Friday, January 7, 2011

34 days and counting...

Can you believe it? In just about 4 weeks, I'll be giving birth to my little man!!! I'm so excited! I was super nervous about it before, but I feel very much at peace with it now. I'm content that my body, and CJ are in complete control over what's going to happen in the next few weeks. I've learned the biggest lesson that I think only being pregnant could've taught me... Letting go. It's still difficult to do every time something unplanned happens, but it's still there.

My belly is ever expanding, long pink lines form a cross over my protruding belly button. My feet haven't been their normal size for well over 5 months now, some flip flops won't even fit me. Cravings are back... mostly for sweets and milk and cuban bread and butter. Losing the baby weight concerns me, but I know I'll get my fabulosity back with eating right and lots of hard work. My hands swell off and on and my knuckles have turned white from the stress on my skin. I don't even wear the promise ring Phatty gave me anymore because the swelling of my hands can come on so suddenly that I've had to soap up my hands in public restrooms to get the ring off so it wouldn't cut off my circulation.  I haven't seen my genitals in quite some time. I'll take a mirror to her every once in a while just to see what's she's up to, and oh boy it ain't pretty. My vagina seems so much bigger  and darker than it was pre- pregnancy, and honestly I feel like it's someone else's vagina. My breasts are ever changing as well. My nipples are getting longer, and much darker. My areola is very dark, almost black and seems to be spreading in little black speckles around the larger center. My breasts are also getting much heavier, although their size really hasn't changed much. And all of this I have absolutely no control over. As someone who has dealt with body issues her whole life, I've had to come to terms that what my body looks like is a direct translation to how I treat it... not so much with pregnancy. It's going to change and there isn't a whole lot you can do about it.

I am grateful that I'm not working right now. Although I could really use the money, I've learned to let that go too. The money will come, the bill collectors will get paid. I'll figure it all out eventually. Right now, it's about being healthy and enjoying these last few weeks of pregnancy. I don't know if I will ever go through this again and it's been such a trial for me already, I refuse to allow anything to muddy up my experience.

Phatty moved in with me in our new room a few weeks ago. Our relationship is SO much better. We still bicker and have fought once since he's been here. But he's being a really good daddy-to-be and he's trying to hustle up some cash and has been helping me out for a change. I feel like we've allowed ourselves to fall in love with each other again. He'll glance over at the crib next to his side of the bed and talk to the invisible CJ that just woke up :) It's really very cute. When CJ is doing his gymnastics, Phatty will press his face up to my mutating belly and talk to CJ, calling him his Little Buddy. I can see the decisions he makes now aren't the same ones he would've made a year ago, they are ones a responsible father-to-be would make. It's just been all about finding a balance.

He is suffering from what has been dubbed the whore/madonna complex. He found my pre-pregnancy body the most beautiful and titillating thing ever, and it's not the changes that are throwing him for a loop, it's what those changes represent. Where I was a woman he could have crazy mind blowing sex with 8 or 9 months ago, I'm a mommy now. I no longer represent that whoredom he loved so much. I am now the giver of life and love. He said it perfectly one night: "what is it about love and lust that confuse you? don't you realize it's not the same thing?" The aforementioned changing vagina doesn't help either. It physically feels different for him and honestly isn't very comfortable for me for us to have conventional intercourse anymore. Although, for most couples; especially how we had been fighting and what we had been fighting over; this would have been the proverbial nail in the coffin, it has opened both our eyes to a world of intimacy and understanding of each other as sexual beings. For me, I didn't want him looking for satisfaction anywhere else, so I made it a point that I will make him feel like a god at least once or twice a day. It started off as a chore since I felt a little left out, it wasn't about my pleasure after all. But after a couple of days seeing how he really responded positively to my new found sensuality, it became a pleasure for me to perform for him. I felt like I was doing the right thing as a wife, a lover and I was reminding him who I am. Not just the mother of his child, but his ever loving wife and his ever slutty And THAT, my friends, gives me more pleasure than you can imagine. I think it makes him feel good too, makes him feel that his contributions to the household have been appreciated. He doesn't necessarily ask too many questions about it, he just enjoys it for what it is and has responded beautifully. Now if I can only get him to wash and wax the car.

2011 promises to be a unpredictable and exciting year for me at worse, so I'm already pretty stoked. I usually post a list of all the thing's I'd like to accomplish in the new year, but in the spirit of letting go... I won't. Not because I don't have goals and aspirations, but I understand that "life happens while you're busy making plans." -Lennon. The sad part is, a lot of people are so stuck in their plans, they don't allow themselves the chance to fully enjoy what it is life is truly showing them. It took me 2nd degree burns, a broken arm,  and the incarceration of the man I love to finally be able to enjoy my pregnancy... 8 months into! It took all of that to learn, fuck it!!! It's all going to change anyway!!! Enjoy it while it's awesome so you can remember how amazing and beautiful life is when it SUCKS! "Mama, just get it while ya can"-Joplin.

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