Just die already!

Change is a funny thing. When one decides to undergo a change, they are allowing a part of them to die. Maybe that's why some people are so resistant to change. They can't stand to admit a part of them is old and wrong. Or maybe it's just too comforting and familiar? I need to make so many changes right now. Physically, emotionally, financially... The big three need a total overhaul. If I was serious about it, I would eat only salads and work out everyday until I vomited, let everything just GO and quit my job. But i'm not that crazy... yet.

Today's Affirmative Hyku

Tall strong beautiful
I am like an old oak tree
Roots planted firmly

Questions....

1. In one sentence, who are you? -A fun-loving mom, daughter and friend with an easy laugh and a stern hand
2. Why do you matter?-I'm a dedicated Mommy who has a lot to offer, once given the chance.
3. What is your life motto?-Go BIG or go home
4. What’s something you have that everyone wants?-Love, my son, confidence, happiness.
5. What is missing in your life?-My own home and a partner to share my life with
6. What’s been on your mind most lately? Making money
7. Happiness is a ________? -Virtue
8. What stands between you and happiness? -My son, he's the glue that keeps happiness and I together
9. What do you need most right now? -Need? nothing.
10. What does the child inside you long for? -a play date
11. What is one thing right now that you are totally sure of? -My future is bright and amazing
12. What’s been bothering you lately? -My son's father
13. What are you scared of? -not being there for my son when he needs me.
14. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing? -a lot of really fun stuff!!! stupid fears!
15. What will you never give up on? -my son, true love, myself
16. What do you want to remember forever? -My son right now at 10 months old
17. What makes you feel secure? -My home, my Mom.
18. Which activities make you lose track of time? -Painting, creating, crafting, decorating cakes, makeup, shopping, volunteering, coffee with friends, playing tickle monster with my son.
19. What’s the most difficult decision you’ve ever made? -Leaving my sons father.
20. What’s the best decision you’ve ever made? -Leaving my sons father.
21. What are you most grateful for? -My life, my family, my sense of humor, confidence and love.
22. What is worth the pain? -Childbirth.
23. In order of importance, how would you rank: happiness, money, love, health, fame? -happiness, health, love, money, fame.
24. What is something you’ve always wanted, but don’t yet have? - A home of my own
25. What was the most defining moment in your life during this past year? -Giving birth
26. What’s the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months? -Moving on, not creating the drama.
27. What’s the number one thing you want to achieve in the next five years? -A house and debt free life for my son and I
28. What is the biggest motivator in your life right now? -My son
29. What will you never do? -Compromise my son's well being
30. What’s something you said you’d never do, but have since done?- Sell myself short
31. What’s something new you recently learned about yourself? -I still got it.
32. What do you sometimes pretend to understand that you really do not? -Being a Mom. lol
33. In one sentence, what do you wish for your future self? - To be living my best possible life, constantly learning and striving for success.
34. What worries you most about the future? -The world my son will grow up in.
35. When you look into the past, what do you miss most? -Being carefree.
36. What’s something from the past that you don’t miss at all? -Being dependent on other peoples love and acceptance.
37. What recently reminded you of how fast time flies? -My son walking.
38. What is the biggest challenge you face right now? -Finances and getting my businesses up and running
39. In one word, how would you describe your personality? -Mutable lol
40. What never fails to frustrate you? -Injustice, Inconsideration and Ignorance
41. What are you known for by your friends and family? -Being a lil crazy, but a rock none the less.
42. What’s something most people don’t know about you? -I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
43. What’s a common misconception people have about you? -I'm mean.
44. What’s something a lot of people do that you disagree with? -Deny their path
45. What’s a belief you hold with which many people disagree? -ProLife
46. What’s something that’s harder for you than it is for most people? -Math
47. What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend? -Honesty, Sense of Humor, Genuine
48. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? -FOREVER.
49. When you think of ‘home,’ what, specifically, do you think of? -My future home with CJ
50. What’s the most valuable thing you own? -Happiness
51. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most? -My mom and work
52. What would make you smile right now? -snuggling up with my son.
53. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy? -Play with my son, work or go through that auto-correct website... hilarious.
54. What do you wish did not exist in your life? Jealousy
55. What should you avoid to improve your life? Drama
56. What is something you would hate to go without for a day? Love
57. What’s the biggest lie you once believed was true? That he wanted a family and would never cheat.
58. What’s something bad that happened to you that made you stronger? -the past 3 years
59. What’s something nobody could ever steal from you? -strength
60. What’s something you disliked when you were younger that you truly enjoy today? -celery lol
61. What are you glad you quit? -smoking, toxic relationships, putting up with bullshit.
62. What do you need to spend more time doing? -Tending to myself
63. What are you naturally good at? -Anything creative
64. What have you been counting or keeping track of recently? -Finances
65. What has the little voice inside your head been saying lately? -Fuck them all.
66. What’s something you should always be careful with? -Finances and my mouth.
67. What should always be taken seriously? -Injustice
68. What should never be taken seriously? - Everything else
69. What are three things you can’t get enough of? -My sons giggle, love, money
70. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? -Vigilante
71. What fascinates you? - the starry sky above me and the moral law within me
72. What’s the difference between being alive and truly living? - breathing and taking your breath away
73. What’s something you would do every day if you could? -Create.
74. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? -When I decided to fearlessly do all the things I have ever wanted to do
75. Which is worse, failing or never trying? -never trying
76. What makes you feel incomplete? -betrayal
77. When did you experience a major turning point in your life? -discovery of constant betrayal
78. What or who do you wish you lived closer to? -A Craft store
79. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be? -Shut the fuck up and love.
80. What’s something you know you can count on? -Time
81. What makes you feel comfortable? -Knowing I did a good job
82. What’s something about you that has never changed? -My laugh
83. What will be different about your life in exactly one year? -Everything
84. What mistakes do you make over and over again? -Not following my gut, being afraid to hurt peoples feelings.
85. What do you have a hard time saying “no” to? -People I respect
86. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? -A little of both, just not sure what I believe in anymore.
87. What’s something that used to scare you, but no longer does? -My sons father
88. What promise to yourself do you still need to fulfill? -A home
89. What do you appreciate most about your current situation? -Everyones help
90. What’s something simple that makes you smile? -My sons smile
91. So far, what has been the primary focus of your life? -Money and Love
92. How do you know when it’s time to move on? -When it hurts to stay
93. What’s something you wish you could do one more time? -Marcelo ...lol ;)
94. When you’re 90-years-old, what will matter to you the most? -My family
95. What would you regret not fully doing, being, or having in your life? Going Big.

Peripity's sister...serendipity.

I was having a horrible nightmare about my sons father (yet again) that got me so angry. My son tapped me on his shoulder in his sleep and I jumped up and haven't been able to relax enough to go back to sleep. I grab some pineapple chunks and start heating up some milk for some hot cocoa and decide to watch my FB feed for a while... then there it was...

