Monday, May 30, 2011

Let it go. Breathe. Move on.

The time has come for me to get and save my life. No more bullshit. No more waiting for my retard in tin foil to turn into a knight in shining armor. I'm tired of shit hitting the fan for no reason other than anger and hatred and jealousy. This is exhausting already. I don't want to feed into the anger anymore. I can't say the same for him, but again, I guess I never really could.

I'm just so very glad of the support system I have. And the guys in my life that make me understand how to live accordingly.

My Mother, she's amazing. No matter what kind of shit I put her through, she's always there for me to support me in all of my decisions. And dammit, she was right... AGAIN!

Ketty, GG, Taby and Janet.... they help me with CJ so much and they have so much love and adoration for him it's unbelievable.

Then there is Tony and Alana and my crew. They have always had my back... in their own ways. No matter what, even if it was to remind me that I'm better than this shit.

My platonic guy friends make it easier too. I choose to refer them by their initials because even though this is my blog, it's still on the web and considering the jealousy level is definitely at a code orange on the terrorism scale, I think it's best. PO makes me feel amazing all the time. Almost everyday he sends me some sort of empowering text or FB message. Whether it be a great quote or just to tell me that I'm amazing and beautiful. Everyone can learn something from him. Then there is PG who is going through a similar situation with his daughter's mother. He's so easy to talk to and is a great resource. He comes over after CJ is asleep some nights with a six pack and an ear and just listens to my shit. Then I listen to his then he goes home. No pressure, no sex. I guess just having someone who understands and is willing to be there for you is so invaluable. I am, however, really attracted to him. But with the two of us in no situation to be intimate with anyone, less each other, I trust that we will stay platonic for a while. R is cool too, he definitely makes me feel pretty and is fun to flirt with, but that will go nowhere. He put his hands on his son's mother, and although I appreciate his honesty, I wont be having that shit! D is a childless college graduate who thinks the moon was carved for my eyes alone. He works a lot (2 jobs) and hardly has time for anything, much less anyone else in his life, but the occasional lunch lifts my spirits. He is super attractive and his smile melts away everything.

It's amazing how everything has it's place in your world. Everyone plays a part in molding who you are and how you live your life.  But I still need the control. I need to be able to say FUCK THIS and move on with making the least amount of ripples. I need to get over my penchant for the dramatic and grow up. Woof. That was hard to type.


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

My capacity as a Mother.

Today was one of those days that tested my patience and capability as MOM.  I accomplished so much today and I'm not exhausted as I am proud of myself. I woke up this morning, showered, got CJ ready and took him to his Dad's then went to school. Took two tests: scored a 99% on one and a 95% on the other then had lunch with Alana. I then went home and spent damn near 3 hours on the phone with Medicaid and Molina Heath Care and about 15 pediatricians from all over Miami, but I finally got a free check up and free shots for CJ.  I then packed my WIC checks, my food stamps and an ass load of coupons and went grocery shopping. I got almost $400 in groceries for $35 including some beautiful flowers to brighten up the house a little bit. Then I picked up CJ, made some soup and CJ's bananas and we ate together for the first time. Then he helped me clean up, I bathed him and put him down to bed. He's such a good boy. Once I'm done with this blog, I'll be doing homework, the dishes and bathing. And FINALLY going to bed.

Today was a good day. But not as good as last night....

I had my first sex dream without Chris in it. And it was WAY hot :) As long as my subconscious keeps it up, I think I'll be A-O-K. lol

Thursday, May 19, 2011


Stress. It's such a shitty thing man.

I feel like my whole body is just about to fall apart. I'm exhausted and worn out. I feel like anyday now I'm just going to SNAP.

Dealing with stress has never really been my forte. I guess I never really had to deal with as much stress as I'm experiencing now. I know there are constructive ways of dealing with stress, I just don't implement them at all. But now my psoriasis has flared up to debilitating proportions, I have this strange constant vibration in my right foot, nightly migraines, I've been eating WAY too much, snapping at people for no reason and I'm seriously about to go ape shit soon... not to mention all the nightmares with HIM in them. (((side note: I took a decent look at him when I was leaving his house after picking up CJ and it looks like he's wasting away. Totally NOT even attracted to him anymore... and surprisingly, it made me sad.)))

I know that deep breathing is a good stress releaver... I just have to remember to do it. I think I will write the word BREATHE on my wrist... just as a reminder.

I know exercise is too and I really want to join a gym again, but I really don't have the funds for that. I think I will implement my nightly walks with CJ on a more regular basis.

I know that one day I'll be able to look back upon this time in my life and see how I grew from it. That thought is sometimes the only thing that really gets me through all the crap.  Until then I guess I'll be huffin n puffin and jazz-ersizing my ass off

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Let's get real.

Tonight, while I was doing laundry and washing some dishes, CJ decided he couldn't wait for his bath to pass out. Trust me, I'm not complaining. The news was bombarding my living room with the tales of robberies and murders... I'm sorry, but I have no time or space in my living room for that crap, so the TV was promptly nixed. As CJ sways in his swing, I kicked my feet up and started reading an article in March's issue of SELF magazine; "Get Real. Authenticity is key to happy, healthy, more meaningful existence, research shows. And yet, what sounds easy-Just be yourself!- can be surprisingly hard to do. Find out how to be your truest self and love your life more every day."

