Just die already!

Change is a funny thing. When one decides to undergo a change, they are allowing a part of them to die. Maybe that's why some people are so resistant to change. They can't stand to admit a part of them is old and wrong. Or maybe it's just too comforting and familiar? I need to make so many changes right now. Physically, emotionally, financially... The big three need a total overhaul. If I was serious about it, I would eat only salads and work out everyday until I vomited, let everything just GO and quit my job. But i'm not that crazy... yet.

Today's Affirmative Hyku

Tall strong beautiful
I am like an old oak tree
Roots planted firmly

Questions....

1. In one sentence, who are you? -A fun-loving mom, daughter and friend with an easy laugh and a stern hand
2. Why do you matter?-I'm a dedicated Mommy who has a lot to offer, once given the chance.
3. What is your life motto?-Go BIG or go home
4. What’s something you have that everyone wants?-Love, my son, confidence, happiness.
5. What is missing in your life?-My own home and a partner to share my life with
6. What’s been on your mind most lately? Making money
7. Happiness is a ________? -Virtue
8. What stands between you and happiness? -My son, he's the glue that keeps happiness and I together
9. What do you need most right now? -Need? nothing.
10. What does the child inside you long for? -a play date
11. What is one thing right now that you are totally sure of? -My future is bright and amazing
12. What’s been bothering you lately? -My son's father
13. What are you scared of? -not being there for my son when he needs me.
14. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing? -a lot of really fun stuff!!! stupid fears!
15. What will you never give up on? -my son, true love, myself
16. What do you want to remember forever? -My son right now at 10 months old
17. What makes you feel secure? -My home, my Mom.
18. Which activities make you lose track of time? -Painting, creating, crafting, decorating cakes, makeup, shopping, volunteering, coffee with friends, playing tickle monster with my son.
19. What’s the most difficult decision you’ve ever made? -Leaving my sons father.
20. What’s the best decision you’ve ever made? -Leaving my sons father.
21. What are you most grateful for? -My life, my family, my sense of humor, confidence and love.
22. What is worth the pain? -Childbirth.
23. In order of importance, how would you rank: happiness, money, love, health, fame? -happiness, health, love, money, fame.
24. What is something you’ve always wanted, but don’t yet have? - A home of my own
25. What was the most defining moment in your life during this past year? -Giving birth
26. What’s the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months? -Moving on, not creating the drama.
27. What’s the number one thing you want to achieve in the next five years? -A house and debt free life for my son and I
28. What is the biggest motivator in your life right now? -My son
29. What will you never do? -Compromise my son's well being
30. What’s something you said you’d never do, but have since done?- Sell myself short
31. What’s something new you recently learned about yourself? -I still got it.
32. What do you sometimes pretend to understand that you really do not? -Being a Mom. lol
33. In one sentence, what do you wish for your future self? - To be living my best possible life, constantly learning and striving for success.
34. What worries you most about the future? -The world my son will grow up in.
35. When you look into the past, what do you miss most? -Being carefree.
36. What’s something from the past that you don’t miss at all? -Being dependent on other peoples love and acceptance.
37. What recently reminded you of how fast time flies? -My son walking.
38. What is the biggest challenge you face right now? -Finances and getting my businesses up and running
39. In one word, how would you describe your personality? -Mutable lol
40. What never fails to frustrate you? -Injustice, Inconsideration and Ignorance
41. What are you known for by your friends and family? -Being a lil crazy, but a rock none the less.
42. What’s something most people don’t know about you? -I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
43. What’s a common misconception people have about you? -I'm mean.
44. What’s something a lot of people do that you disagree with? -Deny their path
45. What’s a belief you hold with which many people disagree? -ProLife
46. What’s something that’s harder for you than it is for most people? -Math
47. What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend? -Honesty, Sense of Humor, Genuine
48. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? -FOREVER.
49. When you think of ‘home,’ what, specifically, do you think of? -My future home with CJ
50. What’s the most valuable thing you own? -Happiness
51. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most? -My mom and work
52. What would make you smile right now? -snuggling up with my son.
53. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy? -Play with my son, work or go through that auto-correct website... hilarious.
54. What do you wish did not exist in your life? Jealousy
55. What should you avoid to improve your life? Drama
56. What is something you would hate to go without for a day? Love
57. What’s the biggest lie you once believed was true? That he wanted a family and would never cheat.
58. What’s something bad that happened to you that made you stronger? -the past 3 years
59. What’s something nobody could ever steal from you? -strength
60. What’s something you disliked when you were younger that you truly enjoy today? -celery lol
61. What are you glad you quit? -smoking, toxic relationships, putting up with bullshit.
62. What do you need to spend more time doing? -Tending to myself
63. What are you naturally good at? -Anything creative
64. What have you been counting or keeping track of recently? -Finances
65. What has the little voice inside your head been saying lately? -Fuck them all.
66. What’s something you should always be careful with? -Finances and my mouth.
67. What should always be taken seriously? -Injustice
68. What should never be taken seriously? - Everything else
69. What are three things you can’t get enough of? -My sons giggle, love, money
70. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? -Vigilante
71. What fascinates you? - the starry sky above me and the moral law within me
72. What’s the difference between being alive and truly living? - breathing and taking your breath away
73. What’s something you would do every day if you could? -Create.
74. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? -When I decided to fearlessly do all the things I have ever wanted to do
75. Which is worse, failing or never trying? -never trying
76. What makes you feel incomplete? -betrayal
77. When did you experience a major turning point in your life? -discovery of constant betrayal
78. What or who do you wish you lived closer to? -A Craft store
79. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be? -Shut the fuck up and love.
80. What’s something you know you can count on? -Time
81. What makes you feel comfortable? -Knowing I did a good job
82. What’s something about you that has never changed? -My laugh
83. What will be different about your life in exactly one year? -Everything
84. What mistakes do you make over and over again? -Not following my gut, being afraid to hurt peoples feelings.
85. What do you have a hard time saying “no” to? -People I respect
86. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? -A little of both, just not sure what I believe in anymore.
87. What’s something that used to scare you, but no longer does? -My sons father
88. What promise to yourself do you still need to fulfill? -A home
89. What do you appreciate most about your current situation? -Everyones help
90. What’s something simple that makes you smile? -My sons smile
91. So far, what has been the primary focus of your life? -Money and Love
92. How do you know when it’s time to move on? -When it hurts to stay
93. What’s something you wish you could do one more time? -Marcelo ...lol ;)
94. When you’re 90-years-old, what will matter to you the most? -My family
95. What would you regret not fully doing, being, or having in your life? Going Big.