My girlfriend, Danielle Hartless, reposted a link from her friends feed that was just perfect: "30 things to stop doing to yourself." Here's an excerpt:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Heres the link if you'd like to explore their blog (awesome stuff): http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

I felt the need to keep this somewhere where I will always have it, just in case I need a reminder.

Today was definitely one of those days where the power of the universe and karma was very evident. I have never been a more faithful believer of the transfer of energies than I am today. Now if you will excuse me, I have a date with Google and a cup of hot cocoa.

Goals

The new year is almost upon us, and like any normal human being, I'm thinking of my goals.

I really wanted to run the img marathon this year, but my endurance is shot and my back pain has only gotten worse. To be frank with you, it's because I didn't train as hard as I needed to. I'm really disappointed in myself. I can run a 9 minute mile, and maybe only do about 3 miles before I feel like passing out and vomiting. No bueno. So I will take this year to really train. I mean being able to run the marathon before my son turns 1 was indeed a lofty goal. But I can proudly say I have lost 61 lbs to date. Which, is pretty damn good., and there will always be 2013... lol. God seems like a life time away doesn't it?

I'm finally getting back to the way I used to eat and exercise BC (before chris) and I like it. I need to get rid of all this old baggage and bullshit I accumulated in that god forsaken relationship and move on. Maybe not like I was before, because I'm better and faster and smarter and well, a MOM now. But I do need to move on.  I accomplished a lot this year and I am so proud of myself. I gave birth to a beautiful, smart, happy little boy, finished school, started two businesses and continued to work part time while being a Mom. I never in a million years thought I would actually be proud of myself like I am right now.

So what can I do to make 2012 better??
Health:
Well assuming that the 14 lbs I want to lose by the new year do come off, I'd like to lose another 50-60 lbs. I'd like to maintain my diet and exercise more often and at a higher intensity. If my training goes well the next few weeks I may just enter the img half marathon. We'll see... no pressure. But I will for sure enter the 2013 IMG marathon. I'll reward myself every 10 lbs I lose by allowing myself to purchase a new outfit. Every 20 lbs I will reward myself with a new tattoo or new shoes :) yea I like that !!!! When I reach my 60lb mark I will give myself a vacation where I can wear nothing but a bikini all day and night long :) lol YES! I will also be diligent about getting my health insurance back on track and maintaining my yearly OB, PCP, optometry and dermatology visits and my dentist appointments every 6 months. I will also maintain a pedicure and manicure 2 times a week on my own and once a month at a salon or spa. I will also get a massage or acupuncture treatment and a facial once every two months. I need to start treating myself right so I can be the best I can be!

Home
I will have a solid savings for a new home for me and CJ, even if we're not moved in by the end of the year, I'd like to seriously be looking for a home and move in for my 30th birthday in 2013. The home will be on a little bit of land so I can grow food and flowers and have plenty of room for CJ to grow. I will also dedicate one hour a night every night to cleaning the house and getting organized. I will cook dinner at least 3 times a week and wean CJ off of bottled processed baby foods and onto wholesome real food.

Work
I will work towards a promotion at Hard Rock and save money to build up my two companies. I will complete a solid business plan for a bakery and salon and start looking for investors by the end of the year. I will keep a detailed calender with time dedicated to all my ventures. I will also open up official websites for my companies.

Life:
I will spend as much time as humanly possible with CJ. I will spend one on one time with at least one friend a week. I will volunteer once a month in my community. I will start to draw and paint again, and create as much as I can. I will take time to be grateful for at least one thing in my life everyday. And I will not allow any BD drama into my life.


2012 will be the end of life as I know it and the beginning of Life as I Deserve It! 

Sometimes the end begins with you...

"If something persists, it contains a hidden truth." A good friend told me this once and it has always kinda stuck with me. It kind of became a way to change my paradigm when i felt like I was bashing my head against a wall.

So now I'm in a situation with my sons father, yet again, where we are fighting and I feel extreme hatred and anger towards him. So what do I do? It seems like every way I try to deal with this situation end up being for not, because the drama will always be there.

Then it dawned on me. What if I'm causing this? It makes sense, I feel so jealous that he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants. He has no responsibility and his family is always covering his ass. There was a point where I was always covering his ass too,  until I realized that he won't do the same for me. He's doing the same thing to his new girlfriend that he did to me and it makes me hate him more. He still is using the same lines and "reading the same book" if you will, instead of growing up and being a father. But someone very close to me said it best... "so what has changed?" Not a god damned thing. That's what. And he won't. He'll still make plans, then over sleep or get too fucked up to follow through with them. He'll still call hours before our scheduled pick up time for me to get my son. He'll still party all weekend instead of taking care of his arrunds and have no time for my son. He'll still spend his money on stupid shit and partying instead of contributing to the care of my son. Nothing has changed. At all. So why am I beating a dead horse? I keep saying I'm done, and yet we still fight about the same shit.

So it will be simply this: I deserve no contact with my sons father. I will not call him or send him pictures of CJ. If he feels he has the time to contact me to spend time with CJ, then I will accommodate his request. But I will no longer feel the need to antagonize him about being a father. That's it. It is what it is.

Just Let Go.

What I deserve...

... the ability to provide my own safe, clean, loving home for my son
... the ability to make good money doing something I love
... the normal luxuries of American life
... a man who isn't going to be concerned about my FB relationship status
... a man who understands that yes, I'm a mother, but I am also a woman
... to be appreciated for my talents
... to be organized and clean and free of mental and physical clutter
... to be paid what I'm worth
... a man who isn't going to even hint at having unprotected sex with me
... to have the financial security to be able to have a plan B
... to make my dreams come true
... a man who loves and appreciates me for me and can look beyond the complications of my life's bad decisions
...to be an amazing Mother, Daughter, Wife and Friend
...to live my life according to my rules and not how others' think I should
...to be treated as an equal in a relationship
...to be able to give back to my mother
...to be drama free
... peace in my life and in my son's life
...to grow old surrounded by love
...to not be haunted by my former self
...to be forgiven
... what do you deserve?...

