Today was one of those days that tested my patience and capability as MOM. I accomplished so much today and I'm not exhausted as I am proud of myself. I woke up this morning, showered, got CJ ready and took him to his Dad's then went to school. Took two tests: scored a 99% on one and a 95% on the other then had lunch with Alana. I then went home and spent damn near 3 hours on the phone with Medicaid and Molina Heath Care and about 15 pediatricians from all over Miami, but I finally got a free check up and free shots for CJ. I then packed my WIC checks, my food stamps and an ass load of coupons and went grocery shopping. I got almost $400 in groceries for $35 including some beautiful flowers to brighten up the house a little bit. Then I picked up CJ, made some soup and CJ's bananas and we ate together for the first time. Then he helped me clean up, I bathed him and put him down to bed. He's such a good boy. Once I'm done with this blog, I'll be doing homework, the dishes and bathing. And FINALLY going to bed.
Today was a good day. But not as good as last night....
I had my first sex dream without Chris in it. And it was WAY hot :) As long as my subconscious keeps it up, I think I'll be A-O-K. lol
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Stress.
Stress. It's such a shitty thing man.
I feel like my whole body is just about to fall apart. I'm exhausted and worn out. I feel like anyday now I'm just going to SNAP.
Dealing with stress has never really been my forte. I guess I never really had to deal with as much stress as I'm experiencing now. I know there are constructive ways of dealing with stress, I just don't implement them at all. But now my psoriasis has flared up to debilitating proportions, I have this strange constant vibration in my right foot, nightly migraines, I've been eating WAY too much, snapping at people for no reason and I'm seriously about to go ape shit soon... not to mention all the nightmares with HIM in them. (((side note: I took a decent look at him when I was leaving his house after picking up CJ and it looks like he's wasting away. Totally NOT even attracted to him anymore... and surprisingly, it made me sad.)))
I know that deep breathing is a good stress releaver... I just have to remember to do it. I think I will write the word BREATHE on my wrist... just as a reminder.
I know exercise is too and I really want to join a gym again, but I really don't have the funds for that. I think I will implement my nightly walks with CJ on a more regular basis.
I know that one day I'll be able to look back upon this time in my life and see how I grew from it. That thought is sometimes the only thing that really gets me through all the crap. Until then I guess I'll be huffin n puffin and jazz-ersizing my ass off
I feel like my whole body is just about to fall apart. I'm exhausted and worn out. I feel like anyday now I'm just going to SNAP.
Dealing with stress has never really been my forte. I guess I never really had to deal with as much stress as I'm experiencing now. I know there are constructive ways of dealing with stress, I just don't implement them at all. But now my psoriasis has flared up to debilitating proportions, I have this strange constant vibration in my right foot, nightly migraines, I've been eating WAY too much, snapping at people for no reason and I'm seriously about to go ape shit soon... not to mention all the nightmares with HIM in them. (((side note: I took a decent look at him when I was leaving his house after picking up CJ and it looks like he's wasting away. Totally NOT even attracted to him anymore... and surprisingly, it made me sad.)))
I know that deep breathing is a good stress releaver... I just have to remember to do it. I think I will write the word BREATHE on my wrist... just as a reminder.
I know exercise is too and I really want to join a gym again, but I really don't have the funds for that. I think I will implement my nightly walks with CJ on a more regular basis.
I know that one day I'll be able to look back upon this time in my life and see how I grew from it. That thought is sometimes the only thing that really gets me through all the crap. Until then I guess I'll be huffin n puffin and jazz-ersizing my ass off
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Let's get real.
Tonight, while I was doing laundry and washing some dishes, CJ decided he couldn't wait for his bath to pass out. Trust me, I'm not complaining. The news was bombarding my living room with the tales of robberies and murders... I'm sorry, but I have no time or space in my living room for that crap, so the TV was promptly nixed. As CJ sways in his swing, I kicked my feet up and started reading an article in March's issue of SELF magazine; "Get Real. Authenticity is key to happy, healthy, more meaningful existence, research shows. And yet, what sounds easy-Just be yourself!- can be surprisingly hard to do. Find out how to be your truest self and love your life more every day."