Peripity's sister...serendipity.

I was having a horrible nightmare about my sons father (yet again) that got me so angry. My son tapped me on his shoulder in his sleep and I jumped up and haven't been able to relax enough to go back to sleep. I grab some pineapple chunks and start heating up some milk for some hot cocoa and decide to watch my FB feed for a while... then there it was...

My girlfriend, Danielle Hartless, reposted a link from her friends feed that was just perfect: "30 things to stop doing to yourself." Here's an excerpt:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Heres the link if you'd like to explore their blog (awesome stuff): http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

I felt the need to keep this somewhere where I will always have it, just in case I need a reminder.

Today was definitely one of those days where the power of the universe and karma was very evident. I have never been a more faithful believer of the transfer of energies than I am today. Now if you will excuse me, I have a date with Google and a cup of hot cocoa.

Goals

The new year is almost upon us, and like any normal human being, I'm thinking of my goals.

I really wanted to run the img marathon this year, but my endurance is shot and my back pain has only gotten worse. To be frank with you, it's because I didn't train as hard as I needed to. I'm really disappointed in myself. I can run a 9 minute mile, and maybe only do about 3 miles before I feel like passing out and vomiting. No bueno. So I will take this year to really train. I mean being able to run the marathon before my son turns 1 was indeed a lofty goal. But I can proudly say I have lost 61 lbs to date. Which, is pretty damn good., and there will always be 2013... lol. God seems like a life time away doesn't it?

I'm finally getting back to the way I used to eat and exercise BC (before chris) and I like it. I need to get rid of all this old baggage and bullshit I accumulated in that god forsaken relationship and move on. Maybe not like I was before, because I'm better and faster and smarter and well, a MOM now. But I do need to move on.  I accomplished a lot this year and I am so proud of myself. I gave birth to a beautiful, smart, happy little boy, finished school, started two businesses and continued to work part time while being a Mom. I never in a million years thought I would actually be proud of myself like I am right now.

So what can I do to make 2012 better??
Health:
Well assuming that the 14 lbs I want to lose by the new year do come off, I'd like to lose another 50-60 lbs. I'd like to maintain my diet and exercise more often and at a higher intensity. If my training goes well the next few weeks I may just enter the img half marathon. We'll see... no pressure. But I will for sure enter the 2013 IMG marathon. I'll reward myself every 10 lbs I lose by allowing myself to purchase a new outfit. Every 20 lbs I will reward myself with a new tattoo or new shoes :) yea I like that !!!! When I reach my 60lb mark I will give myself a vacation where I can wear nothing but a bikini all day and night long :) lol YES! I will also be diligent about getting my health insurance back on track and maintaining my yearly OB, PCP, optometry and dermatology visits and my dentist appointments every 6 months. I will also maintain a pedicure and manicure 2 times a week on my own and once a month at a salon or spa. I will also get a massage or acupuncture treatment and a facial once every two months. I need to start treating myself right so I can be the best I can be!

