old colonial home with heirloom roses climbing a lattice that hugs front entrance way. The window on the left side of the home is open and two freshly baked apple pies cooling on it's sill. Inside the window an all white shabby chic kitchen is bustling with young kids chasing the family dogs while the ladies and I sip mimosas and check the Cornish hens. Laughter fills the house as we go outside to pick fresh dill and rosemary from my flourishing garden while the chickens run thru our legs. In the horizon my husband and son are casting a net in the pond we dug as a family to catch some fish for my state-fair winning fish spread that we'll serve tonight with some freshly baked bread. And unfamiliar smog creeps quickly over my view... hmm... my breath is fogging up the window again. Back to reality.
There's nothing like the first holiday with your kid I guess. At least for me I suddenly realize how badly I yearn to be domesticated. Haha. That ALMOST sounds bad. But I truly want to be amazing at all things domestic. Cooking, Baking, Cleaning, Organizing and running a household! I long for a home that is MINE; where my family can grow. Where I bake my cupcakes and sew CJ's costumes for his school play. Where I grow my prize winning roses and harvest a cornucopia of foods that feed me and my neighbors. Where my attic is neatly organized with all my decorations for the year's holidays and my basement is not only my office but storage for all the years canning and craft projects are sitting just waiting to be realized.
I long for a home whose mornings entail collecting eggs and vegetables for breakfast and sitting on the front porch in my terry cloth robe with a hot cup of espresso watching ol glory fly in the cool bay breeze. Where afternoons can be lazy or balls to the wall crazy, but everyone feels at home. CJ will have his first kiss on the tire swing in the front yard and sell lemonade on the weekends to earn his first big boy bike. Where there is an old rocking chair on the front porch where I'll clean my rifle the night of CJ's first date and where my husband will clean his rifle when our daughter has her first date ;)
I'll go to PTA meetings and the women will stare cause I have pink hair and tattoos, but they ALL want my recipe for blueberry muffins.
I'll starch my sons and husband's shirts perfectly, and even press their handkerchiefs so well they will never even realize that they could even wrinkle.
All of CJ's friends will always want to come over cause "CJ's Mom is a total MILF, and she makes the best after-practice pizza," and we'll have sleep overs in the tents outside almost every weekend.
And when the neighbors fight with their spouses the husbands say "why can't you be more like Liz!" and the wives reply "When you start acting more like Liz's husband, I'll ask her for lessons you JERK!" But they all watch him (my husband) as he mows the lawn shirtless (so what if I rubbed him down with baby oil..heheheh...keeps the bugs off lol) and they all watch me when I wash the bikes or cars in my bikini... (like I said, the baby oil is purely for ... uhh... something ..)
I won't be perfect, but I'll be the best me and comfortable in my own skin. My hair, nails and skin will be on point because I take care of myself, eat right and exercise. I'll be happy because I will do what I love and love what I do. I'll wear the preppy white polo dress to CJ's football games like all the other housewives, but my pink hair, high heels, tattooed sleeves, gauged ears, gold teeth and hoochie acrylic nails will be unlike anything they could ever imagine. The women will respect me because I run a tight ship, always have a smile in my hello and am always willing to share a tip or recipe. The men will love me because I take care of my family well and look DAMN good doing it.
Dare to dream... then work hard as hell to make those dreams come true. . . looks like I have a lot of hard work ahead of me :) Funny thing is... I'm crazy enough to really think I can do it...
Friday, November 18, 2011
Excuse me while I pull my head out of my own ass.
There has never been a more dangerous time for a single mother than the time I spend alone. When CJ is asleep, and all the work has been done. I lay there and think about how nice it would be to have a warm body laying next to me. To ask me how my day was and rub my back when I'm aching from my epidural injection sites. Sometimes I wish my family hadn't fallen apart like it did.
My biggest problem is that when I start to miss my family, I get confused and think I'm missing CJ's father. I forget what poison he is to me. Don't get me wrong I'm sure there's some demented woman out there that will think he's aces. I just haven't gone that far off the deep end.
I'm a big believer that there is someone out there for everyone. I believe in love at first sight and following your gut. Two things that I ignored the past few relationships.
I feel like my head is firmly planted directly into my ass. I'm not quite sure what the issue is. Maybe I've kept myself so busy that I haven't had the chance to really re-connect with myself. I mean as I type this I have three different projects going on at the same time. I am tired. And it's not like wanting to be loved is so totally ridiculous either.
It's not about sex, but more like companionship. A partner. Someone who takes on an equal load. I've been thinking an awful lot about who I have become and what it is I want and what it is I deserve. I can tell you one thing I deserve the most: PEACE.
Peace is a state of mind as well as a state of being, from what I understand. So how to I attain Peace?
Step one: Pull your head out of your ass. Take a look around. Your life is pretty fucking sweet lady! ENJOY IT!
