So this past week has been stressful to say the least. I've realized tonight that the presence of my mother makes my blood boil. Literally. My mom did a lot of good for me and still does, but her stress rubs off on me and it's hurting the baby. Last monday I went to the OB and my blood pressure was through the roof and I had a high level of protein in my urine. Could it be, oh I don't know, that my mother just tossed my baby daddy out of the house on his ass? Hm. Maybe. I honestly think she is jealous. Not that my situation is exactly perfect, but its far better than hers was. Or maybe it's some twisted way that she THINKS she's protecting me, when she's only really hurting me. I can't talk to much of anyone about it either. Thats where you come in oh awesome blog :)
Phatty tells me he hasn't spoken to the heffer he was sending and receiving naughty pictures from in a week, since we fought. Good. I hope that Phatty and I can work shit out, although I think I deserve better than just working it out. We talked about getting couples counseling before and he was down with it, so I see that in our very near future. I'm thinking after this room is finished and everything is moved in, we can finally get the ball rolling on healing our relationship.
Tonight was a weird one for me. I had decided that I was going to try to go to bed early because we have an OB appointment first thing tomorrow morning. Then Mom comes home, over tired and stressed out as usual and as soon as she walks in the door a defensive feeling of dread and hate rushes over me. I just want to not be anywhere near her. I rush upstairs and get ready for bed and when I come down, she's cursing because the phone lines aren't working. For some reason I feel like she's going to take it out on me so I immediately tell her I don't use that phone so I don't know how long it's been out. Turns out the whole block is out...go figure. Anyway, I get comfortable ..on the couch.. and try to go to sleep, partially because of my appointment and partially because I just want to avoid all drama with this woman, when Phatty's mom texts me about the carriage we had registered for. I was agitated, not necessarily at her, just at the interruption of everything in me going to bed... but responded anyway. She then calls, I'm half asleep mind you, and I snap. Oh god I felt so bad. I told her that the carriage is really the last thing on my mind and that I'm frustrated and stressed. She asked me if Phatty and I were still together and I told her I didn't know. Then I burst out in tears and told her I didn't want to talk and hung up on her. Then I started hyperventilating and thinking about all the reasons why Phatty and I shouldn't be together and how much he has hurt me. "Eva Longoria didn't take this shit from her man and he is a millionaire! "
Then I stopped myself and called Phatty. I woke him up, but he was eager to listen to me and calmed me right down. The man I was just bashing in my thoughts was the only one whose voice could soothe me at that right moment. That's when it became clear. I've been so concerned with him getting a job and stability, but there is one thing this man is in total control of: My Security. Right in the palm of his hand. Damn.
Well, needless to say, now I can't sleep. But I'm not crying! lol