Saturday, October 29, 2011
It's been a while my friends, welcome back to my Mommy Blog :)
So now I'm officially a single Mom. Great. I never wanted this, I don't think any adult really does. I am thankful however that Chris and I have been able to finally stand each other long enough to be a team for C.J.
C.J's doing well. He's sitting on his own and playing on his own. His favorite toys are telephones and Mommy's laptop. He particularly likes to Skype with Mommy's friends. He doesn't talk much and he isn't crawling. But he will stand up on his own and try to take a few steps. He misses me when I leave and treats everything like a drum that needs a good beating. He still refuses to feed himself, although I've seen him do it on multiple occasions. Did I mention, he is cuter than cute can be. No, seriously, I mean I know I'm Mommy and all... but C.J is SO DAMN HANDSOME! He gets it from his Mama ;)
I've dated some fine young fellows since Chris. Most of them can't handle that I have a kid. I mean, not for nothing, but not many people in their late 20's early 30's don't have children? Good luck bastardos. The latest one really took the cake. He fed me all this bullshit about how much he loved me and wanted to make a great life for me and blah blah blah only to find out he couldn't handle that there is another man in my life. No, not C.J... Chris. SERIOUSLY?! Apparently his son's mother and him hate each other like poison and he didn't see how Chris and I could have such a "good relationship" and that we must still love each other. He didn't understand how we planned things for the three of us to do as a family. I'm sorry, but if going to public places with my baby daddy and son make you uneasy or insecure... I don't want to be with your dumb ass.
Chris and I won't ever work out as a couple, but he put it best "You don't need a family, you already have a family. My son, me, my family ... we are your family. What you need and want is a relationship." I hate it when that fucker makes sense.
So I guess this is it. The storm, for the most part, has passed.
It's Halloween time! YAY! I decorated the door and Mom n I carved pumpkins. Chris and I took C.J to the pumpkin patch n took pictures. Today Mom, C.J and I are going to the zoo for their Halloween deal then to the block party tonight. Then on Halloween Daddy and I are taking CJ to Gulfstream and where ever to go trick or treating. I'll post some pictures after all is said and done.
What are you doing for Halloween?
C.J's doing well. He's sitting on his own and playing on his own. His favorite toys are telephones and Mommy's laptop. He particularly likes to Skype with Mommy's friends. He doesn't talk much and he isn't crawling. But he will stand up on his own and try to take a few steps. He misses me when I leave and treats everything like a drum that needs a good beating. He still refuses to feed himself, although I've seen him do it on multiple occasions. Did I mention, he is cuter than cute can be. No, seriously, I mean I know I'm Mommy and all... but C.J is SO DAMN HANDSOME! He gets it from his Mama ;)
I've dated some fine young fellows since Chris. Most of them can't handle that I have a kid. I mean, not for nothing, but not many people in their late 20's early 30's don't have children? Good luck bastardos. The latest one really took the cake. He fed me all this bullshit about how much he loved me and wanted to make a great life for me and blah blah blah only to find out he couldn't handle that there is another man in my life. No, not C.J... Chris. SERIOUSLY?! Apparently his son's mother and him hate each other like poison and he didn't see how Chris and I could have such a "good relationship" and that we must still love each other. He didn't understand how we planned things for the three of us to do as a family. I'm sorry, but if going to public places with my baby daddy and son make you uneasy or insecure... I don't want to be with your dumb ass.
Chris and I won't ever work out as a couple, but he put it best "You don't need a family, you already have a family. My son, me, my family ... we are your family. What you need and want is a relationship." I hate it when that fucker makes sense.
So I guess this is it. The storm, for the most part, has passed.
It's Halloween time! YAY! I decorated the door and Mom n I carved pumpkins. Chris and I took C.J to the pumpkin patch n took pictures. Today Mom, C.J and I are going to the zoo for their Halloween deal then to the block party tonight. Then on Halloween Daddy and I are taking CJ to Gulfstream and where ever to go trick or treating. I'll post some pictures after all is said and done.
What are you doing for Halloween?
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
hmmm
As the Fool leaves the garden of the Sun, he feels that he is near the end of his journey, ready to take a final step. But something is keeping him from doing this, holding him back. He gazes up, hoping to find guidance from the Sun; instead he sees above him a fiery angel, beautiful and terrible.
"You are right," the Angelic figure confirms, "you have only one last step on your journey, one final step to completion. But you cannot take that step until you lay your past to rest."
The Fool is perturbed. "Lay it to rest? I thought I'd left it behind, all of it!"
"There is no way to leave the past behind," The Angel observes. "Each step wears down the shoe just a bit, and so shapes the next step you take, and the next and the next. Your past is always under your feet. You cannot hide from it, run from it, or rid yourself of it. But you can call it up, and come to terms with it. Are you willing to do that?"
The Angel hands the Fool a small trumpet. The Fool is hesitant, but he knows that the Angel is right. There are certain memories he has a hard time looking back on as they make him feel guilty, ashamed, angry. He knows that he's never come to terms with what happened and he must if he wants to make that final transition.