Step two: Balance. I won't have balance unless I understand my priorities and see myself as a priority. I need to get enough sleep, go to the gym, and eat right as well as be an amazing mother, employee and entrepreneur
three: I have to get certain people out of my life, and others back in.
four: avoid drama, and dramatic situations like the fucking plague.
five: take help when it's offered.
Peace. Yeah, peace... sounds perfect. . . I'm sure there are a few more things... but as of right now, This is a good start... now to get started on that sleep part.
My biggest problem is that when I start to miss my family, I get confused and think I'm missing CJ's father. I forget what poison he is to me. Don't get me wrong I'm sure there's some demented woman out there that will think he's aces. I just haven't gone that far off the deep end.
I'm a big believer that there is someone out there for everyone. I believe in love at first sight and following your gut. Two things that I ignored the past few relationships.
I feel like my head is firmly planted directly into my ass. I'm not quite sure what the issue is. Maybe I've kept myself so busy that I haven't had the chance to really re-connect with myself. I mean as I type this I have three different projects going on at the same time. I am tired. And it's not like wanting to be loved is so totally ridiculous either.
It's not about sex, but more like companionship. A partner. Someone who takes on an equal load. I've been thinking an awful lot about who I have become and what it is I want and what it is I deserve. I can tell you one thing I deserve the most: PEACE.
Peace is a state of mind as well as a state of being, from what I understand. So how to I attain Peace?
Step one: Pull your head out of your ass. Take a look around. Your life is pretty fucking sweet lady! ENJOY IT!
Step two: Balance. I won't have balance unless I understand my priorities and see myself as a priority. I need to get enough sleep, go to the gym, and eat right as well as be an amazing mother, employee and entrepreneur
three: I have to get certain people out of my life, and others back in.
four: avoid drama, and dramatic situations like the fucking plague.
five: take help when it's offered.
Peace. Yeah, peace... sounds perfect. . . I'm sure there are a few more things... but as of right now, This is a good start... now to get started on that sleep part.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Welcome November, good to see you again.
Well Halloween sucked. It rained cats and dogs until CJ passed out, of course. Then the night was bearable. But I wouldn't know much of the night because I too passed out after shoveling handfuls of candy into wide-eyed kids bags dressed up as ninjas and such. One little Asian girl was Belle from Beauty and the Beast in a dress obviously NOT from the Disney store and she rocked one of those go green sacks from a farmers market. A girl after my own heart. She got two heaping handfuls of candy. Then she looked at me like I should give her more. Bitch, get outta my yard! Greedy lil heffa.
But I did eventually sleep for about 14 hours with a brief interruption to get myself some water in the middle of the night after a horrible nightmare involving my sons father. I keep having these dreams of him being be-headed in a motorcycle accident. My subconscious can be a real prick sometimes. Granted, I do enjoy pushing his buttons and hearing him yell once in a while, but I would never want him to get hurt, much less be-headed. Yuck.
Ever since Rigo and I broke up I've been really lazy and almost lost. I feel kinda like the rug has been pulled from under my feet. I don't like this at all. I'll snap out of it, I know I will. But shit, I didn't think it would take me this long. I don't think of him as much as I think of Marcelo, the one I left to be with Chris. I still kind of kick myself in the ass every now and then. Granted Marcelo wasn't the greatest guy for me either... listened to way too much Pink Floyd. But he was possibly the closest to exactly what I want with Rigo being a close second. Rigo and Marcelo were cut of the same cloth. Both Anonymous members, both techs, both into sustainable living and paintball, both into leaving the smallest carbon footprint they could, both pot heads, both worshiped my body and were amazing lovers, both completely covered in tattoos, both could hold a decent conversation on astronomy... I'm sure there's more. But come to think of it, Rigo did to me almost exactly what I did to Marcelo. Damn you Karma!
Shit man, I didn't really think about it like that until now. Wow. I suck. Ok, well lesson learned. Marcelo will still be the one that got away. I remember, not too long ago, on my way to the gym I passed by Marcelo's old house. Looked empty. None of his old cars were in the drive way, "Pepper" wasn't blaring out of the garage filled with bad ass motorcycles. The boat wasn't there anymore. In other words, he was gone. I remember I lost contact with him for 3 months. He bought a sail boat and was traveling the world until it sunk and he had to buy a plane ticket home. lol. God I miss him. My dumb ass left him for Chris a month after he came home. I guess Marcelo and I would have never really worked out. I mean, he still wore JNCO's for crying out loud. But damn they looked hot wrapped around that tight Brazilian ass of his. Hmmm... I digress.
No I don't. I felt fearless with Marcelo, but he scared the shit out of me. He invited me to go out to the everglades with him and I accepted, but I left the GPS on in my cellphone which I pinned into my bra, gave all his information to my Bestie and left a note at home with his full name, address, telephone number, myspace page, I mean everything. Why? Because he was an Atheist. I know, sounds silly. But there was just something about him. He was a vegetarian who had so much respect for animal life and the environment but such contempt for human life for destroying everything that I really felt that he could take a human life and not feel remorseful for it. Not that I ever gave him reason to want to hurt me. Until I left.