You know you're a "Mom" when... (infant edition)

...you take an honest look at your wardrobe and think... "hmm... I need more yoga pants."
...after any given meal, you have more food in your hair than on the baby's face, bib and highchair table combined.
...you wish you were pregnant again, just for the excuse to take a nap and to get out of house work.
...your kid's first Holiday Season is suddenly the most important thing in the world. I mean fuck world hunger!!! I need an ornament that holds pictures and one that says "baby's first christmas" and oh oh oh, so what if I don't sleep, I have to sew his first stocking and make his first wreath!" o_0
...the wet spot on your bed is actually just milk or juice or drool from a teething baby.
...you can finally see your toes again. OH GAWD! YOU CAN FINALLY SEE YOUR TOES AGAIN!!!
...while basking in the joy of finally getting your baby to fall asleep, any movement from said child that may lead to him waking up makes you drop to the floor and send you via army crawl out the door.
...you think about going back to school as a vacation.
...you click on the family tab instead of the nightlife tab on the New Times upcoming event list
...you then pour yourself a glass of wine, click on the nightlife tab and have a stroll down memory lane.
...you think mothers should be given a Metal of honor for making it past the first three months.
...you can simultaneously get ready for work, put your baby back to bed, do laundry and dishes, ice a cake and write a half assed blog at 6 am. (then later realize you forgot to brush your teeth and there's a good chance your thong is on backwards.)
...you think about all the feats you have accomplished before... and realize that this is the most rewarding.
...you know what true love really is.

It's begining to look a lot like Christmas!

Ah, yes... CJ's first Christmas.  Got the "Baby's first Christmas" ornament on lock, some gifts for the little guy already bought, some pictures taken for the Christmas cards....

Went to go see Santa at Dolphin Mall, cute little set up they have there. CJ dug the polar bears... but Santa... eh, not so much. Maybe next year.

All this holiday cheer, the smell of fresh baked goodies, the cool breeze (haven't turned on the AC in 2 days..yay) and really good sales at the mall all stir up the domestic diva in me. I suddenly have the urge to up-do my hair, wear low-heeled mules, get a french mani, and learn the proper way to starch and iron a man's shirt.

Could this be a sort of postpartum "nesting" that no one told me about? I'm sure I'm not the only single mother who held tightly to her 10 month old son as she gazed into the perfectly "American" holiday windows of a Ralph Lauren retail shop and daydreamed of a white picket fence surrounding an old colonial home with heirloom roses climbing a lattice that hugs front entrance way. The window on the left side of the home is open and two freshly baked apple pies cooling on it's sill. Inside the window an all white shabby chic kitchen is bustling with young kids chasing the family dogs while the ladies and I sip mimosas and check the Cornish hens. Laughter fills the house as we go outside to pick fresh dill and rosemary from my flourishing garden while the chickens run thru our legs. In the horizon my husband and son are casting a net in the pond we dug as a family to catch some fish for my state-fair winning fish spread that we'll serve tonight with some freshly baked bread. And unfamiliar smog creeps quickly over my view... hmm... my breath is fogging up the window again. Back to reality.

There's nothing like the first holiday with your kid I guess. At least for me I suddenly realize how badly I yearn to be domesticated. Haha. That ALMOST sounds bad. But I truly want to be amazing at all things domestic. Cooking, Baking, Cleaning, Organizing and running a household! I long for a home that is MINE; where my family can grow. Where I bake my cupcakes and sew CJ's costumes for his school play. Where I grow my prize winning roses and harvest a cornucopia of foods that feed me and my neighbors. Where my attic is neatly organized with all my decorations for the year's holidays and my basement is not only my office but storage for all the years canning and craft projects are sitting just waiting to be realized.

I long for a home whose mornings entail collecting eggs and vegetables for breakfast and sitting on the front porch in my terry cloth robe with a hot cup of espresso watching ol glory fly in the cool bay breeze.  Where afternoons can be lazy or balls to the wall crazy, but everyone feels at home. CJ will have his first kiss on the tire swing in the front yard and sell lemonade on the weekends to earn his first big boy bike. Where there is an old rocking chair on the front porch where I'll clean my rifle the night of CJ's first date and where my husband will clean his rifle when our daughter has her first date ;)

I'll go to PTA meetings and the women will stare cause I have pink hair and tattoos, but they ALL want my recipe for blueberry muffins.
I'll starch my sons and husband's shirts perfectly, and even press their handkerchiefs so well they will never even realize that they could even wrinkle.
All of CJ's friends will always want to come over cause "CJ's Mom is a total MILF, and she makes the best after-practice pizza," and we'll have sleep overs in the tents outside almost every weekend.
And when the neighbors fight with their spouses the husbands say "why can't you be more like Liz!" and the wives reply "When you start acting more like Liz's husband, I'll ask her for lessons you JERK!" But they all watch him (my husband) as he mows the lawn shirtless (so what if I rubbed him down with baby oil..heheheh...keeps the bugs off lol) and they all watch me when I wash the bikes or cars in my bikini... (like I said, the baby oil is purely for ... uhh... something ..)

I won't be perfect, but I'll be the best me and comfortable in my own skin. My hair, nails and skin will be on point because I take care of myself, eat right and exercise. I'll be happy because I will do what I love and love what I do. I'll wear the preppy white polo dress to CJ's football games like all the other housewives, but my pink hair, high heels, tattooed sleeves, gauged ears, gold teeth and hoochie acrylic nails will be unlike anything they could ever imagine. The women will respect me because I run a tight ship, always have a smile in my hello and am always willing to share a tip or recipe. The men will love me because I take care of my family well and look DAMN good doing it.

Dare to dream... then work hard as hell to make those dreams come true. . . looks like I have a lot of hard work ahead of me :) Funny thing is... I'm crazy enough to really think I can do it...

Excuse me while I pull my head out of my own ass.

There has never been a more dangerous time for a single mother than the time I spend alone. When CJ is asleep, and all the work has been done. I lay there and think about how nice it would be to have a warm body laying next to me. To ask me how my day was and rub my back when I'm aching from my epidural injection sites. Sometimes I wish my family hadn't fallen apart like it did.

My biggest problem is that when I start to miss my family, I get confused and think I'm missing CJ's father. I forget what poison he is to me. Don't get me wrong I'm sure there's some demented woman out there that will think he's aces. I just haven't gone that far off the deep end.

I'm a big believer that there is someone out there for everyone. I believe in love at first sight and following your gut. Two things that I ignored the past few relationships.

I feel like my head is firmly planted directly into my ass. I'm not quite sure what the issue is. Maybe I've kept myself so busy that I haven't had the chance to really re-connect with myself. I mean as I type this I have three different projects going on at the same time. I am tired. And it's not like wanting to be loved is so totally ridiculous either.

It's not about sex, but more like companionship. A partner. Someone who takes on an equal load. I've been thinking an awful lot about who I have become and what it is I want and what it is I deserve. I can tell you one thing I deserve the most: PEACE.

Peace is a state of mind as well as a state of being, from what I understand. So how to I attain Peace?
Step one: Pull your head out of your ass. Take a look around. Your life is pretty fucking sweet lady! ENJOY IT!
Step two: Balance. I won't have balance unless I understand my priorities and see myself as a priority. I need to get enough sleep, go to the gym, and eat right as well as be an amazing mother, employee and entrepreneur
three: I have to get certain people out of my life, and others back in.
four: avoid drama, and dramatic situations like the fucking plague.
five: take help when it's offered.