He blows the trumpet and it cracks open the Earth. From under the Fool's feet, the spirits of his past selves rise up, including those less than admirable past selves that he's tried to forget.
For the first time, he faces them. They are, he sees, nothing to fear. They were him once-upon-a-time, but not now. Even as he realizes this, he finds himself forgiving those past selves for the wrongs they did that left him feeling bad. He senses, in turn, that they forgive him for ignoring the lessons they had to teach him. As he reaches an understanding with them, they start to rise up and float away, vanishing into the sky. Though they remain as experiences and memories, they no longer have any power over him. He is free of ill-feelings, reborn, and living in the present.
"You are right," the Angelic figure confirms, "you have only one last step on your journey, one final step to completion. But you cannot take that step until you lay your past to rest."
The Fool is perturbed. "Lay it to rest? I thought I'd left it behind, all of it!"
"There is no way to leave the past behind," The Angel observes. "Each step wears down the shoe just a bit, and so shapes the next step you take, and the next and the next. Your past is always under your feet. You cannot hide from it, run from it, or rid yourself of it. But you can call it up, and come to terms with it. Are you willing to do that?"
The Angel hands the Fool a small trumpet. The Fool is hesitant, but he knows that the Angel is right. There are certain memories he has a hard time looking back on as they make him feel guilty, ashamed, angry. He knows that he's never come to terms with what happened and he must if he wants to make that final transition.
He blows the trumpet and it cracks open the Earth. From under the Fool's feet, the spirits of his past selves rise up, including those less than admirable past selves that he's tried to forget.
For the first time, he faces them. They are, he sees, nothing to fear. They were him once-upon-a-time, but not now. Even as he realizes this, he finds himself forgiving those past selves for the wrongs they did that left him feeling bad. He senses, in turn, that they forgive him for ignoring the lessons they had to teach him. As he reaches an understanding with them, they start to rise up and float away, vanishing into the sky. Though they remain as experiences and memories, they no longer have any power over him. He is free of ill-feelings, reborn, and living in the present.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Sometimes....
I just want to pack a bag for my son and myself and just GO. Run away from all the SHIT eating ass fucks who make my blood boil. Pretending like they are on MY side. I know better. Just sometimes I can't keep my mouth shut... but soon they won't hear me say a thing... soon.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Let it go. Breathe. Move on.
The time has come for me to get and save my life. No more bullshit. No more waiting for my retard in tin foil to turn into a knight in shining armor. I'm tired of shit hitting the fan for no reason other than anger and hatred and jealousy. This is exhausting already. I don't want to feed into the anger anymore. I can't say the same for him, but again, I guess I never really could.
I'm just so very glad of the support system I have. And the guys in my life that make me understand how to live accordingly.
My Mother, she's amazing. No matter what kind of shit I put her through, she's always there for me to support me in all of my decisions. And dammit, she was right... AGAIN!
Ketty, GG, Taby and Janet.... they help me with CJ so much and they have so much love and adoration for him it's unbelievable.
Then there is Tony and Alana and my crew. They have always had my back... in their own ways. No matter what, even if it was to remind me that I'm better than this shit.
My platonic guy friends make it easier too. I choose to refer them by their initials because even though this is my blog, it's still on the web and considering the jealousy level is definitely at a code orange on the terrorism scale, I think it's best. PO makes me feel amazing all the time. Almost everyday he sends me some sort of empowering text or FB message. Whether it be a great quote or just to tell me that I'm amazing and beautiful. Everyone can learn something from him. Then there is PG who is going through a similar situation with his daughter's mother. He's so easy to talk to and is a great resource. He comes over after CJ is asleep some nights with a six pack and an ear and just listens to my shit. Then I listen to his then he goes home. No pressure, no sex. I guess just having someone who understands and is willing to be there for you is so invaluable. I am, however, really attracted to him. But with the two of us in no situation to be intimate with anyone, less each other, I trust that we will stay platonic for a while. R is cool too, he definitely makes me feel pretty and is fun to flirt with, but that will go nowhere. He put his hands on his son's mother, and although I appreciate his honesty, I wont be having that shit! D is a childless college graduate who thinks the moon was carved for my eyes alone. He works a lot (2 jobs) and hardly has time for anything, much less anyone else in his life, but the occasional lunch lifts my spirits. He is super attractive and his smile melts away everything.
It's amazing how everything has it's place in your world. Everyone plays a part in molding who you are and how you live your life. But I still need the control. I need to be able to say FUCK THIS and move on with making the least amount of ripples. I need to get over my penchant for the dramatic and grow up. Woof. That was hard to type.
...
I'm just so very glad of the support system I have. And the guys in my life that make me understand how to live accordingly.
My Mother, she's amazing. No matter what kind of shit I put her through, she's always there for me to support me in all of my decisions. And dammit, she was right... AGAIN!
Ketty, GG, Taby and Janet.... they help me with CJ so much and they have so much love and adoration for him it's unbelievable.
Then there is Tony and Alana and my crew. They have always had my back... in their own ways. No matter what, even if it was to remind me that I'm better than this shit.