Home
I will have a solid savings for a new home for me and CJ, even if we're not moved in by the end of the year, I'd like to seriously be looking for a home and move in for my 30th birthday in 2013. The home will be on a little bit of land so I can grow food and flowers and have plenty of room for CJ to grow. I will also dedicate one hour a night every night to cleaning the house and getting organized. I will cook dinner at least 3 times a week and wean CJ off of bottled processed baby foods and onto wholesome real food.

Work
I will work towards a promotion at Hard Rock and save money to build up my two companies. I will complete a solid business plan for a bakery and salon and start looking for investors by the end of the year. I will keep a detailed calender with time dedicated to all my ventures. I will also open up official websites for my companies.

Life:
I will spend as much time as humanly possible with CJ. I will spend one on one time with at least one friend a week. I will volunteer once a month in my community. I will start to draw and paint again, and create as much as I can. I will take time to be grateful for at least one thing in my life everyday. And I will not allow any BD drama into my life.


2012 will be the end of life as I know it and the beginning of Life as I Deserve It! 

Sometimes the end begins with you...

"If something persists, it contains a hidden truth." A good friend told me this once and it has always kinda stuck with me. It kind of became a way to change my paradigm when i felt like I was bashing my head against a wall.

So now I'm in a situation with my sons father, yet again, where we are fighting and I feel extreme hatred and anger towards him. So what do I do? It seems like every way I try to deal with this situation end up being for not, because the drama will always be there.

Then it dawned on me. What if I'm causing this? It makes sense, I feel so jealous that he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants. He has no responsibility and his family is always covering his ass. There was a point where I was always covering his ass too,  until I realized that he won't do the same for me. He's doing the same thing to his new girlfriend that he did to me and it makes me hate him more. He still is using the same lines and "reading the same book" if you will, instead of growing up and being a father. But someone very close to me said it best... "so what has changed?" Not a god damned thing. That's what. And he won't. He'll still make plans, then over sleep or get too fucked up to follow through with them. He'll still call hours before our scheduled pick up time for me to get my son. He'll still party all weekend instead of taking care of his arrunds and have no time for my son. He'll still spend his money on stupid shit and partying instead of contributing to the care of my son. Nothing has changed. At all. So why am I beating a dead horse? I keep saying I'm done, and yet we still fight about the same shit.

So it will be simply this: I deserve no contact with my sons father. I will not call him or send him pictures of CJ. If he feels he has the time to contact me to spend time with CJ, then I will accommodate his request. But I will no longer feel the need to antagonize him about being a father. That's it. It is what it is.

Just Let Go.

What I deserve...

... the ability to provide my own safe, clean, loving home for my son
... the ability to make good money doing something I love
... the normal luxuries of American life
... a man who isn't going to be concerned about my FB relationship status
... a man who understands that yes, I'm a mother, but I am also a woman
... to be appreciated for my talents
... to be organized and clean and free of mental and physical clutter
... to be paid what I'm worth
... a man who isn't going to even hint at having unprotected sex with me
... to have the financial security to be able to have a plan B
... to make my dreams come true
... a man who loves and appreciates me for me and can look beyond the complications of my life's bad decisions
...to be an amazing Mother, Daughter, Wife and Friend
...to live my life according to my rules and not how others' think I should
...to be treated as an equal in a relationship
...to be able to give back to my mother
...to be drama free
... peace in my life and in my son's life
...to grow old surrounded by love
...to not be haunted by my former self
...to be forgiven
... what do you deserve?...

You know you're a "Mom" when... (infant edition)

...you take an honest look at your wardrobe and think... "hmm... I need more yoga pants."
...after any given meal, you have more food in your hair than on the baby's face, bib and highchair table combined.
...you wish you were pregnant again, just for the excuse to take a nap and to get out of house work.
...your kid's first Holiday Season is suddenly the most important thing in the world. I mean fuck world hunger!!! I need an ornament that holds pictures and one that says "baby's first christmas" and oh oh oh, so what if I don't sleep, I have to sew his first stocking and make his first wreath!" o_0
...the wet spot on your bed is actually just milk or juice or drool from a teething baby.
...you can finally see your toes again. OH GAWD! YOU CAN FINALLY SEE YOUR TOES AGAIN!!!
...while basking in the joy of finally getting your baby to fall asleep, any movement from said child that may lead to him waking up makes you drop to the floor and send you via army crawl out the door.
...you think about going back to school as a vacation.
...you click on the family tab instead of the nightlife tab on the New Times upcoming event list
...you then pour yourself a glass of wine, click on the nightlife tab and have a stroll down memory lane.
...you think mothers should be given a Metal of honor for making it past the first three months.
...you can simultaneously get ready for work, put your baby back to bed, do laundry and dishes, ice a cake and write a half assed blog at 6 am. (then later realize you forgot to brush your teeth and there's a good chance your thong is on backwards.)
...you think about all the feats you have accomplished before... and realize that this is the most rewarding.
...you know what true love really is.