Peace. Yeah, peace... sounds perfect. . . I'm sure there are a few more things... but as of right now, This is a good start... now to get started on that sleep part.

Welcome November, good to see you again.

  Well Halloween sucked. It rained cats and dogs until CJ passed out, of course. Then the night was bearable. But I wouldn't know much of the night because I too passed out after shoveling handfuls of candy into wide-eyed kids bags dressed up as ninjas and such. One little Asian girl was Belle from Beauty and the Beast in a dress obviously NOT from the Disney store and she rocked one of those go green sacks from a farmers market. A girl after my own heart. She got two heaping handfuls of candy. Then she looked at me like I should give her more. Bitch, get outta my yard! Greedy lil heffa.

   But I did eventually sleep for about 14 hours with a brief interruption to get myself some water in the middle of the night after a horrible nightmare involving my sons father. I keep having these dreams of him being be-headed in a motorcycle accident. My subconscious can be a real prick sometimes. Granted, I do enjoy pushing his buttons and hearing him yell once in a while, but I would never want him to get hurt, much less be-headed. Yuck.

   Ever since Rigo and I broke up I've been really lazy and almost lost. I feel kinda like the rug has been pulled from under my feet. I don't like this at all. I'll snap out of it, I know I will. But shit, I didn't think it would take me this long. I don't think of him as much as I think of Marcelo, the one I left to be with Chris. I still kind of kick myself in the ass every now and then. Granted Marcelo wasn't the greatest guy for me either... listened to way too much Pink Floyd. But he was possibly the closest to exactly what I want with Rigo being a close second. Rigo and Marcelo were cut of the same cloth. Both Anonymous members, both techs, both into sustainable living and paintball, both into leaving the smallest carbon footprint they could, both pot heads, both worshiped my body and were amazing lovers, both completely covered in tattoos, both could hold a decent conversation on astronomy... I'm sure there's more. But come to think of it, Rigo did to me almost exactly what I did to Marcelo. Damn you Karma!

Shit man, I didn't really think about it like that until now. Wow. I suck. Ok, well lesson learned. Marcelo will still be the one that got away. I remember, not too long ago, on my way to the gym I passed by Marcelo's old house. Looked empty. None of his old cars were in the drive way, "Pepper" wasn't blaring out of the garage filled with bad ass motorcycles. The boat wasn't there anymore. In other words, he was gone. I remember I lost contact with him for 3 months. He bought a sail boat and was traveling the world until it sunk and he had to buy a plane ticket home. lol. God I miss him. My dumb ass left him for Chris a month after he came home. I guess Marcelo and I would have never really worked out. I mean, he still wore JNCO's for crying out loud. But damn they looked hot wrapped around that tight Brazilian ass of his. Hmmm... I digress.

No I don't. I felt fearless with Marcelo, but he scared the shit out of me. He invited me to go out to the everglades with him and I accepted, but I left the GPS on in my cellphone which I pinned into my bra, gave all his information to my Bestie and left a note at home with his full name, address, telephone number, myspace page, I mean everything. Why? Because he was an Atheist. I know, sounds silly. But there was just something about him. He was a vegetarian who had so much respect for animal life and the environment but such contempt for human life for destroying everything that I really felt that he could take a human life and not feel remorseful for it. Not that I ever gave him reason to want to hurt me. Until I left.

   But we went out that night, watched the full moon rise into the black and purple sky. The moon was blood red. I remember Marcelo telling me that what we were watching was the only place in the world something like that took place. The moon was red because of the sand storms in the Sahara desert kicked up the sand so much that we were actually watching the full moon rise through the sand clouds in another hemisphere. That's why the moon was red. Sure enough the moon paled out as it rose and we laid there watching stars chase each other and talked about our universe. It was poetically romantic feeling so small together feeling the earth spin under our mortal bodies... That was the best summer.

   But in spite of having been so close to the right one, I'm not too bitter. If anything, I'm a bit more hopeful. I know he's out there. Staring in awe at the starry sky above him and the moral law with in him. And he'll know exactly the reference I'm making with that statement too. lol.

   I feel foolish about leaving out the one man that has plagued my dreams for months now. Soon he'll be back in Miami and maybe things will be different between us. For some reason he pops up in my dreams at least once a month, but more often usually. Maybe I'm just being a little too idealistic.

  I'm just trying to make my way in this crazy world. Trying to do the best for my son and I.  And not hurt anyone in the process. . . just goin with the flow.

Halloween 2011...so far :)

It's been a while my friends, welcome back to my Mommy Blog :)

So now I'm officially a single Mom. Great. I never wanted this, I don't think any adult really does. I am thankful however that Chris and I have been able to finally stand each other long enough to be a team for C.J.

C.J's doing well. He's sitting on his own and playing on his own. His favorite toys are telephones and Mommy's laptop. He particularly likes to Skype with Mommy's friends. He doesn't talk much and he isn't crawling. But he will stand up on his own and try to take a few steps. He misses me when I leave and treats everything like a drum that needs a good beating. He still refuses to feed himself, although I've seen him do it on multiple occasions. Did I mention, he is cuter than cute can be. No, seriously, I mean I know I'm Mommy and all... but C.J is SO DAMN HANDSOME! He gets it from his Mama ;)

I've dated some fine young fellows since Chris. Most of them can't handle that I have a kid. I mean, not for nothing, but not many people in their late 20's early 30's don't have children? Good luck bastardos. The latest one really took the cake. He fed me all this bullshit about how much he loved me and wanted to make a great life for me and blah blah blah only to find out he couldn't handle that there is another man in my life. No, not C.J... Chris. SERIOUSLY?! Apparently his son's mother and him hate each other like poison and he didn't see how Chris and I could have such a "good relationship" and that we must still love each other. He didn't understand how we planned things for the three of us to do as a family. I'm sorry, but if going to public places with my baby daddy and son make you uneasy or insecure... I don't want to be with your dumb ass.

Chris and I won't ever work out as a couple, but he put it best "You don't need a family, you already have a family. My son, me, my family ... we are your family. What you need and want is a relationship." I hate it when that fucker makes sense.

So I guess this is it. The storm, for the most part, has passed.

It's Halloween time! YAY! I decorated the door and Mom n I carved pumpkins. Chris and I took C.J to the pumpkin patch n took pictures. Today Mom, C.J and I are going to the zoo for their Halloween deal then to the block party tonight. Then on Halloween Daddy and I are taking CJ to  Gulfstream and where ever to go trick or treating. I'll post some pictures after all is said and done.


