Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Sometimes the end begins with you...

"If something persists, it contains a hidden truth." A good friend told me this once and it has always kinda stuck with me. It kind of became a way to change my paradigm when i felt like I was bashing my head against a wall.

So now I'm in a situation with my sons father, yet again, where we are fighting and I feel extreme hatred and anger towards him. So what do I do? It seems like every way I try to deal with this situation end up being for not, because the drama will always be there.

Then it dawned on me. What if I'm causing this? It makes sense, I feel so jealous that he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants. He has no responsibility and his family is always covering his ass. There was a point where I was always covering his ass too,  until I realized that he won't do the same for me. He's doing the same thing to his new girlfriend that he did to me and it makes me hate him more. He still is using the same lines and "reading the same book" if you will, instead of growing up and being a father. But someone very close to me said it best... "so what has changed?" Not a god damned thing. That's what. And he won't. He'll still make plans, then over sleep or get too fucked up to follow through with them. He'll still call hours before our scheduled pick up time for me to get my son. He'll still party all weekend instead of taking care of his arrunds and have no time for my son. He'll still spend his money on stupid shit and partying instead of contributing to the care of my son. Nothing has changed. At all. So why am I beating a dead horse? I keep saying I'm done, and yet we still fight about the same shit.

So it will be simply this: I deserve no contact with my sons father. I will not call him or send him pictures of CJ. If he feels he has the time to contact me to spend time with CJ, then I will accommodate his request. But I will no longer feel the need to antagonize him about being a father. That's it. It is what it is.

Just Let Go.

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