Tuesday, May 17, 2011

So much Drama....

Wow, I really haven't posted in a long while. My life had dramatically changed since the last time I posted. I kinda wish that my biggest problems were still my wipes warmer turning my wipes brown. But alas, I'm back to work, albeit, only on the weekends... but that's about all I can really take of it. I go to school now monday - friday and Chris, my son's father, takes care of my son (mostly) while I'm in school.

Oh, and I have officially gone nuts.
I have decided to vent rage and ramble in this entry so if it doesn't make sense, it really shouldn't, nor should it matter to much of anyone other than me. I just need to write, get it out, move on and, of course, have it documented so one day when I'm happy, I can remember how I felt today and see how far I've gone.

I feel so cheated by him. He promised me everything and although, in the back of my head I knew it was all bullshit, I still believed him and gave him a son. And now I lash out and act really immaturely. I text him about how he ruined me and about the hatred I harbor for him. Why? Because I get no real free time. Granted I like school and I appreciate work, but my life isn't like his. He has to be responsible for 7.5 hours a day, 5 days a week, most of which CJ is napping through so the cumulative hours of weekly responsibility really aren't much. He then borrows someone else's motorcycle and rides off to god knows (or cares) where and does whatever the fuck he wants. It's not fucking fair. My life consists of my son,work, school, perfecting my craft, sleeping and eating. That's it. I had a guy ask me the other day what were my hobbies... are you FUCKING KIDDING ME! And this was coming from a guy who's also a Dad. Idiot.

And it's not like I hate my life I really don't. I live in a beautiful home, I have a great support system, I have a blast at school, I'm really great at my job... I could stand to make more money, but I mean common, who couldn't? My son is awesome, my friends are amazing... granted I'm not exactly where I want to be... but most of that comes from this HATRED I have for my son's father.

So back to why I hate him. It's not just his lack of responsibility either... because the lackey morons around him enable it too... but that's a whole other blog entry. I just feel so disappointed, let down, fooled, lied to, manipulated, abused, fucked over! And the worse part is... I can't just erase him from my life. We have a baby. FUCKING LAME. Don't give me that "oh but you love your son and he's so amazing" crap. Duh. I know this. Doesn't change the fact that I hate his father.

It's shit like this that makes me feel like "love" and "sex" and their interconnections are the root of all that is wrong with the human psyche. I feel heartless and asexual. Fuck love.

My hatred started brewing the night Chris and I went to the auto show and I found out he was sending pictures to and from some skank (who has her own family mind you and acted like my friend) that were wholly inappropriate in EVERY way. Then the shit kept piling on and I kept taking it. Until finally I can't. And I finally leave him.

But now every time I drop off my boy I am reminded of the family that was built on lies. About the promises he made me and how he just told me what I wanted to hear. If I had left him when I first had the inclination to, I would have had 11 phat-free months... granted single and pregnant wouldn't exactly have been amazing... but I could've always said it wasn't his. That's what is so fucked up. I just can't get him out of my life. At least now CJ is starting to look more like me... thank god.

I also feel like he never has to really pay for his actions... he's always in and out of jail (red flag much)and he just doesn't care about anyone but himself. He constantly manipulates to get what he wants with no regard for other people.

And he'll probably be just like his father... a complete dick to women, leaving a trail of children behind until finally one day he just snaps the fuck out of it, grows up and commits. The sad part? I won't ever be her, even though he promised. Asshole. Let's hope it's not genetic and CJ stays awesome.

Whew. FUCK IT! It's over. He can be someone else's problem now. I just get a little crazy when I think about the life I thought we were going to have and the life I ended up with. Hopefully the two of them get crotch rot and die a humiliating death. Like Elvis or Mama Cas.

Wow, I already feel so much better. I just really need an outlet.

I need to really commit to more productive behaviors.
I brought back my facebook, because I really need to network with work and school... otherwise I won't get very far... but I did delete and block an ass load of people. :) That block button makes me happy. Mostly HIS friends and family... a lot of whom I will miss, but I can't risk them running off to him about every little thing I do. Not like I do anything particularly racy, just dont wanna antagonize the sleeping lion, ya dig? I need to keep my FB for what it was meant for... networking.

My blog will still continue being the mud slinging, venting and all around awesomeness that is Liz's blogs. Man I wish I still had access to the one I had on myspace... That was EPIC! (*wink at Alana*)

I need to keep my bonding time with CJ totally sacred. No phone, no TV, no internet... just me and my boy.

I need to commit to doing at least 30-60 minutes of homework a night after CJ goes to sleep, even if it's just reading or youtube tutorials.

I need to commit to a healthy life style including exercise daily. Even though Chris took away my exercise vids... I still have an amazing neighborhood to walk or jog in. I need to also make appointments with my eye doctor, dentist and a family therapist. Health isn't just about losing weight and looking hot... it's about your body's optimal performance and getting there the right way.

I am hereby making myself the promise that when I start getting too deep into my head and heart I will not reach for my phone but to turn it off and instead, do something awesome for my life. After all, the best revenge is a life successfully lived.

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