What are you doing for Halloween?

hmmm

As the Fool leaves the garden of the Sun, he feels that he is near the end of his journey, ready to take a final step. But something is keeping him from doing this, holding him back. He gazes up, hoping to find guidance from the Sun; instead he sees above him a fiery angel, beautiful and terrible.
"You are right," the Angelic figure confirms, "you have only one last step on your journey, one final step to completion. But you cannot take that step until you lay your past to rest."
The Fool is perturbed. "Lay it to rest? I thought I'd left it behind, all of it!"
"There is no way to leave the past behind," The Angel observes. "Each step wears down the shoe just a bit, and so shapes the next step you take, and the next and the next. Your past is always under your feet. You cannot hide from it, run from it, or rid yourself of it. But you can call it up, and come to terms with it. Are you willing to do that?"
The Angel hands the Fool a small trumpet. The Fool is hesitant, but he knows that the Angel is right. There are certain memories he has a hard time looking back on as they make him feel guilty, ashamed, angry. He knows that he's never come to terms with what happened and he must if he wants to make that final transition.
He blows the trumpet and it cracks open the Earth. From under the Fool's feet, the spirits of his past selves rise up, including those less than admirable past selves that he's tried to forget.
For the first time, he faces them. They are, he sees, nothing to fear. They were him once-upon-a-time, but not now. Even as he realizes this, he finds himself forgiving those past selves for the wrongs they did that left him feeling bad. He senses, in turn, that they forgive him for ignoring the lessons they had to teach him. As he reaches an understanding with them, they start to rise up and float away, vanishing into the sky. Though they remain as experiences and memories, they no longer have any power over him. He is free of ill-feelings, reborn, and living in the present.

Sometimes....

I just want to pack a bag for my son and myself and just GO. Run away from all the SHIT eating ass fucks who make my blood boil. Pretending like they are on MY side. I know better. Just sometimes I can't keep my mouth shut... but soon they won't hear me say a thing... soon.

Let it go. Breathe. Move on.

The time has come for me to get and save my life. No more bullshit. No more waiting for my retard in tin foil to turn into a knight in shining armor. I'm tired of shit hitting the fan for no reason other than anger and hatred and jealousy. This is exhausting already. I don't want to feed into the anger anymore. I can't say the same for him, but again, I guess I never really could.

I'm just so very glad of the support system I have. And the guys in my life that make me understand how to live accordingly.

My Mother, she's amazing. No matter what kind of shit I put her through, she's always there for me to support me in all of my decisions. And dammit, she was right... AGAIN!

Ketty, GG, Taby and Janet.... they help me with CJ so much and they have so much love and adoration for him it's unbelievable.

Then there is Tony and Alana and my crew. They have always had my back... in their own ways. No matter what, even if it was to remind me that I'm better than this shit.

My platonic guy friends make it easier too. I choose to refer them by their initials because even though this is my blog, it's still on the web and considering the jealousy level is definitely at a code orange on the terrorism scale, I think it's best. PO makes me feel amazing all the time. Almost everyday he sends me some sort of empowering text or FB message. Whether it be a great quote or just to tell me that I'm amazing and beautiful. Everyone can learn something from him. Then there is PG who is going through a similar situation with his daughter's mother. He's so easy to talk to and is a great resource. He comes over after CJ is asleep some nights with a six pack and an ear and just listens to my shit. Then I listen to his then he goes home. No pressure, no sex. I guess just having someone who understands and is willing to be there for you is so invaluable. I am, however, really attracted to him. But with the two of us in no situation to be intimate with anyone, less each other, I trust that we will stay platonic for a while. R is cool too, he definitely makes me feel pretty and is fun to flirt with, but that will go nowhere. He put his hands on his son's mother, and although I appreciate his honesty, I wont be having that shit! D is a childless college graduate who thinks the moon was carved for my eyes alone. He works a lot (2 jobs) and hardly has time for anything, much less anyone else in his life, but the occasional lunch lifts my spirits. He is super attractive and his smile melts away everything.

It's amazing how everything has it's place in your world. Everyone plays a part in molding who you are and how you live your life.  But I still need the control. I need to be able to say FUCK THIS and move on with making the least amount of ripples. I need to get over my penchant for the dramatic and grow up. Woof. That was hard to type.

...

My capacity as a Mother.

Today was one of those days that tested my patience and capability as MOM.  I accomplished so much today and I'm not exhausted as I am proud of myself. I woke up this morning, showered, got CJ ready and took him to his Dad's then went to school. Took two tests: scored a 99% on one and a 95% on the other then had lunch with Alana. I then went home and spent damn near 3 hours on the phone with Medicaid and Molina Heath Care and about 15 pediatricians from all over Miami, but I finally got a free check up and free shots for CJ.  I then packed my WIC checks, my food stamps and an ass load of coupons and went grocery shopping. I got almost $400 in groceries for $35 including some beautiful flowers to brighten up the house a little bit. Then I picked up CJ, made some soup and CJ's bananas and we ate together for the first time. Then he helped me clean up, I bathed him and put him down to bed. He's such a good boy. Once I'm done with this blog, I'll be doing homework, the dishes and bathing. And FINALLY going to bed.

Today was a good day. But not as good as last night....

I had my first sex dream without Chris in it. And it was WAY hot :) As long as my subconscious keeps it up, I think I'll be A-O-K. lol

Stress.

Stress. It's such a shitty thing man.

I feel like my whole body is just about to fall apart. I'm exhausted and worn out. I feel like anyday now I'm just going to SNAP.

Dealing with stress has never really been my forte. I guess I never really had to deal with as much stress as I'm experiencing now. I know there are constructive ways of dealing with stress, I just don't implement them at all. But now my psoriasis has flared up to debilitating proportions, I have this strange constant vibration in my right foot, nightly migraines, I've been eating WAY too much, snapping at people for no reason and I'm seriously about to go ape shit soon... not to mention all the nightmares with HIM in them. (((side note: I took a decent look at him when I was leaving his house after picking up CJ and it looks like he's wasting away. Totally NOT even attracted to him anymore... and surprisingly, it made me sad.)))

I know that deep breathing is a good stress releaver... I just have to remember to do it. I think I will write the word BREATHE on my wrist... just as a reminder.

I know exercise is too and I really want to join a gym again, but I really don't have the funds for that. I think I will implement my nightly walks with CJ on a more regular basis.

I know that one day I'll be able to look back upon this time in my life and see how I grew from it. That thought is sometimes the only thing that really gets me through all the crap.  Until then I guess I'll be huffin n puffin and jazz-ersizing my ass off

Let's get real.

Tonight, while I was doing laundry and washing some dishes, CJ decided he couldn't wait for his bath to pass out. Trust me, I'm not complaining. The news was bombarding my living room with the tales of robberies and murders... I'm sorry, but I have no time or space in my living room for that crap, so the TV was promptly nixed. As CJ sways in his swing, I kicked my feet up and started reading an article in March's issue of SELF magazine; "Get Real. Authenticity is key to happy, healthy, more meaningful existence, research shows. And yet, what sounds easy-Just be yourself!- can be surprisingly hard to do. Find out how to be your truest self and love your life more every day."