But we went out that night, watched the full moon rise into the black and purple sky. The moon was blood red. I remember Marcelo telling me that what we were watching was the only place in the world something like that took place. The moon was red because of the sand storms in the Sahara desert kicked up the sand so much that we were actually watching the full moon rise through the sand clouds in another hemisphere. That's why the moon was red. Sure enough the moon paled out as it rose and we laid there watching stars chase each other and talked about our universe. It was poetically romantic feeling so small together feeling the earth spin under our mortal bodies... That was the best summer.
But in spite of having been so close to the right one, I'm not too bitter. If anything, I'm a bit more hopeful. I know he's out there. Staring in awe at the starry sky above him and the moral law with in him. And he'll know exactly the reference I'm making with that statement too. lol.
I feel foolish about leaving out the one man that has plagued my dreams for months now. Soon he'll be back in Miami and maybe things will be different between us. For some reason he pops up in my dreams at least once a month, but more often usually. Maybe I'm just being a little too idealistic.
I'm just trying to make my way in this crazy world. Trying to do the best for my son and I. And not hurt anyone in the process. . . just goin with the flow.
But I did eventually sleep for about 14 hours with a brief interruption to get myself some water in the middle of the night after a horrible nightmare involving my sons father. I keep having these dreams of him being be-headed in a motorcycle accident. My subconscious can be a real prick sometimes. Granted, I do enjoy pushing his buttons and hearing him yell once in a while, but I would never want him to get hurt, much less be-headed. Yuck.
Ever since Rigo and I broke up I've been really lazy and almost lost. I feel kinda like the rug has been pulled from under my feet. I don't like this at all. I'll snap out of it, I know I will. But shit, I didn't think it would take me this long. I don't think of him as much as I think of Marcelo, the one I left to be with Chris. I still kind of kick myself in the ass every now and then. Granted Marcelo wasn't the greatest guy for me either... listened to way too much Pink Floyd. But he was possibly the closest to exactly what I want with Rigo being a close second. Rigo and Marcelo were cut of the same cloth. Both Anonymous members, both techs, both into sustainable living and paintball, both into leaving the smallest carbon footprint they could, both pot heads, both worshiped my body and were amazing lovers, both completely covered in tattoos, both could hold a decent conversation on astronomy... I'm sure there's more. But come to think of it, Rigo did to me almost exactly what I did to Marcelo. Damn you Karma!
Shit man, I didn't really think about it like that until now. Wow. I suck. Ok, well lesson learned. Marcelo will still be the one that got away. I remember, not too long ago, on my way to the gym I passed by Marcelo's old house. Looked empty. None of his old cars were in the drive way, "Pepper" wasn't blaring out of the garage filled with bad ass motorcycles. The boat wasn't there anymore. In other words, he was gone. I remember I lost contact with him for 3 months. He bought a sail boat and was traveling the world until it sunk and he had to buy a plane ticket home. lol. God I miss him. My dumb ass left him for Chris a month after he came home. I guess Marcelo and I would have never really worked out. I mean, he still wore JNCO's for crying out loud. But damn they looked hot wrapped around that tight Brazilian ass of his. Hmmm... I digress.
No I don't. I felt fearless with Marcelo, but he scared the shit out of me. He invited me to go out to the everglades with him and I accepted, but I left the GPS on in my cellphone which I pinned into my bra, gave all his information to my Bestie and left a note at home with his full name, address, telephone number, myspace page, I mean everything. Why? Because he was an Atheist. I know, sounds silly. But there was just something about him. He was a vegetarian who had so much respect for animal life and the environment but such contempt for human life for destroying everything that I really felt that he could take a human life and not feel remorseful for it. Not that I ever gave him reason to want to hurt me. Until I left.
But we went out that night, watched the full moon rise into the black and purple sky. The moon was blood red. I remember Marcelo telling me that what we were watching was the only place in the world something like that took place. The moon was red because of the sand storms in the Sahara desert kicked up the sand so much that we were actually watching the full moon rise through the sand clouds in another hemisphere. That's why the moon was red. Sure enough the moon paled out as it rose and we laid there watching stars chase each other and talked about our universe. It was poetically romantic feeling so small together feeling the earth spin under our mortal bodies... That was the best summer.
But in spite of having been so close to the right one, I'm not too bitter. If anything, I'm a bit more hopeful. I know he's out there. Staring in awe at the starry sky above him and the moral law with in him. And he'll know exactly the reference I'm making with that statement too. lol.
I feel foolish about leaving out the one man that has plagued my dreams for months now. Soon he'll be back in Miami and maybe things will be different between us. For some reason he pops up in my dreams at least once a month, but more often usually. Maybe I'm just being a little too idealistic.
I'm just trying to make my way in this crazy world. Trying to do the best for my son and I. And not hurt anyone in the process. . . just goin with the flow.
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