I have felt so lost lately and as I read the article it was like the author knew I would pick up that magazine on this night. It goes through a step by step process of coming to an understanding of who you are, what your values are and how to not be afraid to let your actions reflect your values. ((almost reminds me of that segment, "when keepin it real goes author, Marjorie Ingall, encouraged the reader to grab a pen and paper and jot down thoughts and responses to the steps she gives. If you think about it, it's so hard to march to the beat of your own drummer. We, as women, are taught that we need to couple up and have kids in order to have a fulfilling life, that we need to be concerned about fitting in than to be authentic to our own rhythms. So, naturally, I grabbed my laptop and here we go:

Four keys to living authentically....
1) An awareness of what makes you tick.
What makes me tick:
   a)I'd rather be living in a clean artful home
   b)I'd rather have a basic knowledge of something before it's sprung into my lap.
   c)I hate incompetence, poor customer service and poor communication.
   d)I prefer structure in my day to day life, but still enjoy the fun spontaneity can offer
   e)I hate infidelity.
   f)I prefer a close circle of great friends than a broad circle of acquaintances.
2)The ability to gauge your weaknesses.
My weak points:
   a) I'm always late and stressed
   b)I have a tendency to stretch the truth when telling a story
   c)I often confuse my dreams with reality
   d)I am as lazy as I am a hard worker
   e)I spend entirely way too much money, that I don't have, on things I really don't need to impress people I don't even much like.
   f)I am messy
   g) my expectations of how others need to act and treat me are often unrealistic
3)A willingness to act in accordance to your values.
   I often act against my values in order to mesh with someone else in a relationship. That obviously hasn't gotten me anywhere. I then get so fed up (as per my last 3 relationships) that I finally leave after flip flopping the issue and weighing circumstances to be more important than my life and values. I also hate rejection and hate that I know I am hurting someone else. I don't do this with friends or family however... hmm.
4)Honest and sincere relationships.
I have no problem with honest disclosure to people I have personal relationships with. More often than not, that's what get's me in trouble and therefore eventually shuts me down. Fuck them. lol

Pinpoint what matters to you!
-What makes you happiest? Playing with my son, painting/drawing, great conversation over cocktails or coffee, cuddling up with someone who really loves me, looking great, my hair, being rewarded for my hard work, volunteering in my community, helping a friend, coming home to my family, not getting those antagonizing phone calls from bill collectors, midnight margaritas or "fuckitall" fridays, being in nature, peace and quiet, a good book, living in a clean home.
-Next, consider what upsets you most. Being disconnected, lies, being disappointed in other peoples behavior, shitty friends, child abuse, injustice, homeless/hungry children, racism, egos, shitty sense of humor, people not exercising their ability to help others, selfishness, crimes against women.
-What are your deepest fears?Disappointing my son and settling for less than what I deserve.
-What gifts do you want to share?I love making people feel beautiful, I'm a great writer, I enjoy volunteering and impacting my community in a positive way, I'm a great Mom.

Know your weaknesses.
-A time you ignored your gut. The moment I met Chris, I knew I should've walked away. But, I did get my amazing boy out of the whole deal.
-A time you tried to whitewash one of your flaws. Whenever a relationship ends on terms other than my own, I flip out, go a little crazy and always blame the other party for my heartache. ie: "I was fine until he said/did so I had to key his car/stalk his ass/not let him get away with it." Deep down I know I did my fair share of dirt to ruin the relationship, but it's not over until I say it is..otherwise I'm making your life a living hell...<---lol my warning label :)
-A time you blamed someone else for your mistake. I think I'm pretty good at fessing up what I mess up. However, I do make excuse from other peoples actions to validate my reactions, as in the example above. "well, if she just minded her own business, I wouldn't have had to put her out on front street" etc etc. 

Align your values and actions.
-Think of a time you didn't act in concert with your values. I could think of a hundred times in my relationship with Chris alone.
-Reflect on the possible consequences if you had acted differently. Chances are, I would have bared my pregnancy alone, I would have left him when I read a letter sent to him from another girl, but by that time I was already pregnant. I probably would have moved away and never have told him of his son. There was countless times I should have left him...

Dare to reveal your true self.
-Consider whether or not you express your true emotions. I honestly think that I do. When I'm jealous, I state it... when I'm sad I cry openly. I don't shut down and I sure as hell don't stay quiet. I do however think that I use the wrong outlets for my frustration and anger , ahem.. facebook...I need to develop that maturity to choose the time and place to discuss my feelings with those who have impacted me to the point of negative emotion. Then I have my blog... I know I can vent on here and if anyone has an issue with it, it breaks down very easily. You chose to come here and read what I have to say, you can also choose to never come back.

Authentic living is something I truly want to strive for. Something to think about while I decide on what to give up on friday.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

So much Drama....