I have felt so lost lately and as I read the article it was like the author knew I would pick up that magazine on this night. It goes through a step by step process of coming to an understanding of who you are, what your values are and how to not be afraid to let your actions reflect your values. ((almost reminds me of that segment, "when keepin it real goes wrong...lol.))The author, Marjorie Ingall, encouraged the reader to grab a pen and paper and jot down thoughts and responses to the steps she gives. If you think about it, it's so hard to march to the beat of your own drummer. We, as women, are taught that we need to couple up and have kids in order to have a fulfilling life, that we need to be concerned about fitting in than to be authentic to our own rhythms. So, naturally, I grabbed my laptop and here we go:

Four keys to living authentically....
1) An awareness of what makes you tick.
What makes me tick:
   a)I'd rather be living in a clean artful home
   b)I'd rather have a basic knowledge of something before it's sprung into my lap.
   c)I hate incompetence, poor customer service and poor communication.
   d)I prefer structure in my day to day life, but still enjoy the fun spontaneity can offer
   e)I hate infidelity.
   f)I prefer a close circle of great friends than a broad circle of acquaintances.
2)The ability to gauge your weaknesses.
My weak points:
   a) I'm always late and stressed
   b)I have a tendency to stretch the truth when telling a story
   c)I often confuse my dreams with reality
   d)I am as lazy as I am a hard worker
   e)I spend entirely way too much money, that I don't have, on things I really don't need to impress people I don't even much like.
   f)I am messy
   g) my expectations of how others need to act and treat me are often unrealistic
3)A willingness to act in accordance to your values.
   I often act against my values in order to mesh with someone else in a relationship. That obviously hasn't gotten me anywhere. I then get so fed up (as per my last 3 relationships) that I finally leave after flip flopping the issue and weighing circumstances to be more important than my life and values. I also hate rejection and hate that I know I am hurting someone else. I don't do this with friends or family however... hmm.
4)Honest and sincere relationships.
I have no problem with honest disclosure to people I have personal relationships with. More often than not, that's what get's me in trouble and therefore eventually shuts me down. Fuck them. lol

Pinpoint what matters to you!
-What makes you happiest? Playing with my son, painting/drawing, great conversation over cocktails or coffee, cuddling up with someone who really loves me, looking great, my hair, being rewarded for my hard work, volunteering in my community, helping a friend, coming home to my family, not getting those antagonizing phone calls from bill collectors, midnight margaritas or "fuckitall" fridays, being in nature, peace and quiet, a good book, living in a clean home.
-Next, consider what upsets you most. Being disconnected, lies, being disappointed in other peoples behavior, shitty friends, child abuse, injustice, homeless/hungry children, racism, egos, shitty sense of humor, people not exercising their ability to help others, selfishness, crimes against women.
-What are your deepest fears?Disappointing my son and settling for less than what I deserve.
-What gifts do you want to share?I love making people feel beautiful, I'm a great writer, I enjoy volunteering and impacting my community in a positive way, I'm a great Mom.

Know your weaknesses.
-A time you ignored your gut. The moment I met Chris, I knew I should've walked away. But, I did get my amazing boy out of the whole deal.
-A time you tried to whitewash one of your flaws. Whenever a relationship ends on terms other than my own, I flip out, go a little crazy and always blame the other party for my heartache. ie: "I was fine until he said/did ...xyz... so I had to key his car/stalk his ass/not let him get away with it." Deep down I know I did my fair share of dirt to ruin the relationship, but it's not over until I say it is..otherwise I'm making your life a living hell...<---lol my warning label :)
-A time you blamed someone else for your mistake. I think I'm pretty good at fessing up what I mess up. However, I do make excuse from other peoples actions to validate my reactions, as in the example above. "well, if she just minded her own business, I wouldn't have had to put her out on front street" etc etc. 

Align your values and actions.
-Think of a time you didn't act in concert with your values. I could think of a hundred times in my relationship with Chris alone.
-Reflect on the possible consequences if you had acted differently. Chances are, I would have bared my pregnancy alone, I would have left him when I read a letter sent to him from another girl, but by that time I was already pregnant. I probably would have moved away and never have told him of his son. There was countless times I should have left him...

Dare to reveal your true self.
-Consider whether or not you express your true emotions. I honestly think that I do. When I'm jealous, I state it... when I'm sad I cry openly. I don't shut down and I sure as hell don't stay quiet. I do however think that I use the wrong outlets for my frustration and anger , ahem.. facebook...I need to develop that maturity to choose the time and place to discuss my feelings with those who have impacted me to the point of negative emotion. Then I have my blog... I know I can vent on here and if anyone has an issue with it, it breaks down very easily. You chose to come here and read what I have to say, you can also choose to never come back.

Authentic living is something I truly want to strive for. Something to think about while I decide on what to give up on friday.

So much Drama....

Wow, I really haven't posted in a long while. My life had dramatically changed since the last time I posted. I kinda wish that my biggest problems were still my wipes warmer turning my wipes brown. But alas, I'm back to work, albeit, only on the weekends... but that's about all I can really take of it. I go to school now monday - friday and Chris, my son's father, takes care of my son (mostly) while I'm in school.

Oh, and I have officially gone nuts.
I have decided to vent rage and ramble in this entry so if it doesn't make sense, it really shouldn't, nor should it matter to much of anyone other than me. I just need to write, get it out, move on and, of course, have it documented so one day when I'm happy, I can remember how I felt today and see how far I've gone.

I feel so cheated by him. He promised me everything and although, in the back of my head I knew it was all bullshit, I still believed him and gave him a son. And now I lash out and act really immaturely. I text him about how he ruined me and about the hatred I harbor for him. Why? Because I get no real free time. Granted I like school and I appreciate work, but my life isn't like his. He has to be responsible for 7.5 hours a day, 5 days a week, most of which CJ is napping through so the cumulative hours of weekly responsibility really aren't much. He then borrows someone else's motorcycle and rides off to god knows (or cares) where and does whatever the fuck he wants. It's not fucking fair. My life consists of my son,work, school, perfecting my craft, sleeping and eating. That's it. I had a guy ask me the other day what were my hobbies... are you FUCKING KIDDING ME! And this was coming from a guy who's also a Dad. Idiot.

And it's not like I hate my life I really don't. I live in a beautiful home, I have a great support system, I have a blast at school, I'm really great at my job... I could stand to make more money, but I mean common, who couldn't? My son is awesome, my friends are amazing... granted I'm not exactly where I want to be... but most of that comes from this HATRED I have for my son's father.

So back to why I hate him. It's not just his lack of responsibility either... because the lackey morons around him enable it too... but that's a whole other blog entry. I just feel so disappointed, let down, fooled, lied to, manipulated, abused, fucked over! And the worse part is... I can't just erase him from my life. We have a baby. FUCKING LAME. Don't give me that "oh but you love your son and he's so amazing" crap. Duh. I know this. Doesn't change the fact that I hate his father.