My platonic guy friends make it easier too. I choose to refer them by their initials because even though this is my blog, it's still on the web and considering the jealousy level is definitely at a code orange on the terrorism scale, I think it's best. PO makes me feel amazing all the time. Almost everyday he sends me some sort of empowering text or FB message. Whether it be a great quote or just to tell me that I'm amazing and beautiful. Everyone can learn something from him. Then there is PG who is going through a similar situation with his daughter's mother. He's so easy to talk to and is a great resource. He comes over after CJ is asleep some nights with a six pack and an ear and just listens to my shit. Then I listen to his then he goes home. No pressure, no sex. I guess just having someone who understands and is willing to be there for you is so invaluable. I am, however, really attracted to him. But with the two of us in no situation to be intimate with anyone, less each other, I trust that we will stay platonic for a while. R is cool too, he definitely makes me feel pretty and is fun to flirt with, but that will go nowhere. He put his hands on his son's mother, and although I appreciate his honesty, I wont be having that shit! D is a childless college graduate who thinks the moon was carved for my eyes alone. He works a lot (2 jobs) and hardly has time for anything, much less anyone else in his life, but the occasional lunch lifts my spirits. He is super attractive and his smile melts away everything.
It's amazing how everything has it's place in your world. Everyone plays a part in molding who you are and how you live your life. But I still need the control. I need to be able to say FUCK THIS and move on with making the least amount of ripples. I need to get over my penchant for the dramatic and grow up. Woof. That was hard to type.
...
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
My capacity as a Mother.
Today was one of those days that tested my patience and capability as MOM. I accomplished so much today and I'm not exhausted as I am proud of myself. I woke up this morning, showered, got CJ ready and took him to his Dad's then went to school. Took two tests: scored a 99% on one and a 95% on the other then had lunch with Alana. I then went home and spent damn near 3 hours on the phone with Medicaid and Molina Heath Care and about 15 pediatricians from all over Miami, but I finally got a free check up and free shots for CJ. I then packed my WIC checks, my food stamps and an ass load of coupons and went grocery shopping. I got almost $400 in groceries for $35 including some beautiful flowers to brighten up the house a little bit. Then I picked up CJ, made some soup and CJ's bananas and we ate together for the first time. Then he helped me clean up, I bathed him and put him down to bed. He's such a good boy. Once I'm done with this blog, I'll be doing homework, the dishes and bathing. And FINALLY going to bed.
Today was a good day. But not as good as last night....
I had my first sex dream without Chris in it. And it was WAY hot :) As long as my subconscious keeps it up, I think I'll be A-O-K. lol
Today was a good day. But not as good as last night....
I had my first sex dream without Chris in it. And it was WAY hot :) As long as my subconscious keeps it up, I think I'll be A-O-K. lol
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Stress.
Stress. It's such a shitty thing man.
I feel like my whole body is just about to fall apart. I'm exhausted and worn out. I feel like anyday now I'm just going to SNAP.
Dealing with stress has never really been my forte. I guess I never really had to deal with as much stress as I'm experiencing now. I know there are constructive ways of dealing with stress, I just don't implement them at all. But now my psoriasis has flared up to debilitating proportions, I have this strange constant vibration in my right foot, nightly migraines, I've been eating WAY too much, snapping at people for no reason and I'm seriously about to go ape shit soon... not to mention all the nightmares with HIM in them. (((side note: I took a decent look at him when I was leaving his house after picking up CJ and it looks like he's wasting away. Totally NOT even attracted to him anymore... and surprisingly, it made me sad.)))
I know that deep breathing is a good stress releaver... I just have to remember to do it. I think I will write the word BREATHE on my wrist... just as a reminder.
I know exercise is too and I really want to join a gym again, but I really don't have the funds for that. I think I will implement my nightly walks with CJ on a more regular basis.
I know that one day I'll be able to look back upon this time in my life and see how I grew from it. That thought is sometimes the only thing that really gets me through all the crap. Until then I guess I'll be huffin n puffin and jazz-ersizing my ass off
I feel like my whole body is just about to fall apart. I'm exhausted and worn out. I feel like anyday now I'm just going to SNAP.
Dealing with stress has never really been my forte. I guess I never really had to deal with as much stress as I'm experiencing now. I know there are constructive ways of dealing with stress, I just don't implement them at all. But now my psoriasis has flared up to debilitating proportions, I have this strange constant vibration in my right foot, nightly migraines, I've been eating WAY too much, snapping at people for no reason and I'm seriously about to go ape shit soon... not to mention all the nightmares with HIM in them. (((side note: I took a decent look at him when I was leaving his house after picking up CJ and it looks like he's wasting away. Totally NOT even attracted to him anymore... and surprisingly, it made me sad.)))
I know that deep breathing is a good stress releaver... I just have to remember to do it. I think I will write the word BREATHE on my wrist... just as a reminder.
I know exercise is too and I really want to join a gym again, but I really don't have the funds for that. I think I will implement my nightly walks with CJ on a more regular basis.
I know that one day I'll be able to look back upon this time in my life and see how I grew from it. That thought is sometimes the only thing that really gets me through all the crap. Until then I guess I'll be huffin n puffin and jazz-ersizing my ass off
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