Wow, I really haven't posted in a long while. My life had dramatically changed since the last time I posted. I kinda wish that my biggest problems were still my wipes warmer turning my wipes brown. But alas, I'm back to work, albeit, only on the weekends... but that's about all I can really take of it. I go to school now monday - friday and Chris, my son's father, takes care of my son (mostly) while I'm in school.

Oh, and I have officially gone nuts.
I have decided to vent rage and ramble in this entry so if it doesn't make sense, it really shouldn't, nor should it matter to much of anyone other than me. I just need to write, get it out, move on and, of course, have it documented so one day when I'm happy, I can remember how I felt today and see how far I've gone.

I feel so cheated by him. He promised me everything and although, in the back of my head I knew it was all bullshit, I still believed him and gave him a son. And now I lash out and act really immaturely. I text him about how he ruined me and about the hatred I harbor for him. Why? Because I get no real free time. Granted I like school and I appreciate work, but my life isn't like his. He has to be responsible for 7.5 hours a day, 5 days a week, most of which CJ is napping through so the cumulative hours of weekly responsibility really aren't much. He then borrows someone else's motorcycle and rides off to god knows (or cares) where and does whatever the fuck he wants. It's not fucking fair. My life consists of my son,work, school, perfecting my craft, sleeping and eating. That's it. I had a guy ask me the other day what were my hobbies... are you FUCKING KIDDING ME! And this was coming from a guy who's also a Dad. Idiot.

And it's not like I hate my life I really don't. I live in a beautiful home, I have a great support system, I have a blast at school, I'm really great at my job... I could stand to make more money, but I mean common, who couldn't? My son is awesome, my friends are amazing... granted I'm not exactly where I want to be... but most of that comes from this HATRED I have for my son's father.

So back to why I hate him. It's not just his lack of responsibility either... because the lackey morons around him enable it too... but that's a whole other blog entry. I just feel so disappointed, let down, fooled, lied to, manipulated, abused, fucked over! And the worse part is... I can't just erase him from my life. We have a baby. FUCKING LAME. Don't give me that "oh but you love your son and he's so amazing" crap. Duh. I know this. Doesn't change the fact that I hate his father.

It's shit like this that makes me feel like "love" and "sex" and their interconnections are the root of all that is wrong with the human psyche. I feel heartless and asexual. Fuck love.

My hatred started brewing the night Chris and I went to the auto show and I found out he was sending pictures to and from some skank (who has her own family mind you and acted like my friend) that were wholly inappropriate in EVERY way. Then the shit kept piling on and I kept taking it. Until finally I can't. And I finally leave him.

But now every time I drop off my boy I am reminded of the family that was built on lies. About the promises he made me and how he just told me what I wanted to hear. If I had left him when I first had the inclination to, I would have had 11 phat-free months... granted single and pregnant wouldn't exactly have been amazing... but I could've always said it wasn't his. That's what is so fucked up. I just can't get him out of my life. At least now CJ is starting to look more like me... thank god.

I also feel like he never has to really pay for his actions... he's always in and out of jail (red flag much)and he just doesn't care about anyone but himself. He constantly manipulates to get what he wants with no regard for other people.

And he'll probably be just like his father... a complete dick to women, leaving a trail of children behind until finally one day he just snaps the fuck out of it, grows up and commits. The sad part? I won't ever be her, even though he promised. Asshole. Let's hope it's not genetic and CJ stays awesome.

Whew. FUCK IT! It's over. He can be someone else's problem now. I just get a little crazy when I think about the life I thought we were going to have and the life I ended up with. Hopefully the two of them get crotch rot and die a humiliating death. Like Elvis or Mama Cas.

Wow, I already feel so much better. I just really need an outlet.

I need to really commit to more productive behaviors.
I brought back my facebook, because I really need to network with work and school... otherwise I won't get very far... but I did delete and block an ass load of people. :) That block button makes me happy. Mostly HIS friends and family... a lot of whom I will miss, but I can't risk them running off to him about every little thing I do. Not like I do anything particularly racy, just dont wanna antagonize the sleeping lion, ya dig? I need to keep my FB for what it was meant for... networking.

My blog will still continue being the mud slinging, venting and all around awesomeness that is Liz's blogs. Man I wish I still had access to the one I had on myspace... That was EPIC! (*wink at Alana*)

I need to keep my bonding time with CJ totally sacred. No phone, no TV, no internet... just me and my boy.

I need to commit to doing at least 30-60 minutes of homework a night after CJ goes to sleep, even if it's just reading or youtube tutorials.

I need to commit to a healthy life style including exercise daily. Even though Chris took away my exercise vids... I still have an amazing neighborhood to walk or jog in. I need to also make appointments with my eye doctor, dentist and a family therapist. Health isn't just about losing weight and looking hot... it's about your body's optimal performance and getting there the right way.

I am hereby making myself the promise that when I start getting too deep into my head and heart I will not reach for my phone but to turn it off and instead, do something awesome for my life. After all, the best revenge is a life successfully lived.