It's shit like this that makes me feel like "love" and "sex" and their interconnections are the root of all that is wrong with the human psyche. I feel heartless and asexual. Fuck love.

My hatred started brewing the night Chris and I went to the auto show and I found out he was sending pictures to and from some skank (who has her own family mind you and acted like my friend) that were wholly inappropriate in EVERY way. Then the shit kept piling on and I kept taking it. Until finally I can't. And I finally leave him.

But now every time I drop off my boy I am reminded of the family that was built on lies. About the promises he made me and how he just told me what I wanted to hear. If I had left him when I first had the inclination to, I would have had 11 phat-free months... granted single and pregnant wouldn't exactly have been amazing... but I could've always said it wasn't his. That's what is so fucked up. I just can't get him out of my life. At least now CJ is starting to look more like me... thank god.

I also feel like he never has to really pay for his actions... he's always in and out of jail (red flag much)and he just doesn't care about anyone but himself. He constantly manipulates to get what he wants with no regard for other people.

And he'll probably be just like his father... a complete dick to women, leaving a trail of children behind until finally one day he just snaps the fuck out of it, grows up and commits. The sad part? I won't ever be her, even though he promised. Asshole. Let's hope it's not genetic and CJ stays awesome.

Whew. FUCK IT! It's over. He can be someone else's problem now. I just get a little crazy when I think about the life I thought we were going to have and the life I ended up with. Hopefully the two of them get crotch rot and die a humiliating death. Like Elvis or Mama Cas.

Wow, I already feel so much better. I just really need an outlet.

I need to really commit to more productive behaviors.
I brought back my facebook, because I really need to network with work and school... otherwise I won't get very far... but I did delete and block an ass load of people. :) That block button makes me happy. Mostly HIS friends and family... a lot of whom I will miss, but I can't risk them running off to him about every little thing I do. Not like I do anything particularly racy, just dont wanna antagonize the sleeping lion, ya dig? I need to keep my FB for what it was meant for... networking.

My blog will still continue being the mud slinging, venting and all around awesomeness that is Liz's blogs. Man I wish I still had access to the one I had on myspace... That was EPIC! (*wink at Alana*)

I need to keep my bonding time with CJ totally sacred. No phone, no TV, no internet... just me and my boy.

I need to commit to doing at least 30-60 minutes of homework a night after CJ goes to sleep, even if it's just reading or youtube tutorials.

I need to commit to a healthy life style including exercise daily. Even though Chris took away my exercise vids... I still have an amazing neighborhood to walk or jog in. I need to also make appointments with my eye doctor, dentist and a family therapist. Health isn't just about losing weight and looking hot... it's about your body's optimal performance and getting there the right way.

I am hereby making myself the promise that when I start getting too deep into my head and heart I will not reach for my phone but to turn it off and instead, do something awesome for my life. After all, the best revenge is a life successfully lived.

Things this New Mother can and can't live without!!!!!!

Useless:
-Wipes warmer. I guess if you do have the space, go for it... but generally they just take up space and turn your wipes brown :/
-Moby Wraps. Not for smaller or newborn babies and too much assembly required for each use

Useful:
-Bottle warmer!! Especially one that automatically turns off when your bottle is ready.
-Sling... no doubt the one item that saved my sanity. Keeps baby close and your hands free to take care of things around the house.
-Hand Sanitizer. keep a bottle in every place you may change the diaper or entertain or feed your baby.
-Lots of Blankets!!!! Warm ones for cold nights, receiving blankets for well... everything. Stay away from hand knitted blankets where the stitch is too open... little fingers and toes can get caught in an open weave and cause a 3 am screamfest you can do without.
-Something that cradles, swings and entertains your baby. We lucked out and have two swings and a mobile for CJ which have proven to be invaluable. He has a Fisher Price under water themed swing that has wave noises that soothe mom too :)
-Bottle and nipple sterilizer... if you're strictly breast feeding then I guess not... but you will give up... eventually. lol
-COMPRESSION!!!!!! A Compression belt other than the horridly itchy one they give you in the hospital. I recommend a Belly Bandit, I'm soon going to invest in a Mother Tucker too. :) Compression socks for postpartum leg swelling is a must.
-Cortisone creme. Your skin will itch after you get the good drugs for delivery... like hell. But If you're anything like me, my belly skin itches as everything is going back to normal ( i gained 72 lbs during pregnancy, but no stretch marks THANK GODDESS!) The Cortisone creme helps me not tear my skin off, but eventually I got a prescription itch creme when I developed PUPPP. Benedryl helps some moms and is safe when you're breast feeding, but it didn't do shit for me. LOL.
-Calcium! Especially if you're breast feeding. I get mine with milk and cheese but I guess you can supplement too... ask your OB first tho. I know when I'm getting drained when my teeth hurt. Listen to your body ladies!
-Mommy's Happy Place. It's okay to lock yourself in the closet for 15 minutes to decompress, just remember, if there's no fever your baby is fine... you just have to figure out what they need and the only way to do that is to stay calm.

Superman's trying to escape the phone booth early.

So after some suffering with swelling and constantly being hot we finally get to see my doctor last friday. Turns out my blood pressure was 160/100 and my OB flipped out. I was immediately checked into Mt.Sinai's Labor and Delivery department and given my own room in the corner, away from all the drama and craziness that wing has a tendency to be. My BP didn't get down to a normal range for 2 days. I was released on Sunday afternoon. While I was there they ran blood tests on me every day (3 total) and made me do a 24 hour urine collection, which was slightly gross. They also yelled at me a lot for not drinking enough water... and now, at home, I get a bottle of water shoved in my face at every free moment. At some point friday evening, my attending doctor tells me and Phatty that if my BP doesn't calm down, they will have to be forced to deliver CJ early. So sunday afternoon Phatty buys me a philly cheesesteak sandwich from Jimmy's and we go home to relax for the rest of the day. Monday morning we have another OB visit.

Slightly prepared to have to stay in the hospital again, we reluctantly go into the OB office 10 minutes late. I give my pee and wait for my vitals to be taken... shocking ... 158/100. I'm immediately rushed in a room and made to lie on my left side for 15 minutes, or nearly to the point where I thought I was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. Apparently laying all the way flat is never the way to go when you're 9 months pregnant. They take my BP again 145/90 much better. Then my doc comes running in from just delivering a baby next door... crazy. She tells me that she's not happy at all with my BP numbers and guess what? I'm goin back into Labor and Delivery, but just for testing thank god. She also tells me that she's putting me on blood pressure medication, and that she'd be surprised if I make it past the weekend, but she will definitely deliver me at 37 weeks. That's in a week and 2 days!! The look on Phatty's face was priceless.

