Monday, May 30, 2011

Let it go. Breathe. Move on.

The time has come for me to get and save my life. No more bullshit. No more waiting for my retard in tin foil to turn into a knight in shining armor. I'm tired of shit hitting the fan for no reason other than anger and hatred and jealousy. This is exhausting already. I don't want to feed into the anger anymore. I can't say the same for him, but again, I guess I never really could.

I'm just so very glad of the support system I have. And the guys in my life that make me understand how to live accordingly.

My Mother, she's amazing. No matter what kind of shit I put her through, she's always there for me to support me in all of my decisions. And dammit, she was right... AGAIN!

Ketty, GG, Taby and Janet.... they help me with CJ so much and they have so much love and adoration for him it's unbelievable.

Then there is Tony and Alana and my crew. They have always had my back... in their own ways. No matter what, even if it was to remind me that I'm better than this shit.

My platonic guy friends make it easier too. I choose to refer them by their initials because even though this is my blog, it's still on the web and considering the jealousy level is definitely at a code orange on the terrorism scale, I think it's best. PO makes me feel amazing all the time. Almost everyday he sends me some sort of empowering text or FB message. Whether it be a great quote or just to tell me that I'm amazing and beautiful. Everyone can learn something from him. Then there is PG who is going through a similar situation with his daughter's mother. He's so easy to talk to and is a great resource. He comes over after CJ is asleep some nights with a six pack and an ear and just listens to my shit. Then I listen to his then he goes home. No pressure, no sex. I guess just having someone who understands and is willing to be there for you is so invaluable. I am, however, really attracted to him. But with the two of us in no situation to be intimate with anyone, less each other, I trust that we will stay platonic for a while. R is cool too, he definitely makes me feel pretty and is fun to flirt with, but that will go nowhere. He put his hands on his son's mother, and although I appreciate his honesty, I wont be having that shit! D is a childless college graduate who thinks the moon was carved for my eyes alone. He works a lot (2 jobs) and hardly has time for anything, much less anyone else in his life, but the occasional lunch lifts my spirits. He is super attractive and his smile melts away everything.

It's amazing how everything has it's place in your world. Everyone plays a part in molding who you are and how you live your life.  But I still need the control. I need to be able to say FUCK THIS and move on with making the least amount of ripples. I need to get over my penchant for the dramatic and grow up. Woof. That was hard to type.


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