So we go over to LnD and I sit in triage and send Phatty off to get some fresh air. After giving more pee and blood I'm hooked up to a baby monitor and they take my BP at least 10 times in the hour and a half I'm there.... luckily for me, my BP dropped dramatically so I wasn't going to be admitted.  I then head over to get an ultrasound. My Dr tells me that I will be seeing her 2xs a week and getting an ultrasound once a week... thank GOD I got insurance when I did!!! I called Phatty and he met me half way there. We go in to see our little man, for the second time in 4 days. He measures at 38 weeks! Thats 3 weeks further than what I am! And he weighs in at just under 7 pounds. We see his heart pumping, all four chambers working perfectly and his little lungs filling up completely and he's breathing normally. A good sign according to the tech. Then we see his beautiful little face. His perfect little nose and big pouty lips, he is just beautiful. The tech leaves the room because I have to disrobe so he can get my cervix measurements and I look over at Phatty just to see his eyes well up. It hit him. Finally. "Aw, baby come here." I open my ams to him and like a little boy he shook his head no and looked down... "COME HERE NOW" and he leaned into my arms and held me the tightest he's ever held me and just cried. It was beautiful. Well I mean common.. we made one hell of a cute baby, chubby cheeks and all. I don't blame him one bit. We walked back to LnD through the winding hallways just a little bit closer to each other, just a little more like parents. I was released shortly after that and I'm being made to do the 24 hour  urine collection thing again. Lame, but at least I get to be at home. My next OB visit is on Thursday, and we are all preparing for my pending admission into LnD.

Phatty washed the car and we will be installing the car seat tomorrow at his friends, Mikey's house. We've been doing laundry all day and I packed my bag for the hospital. Tomorrow I will clean the bathroom, dust and vacuum and get the crib ready. Then we need to go and drop off my urine..lol. Then it's time to sleep until possible d-day Thursday.

So what was that about making plans? Lol. Needless to say, I think the newly acquired skill of being ready for anything will come in handy when I become a Mom :)

34 days and counting...

Can you believe it? In just about 4 weeks, I'll be giving birth to my little man!!! I'm so excited! I was super nervous about it before, but I feel very much at peace with it now. I'm content that my body, and CJ are in complete control over what's going to happen in the next few weeks. I've learned the biggest lesson that I think only being pregnant could've taught me... Letting go. It's still difficult to do every time something unplanned happens, but it's still there.

My belly is ever expanding, long pink lines form a cross over my protruding belly button. My feet haven't been their normal size for well over 5 months now, some flip flops won't even fit me. Cravings are back... mostly for sweets and milk and cuban bread and butter. Losing the baby weight concerns me, but I know I'll get my fabulosity back with eating right and lots of hard work. My hands swell off and on and my knuckles have turned white from the stress on my skin. I don't even wear the promise ring Phatty gave me anymore because the swelling of my hands can come on so suddenly that I've had to soap up my hands in public restrooms to get the ring off so it wouldn't cut off my circulation.  I haven't seen my genitals in quite some time. I'll take a mirror to her every once in a while just to see what's she's up to, and oh boy it ain't pretty. My vagina seems so much bigger  and darker than it was pre- pregnancy, and honestly I feel like it's someone else's vagina. My breasts are ever changing as well. My nipples are getting longer, and much darker. My areola is very dark, almost black and seems to be spreading in little black speckles around the larger center. My breasts are also getting much heavier, although their size really hasn't changed much. And all of this I have absolutely no control over. As someone who has dealt with body issues her whole life, I've had to come to terms that what my body looks like is a direct translation to how I treat it... not so much with pregnancy. It's going to change and there isn't a whole lot you can do about it.

I am grateful that I'm not working right now. Although I could really use the money, I've learned to let that go too. The money will come, the bill collectors will get paid. I'll figure it all out eventually. Right now, it's about being healthy and enjoying these last few weeks of pregnancy. I don't know if I will ever go through this again and it's been such a trial for me already, I refuse to allow anything to muddy up my experience.

Phatty moved in with me in our new room a few weeks ago. Our relationship is SO much better. We still bicker and have fought once since he's been here. But he's being a really good daddy-to-be and he's trying to hustle up some cash and has been helping me out for a change. I feel like we've allowed ourselves to fall in love with each other again. He'll glance over at the crib next to his side of the bed and talk to the invisible CJ that just woke up :) It's really very cute. When CJ is doing his gymnastics, Phatty will press his face up to my mutating belly and talk to CJ, calling him his Little Buddy. I can see the decisions he makes now aren't the same ones he would've made a year ago, they are ones a responsible father-to-be would make. It's just been all about finding a balance.

He is suffering from what has been dubbed the whore/madonna complex. He found my pre-pregnancy body the most beautiful and titillating thing ever, and it's not the changes that are throwing him for a loop, it's what those changes represent. Where I was a woman he could have crazy mind blowing sex with 8 or 9 months ago, I'm a mommy now. I no longer represent that whoredom he loved so much. I am now the giver of life and love. He said it perfectly one night: "what is it about love and lust that confuse you? don't you realize it's not the same thing?" The aforementioned changing vagina doesn't help either. It physically feels different for him and honestly isn't very comfortable for me for us to have conventional intercourse anymore. Although, for most couples; especially how we had been fighting and what we had been fighting over; this would have been the proverbial nail in the coffin, it has opened both our eyes to a world of intimacy and understanding of each other as sexual beings. For me, I didn't want him looking for satisfaction anywhere else, so I made it a point that I will make him feel like a god at least once or twice a day. It started off as a chore since I felt a little left out, it wasn't about my pleasure after all. But after a couple of days seeing how he really responded positively to my new found sensuality, it became a pleasure for me to perform for him. I felt like I was doing the right thing as a wife, a lover and I was reminding him who I am. Not just the mother of his child, but his ever loving wife and his ever slutty lover.lol. And THAT, my friends, gives me more pleasure than you can imagine. I think it makes him feel good too, makes him feel that his contributions to the household have been appreciated. He doesn't necessarily ask too many questions about it, he just enjoys it for what it is and has responded beautifully. Now if I can only get him to wash and wax the car.

2011 promises to be a unpredictable and exciting year for me at worse, so I'm already pretty stoked. I usually post a list of all the thing's I'd like to accomplish in the new year, but in the spirit of letting go... I won't. Not because I don't have goals and aspirations, but I understand that "life happens while you're busy making plans." -Lennon. The sad part is, a lot of people are so stuck in their plans, they don't allow themselves the chance to fully enjoy what it is life is truly showing them. It took me 2nd degree burns, a broken arm,  and the incarceration of the man I love to finally be able to enjoy my pregnancy... 8 months into it...lol! It took all of that to learn, fuck it!!! It's all going to change anyway!!! Enjoy it while it's awesome so you can remember how amazing and beautiful life is when it SUCKS! "Mama, just get it while ya can"-Joplin.