I have felt so lost lately and as I read the article it was like the author knew I would pick up that magazine on this night. It goes through a step by step process of coming to an understanding of who you are, what your values are and how to not be afraid to let your actions reflect your values. ((almost reminds me of that segment, "when keepin it real goes wrong...lol.))The author, Marjorie Ingall, encouraged the reader to grab a pen and paper and jot down thoughts and responses to the steps she gives. If you think about it, it's so hard to march to the beat of your own drummer. We, as women, are taught that we need to couple up and have kids in order to have a fulfilling life, that we need to be concerned about fitting in than to be authentic to our own rhythms. So, naturally, I grabbed my laptop and here we go:
Four keys to living authentically....
1) An awareness of what makes you tick.
What makes me tick:
a)I'd rather be living in a clean artful home
b)I'd rather have a basic knowledge of something before it's sprung into my lap.
c)I hate incompetence, poor customer service and poor communication.
d)I prefer structure in my day to day life, but still enjoy the fun spontaneity can offer
e)I hate infidelity.
f)I prefer a close circle of great friends than a broad circle of acquaintances.
2)The ability to gauge your weaknesses.
My weak points:
a) I'm always late and stressed
b)I have a tendency to stretch the truth when telling a story
c)I often confuse my dreams with reality
d)I am as lazy as I am a hard worker
e)I spend entirely way too much money, that I don't have, on things I really don't need to impress people I don't even much like.
f)I am messy
g) my expectations of how others need to act and treat me are often unrealistic
3)A willingness to act in accordance to your values.
I often act against my values in order to mesh with someone else in a relationship. That obviously hasn't gotten me anywhere. I then get so fed up (as per my last 3 relationships) that I finally leave after flip flopping the issue and weighing circumstances to be more important than my life and values. I also hate rejection and hate that I know I am hurting someone else. I don't do this with friends or family however... hmm.
4)Honest and sincere relationships.
I have no problem with honest disclosure to people I have personal relationships with. More often than not, that's what get's me in trouble and therefore eventually shuts me down. Fuck them. lol
Pinpoint what matters to you!
-What makes you happiest? Playing with my son, painting/drawing, great conversation over cocktails or coffee, cuddling up with someone who really loves me, looking great, my hair, being rewarded for my hard work, volunteering in my community, helping a friend, coming home to my family, not getting those antagonizing phone calls from bill collectors, midnight margaritas or "fuckitall" fridays, being in nature, peace and quiet, a good book, living in a clean home.
-Next, consider what upsets you most. Being disconnected, lies, being disappointed in other peoples behavior, shitty friends, child abuse, injustice, homeless/hungry children, racism, egos, shitty sense of humor, people not exercising their ability to help others, selfishness, crimes against women.
-What are your deepest fears?Disappointing my son and settling for less than what I deserve.
-What gifts do you want to share?I love making people feel beautiful, I'm a great writer, I enjoy volunteering and impacting my community in a positive way, I'm a great Mom.
Know your weaknesses.
-A time you ignored your gut. The moment I met Chris, I knew I should've walked away. But, I did get my amazing boy out of the whole deal.
-A time you tried to whitewash one of your flaws. Whenever a relationship ends on terms other than my own, I flip out, go a little crazy and always blame the other party for my heartache. ie: "I was fine until he said/did ...xyz... so I had to key his car/stalk his ass/not let him get away with it." Deep down I know I did my fair share of dirt to ruin the relationship, but it's not over until I say it is..otherwise I'm making your life a living hell...<---lol my warning label :)
-A time you blamed someone else for your mistake. I think I'm pretty good at fessing up what I mess up. However, I do make excuse from other peoples actions to validate my reactions, as in the example above. "well, if she just minded her own business, I wouldn't have had to put her out on front street" etc etc.
Align your values and actions.
-Think of a time you didn't act in concert with your values. I could think of a hundred times in my relationship with Chris alone.
-Reflect on the possible consequences if you had acted differently. Chances are, I would have bared my pregnancy alone, I would have left him when I read a letter sent to him from another girl, but by that time I was already pregnant. I probably would have moved away and never have told him of his son. There was countless times I should have left him...
Dare to reveal your true self.
-Consider whether or not you express your true emotions. I honestly think that I do. When I'm jealous, I state it... when I'm sad I cry openly. I don't shut down and I sure as hell don't stay quiet. I do however think that I use the wrong outlets for my frustration and anger , ahem.. facebook...I need to develop that maturity to choose the time and place to discuss my feelings with those who have impacted me to the point of negative emotion. Then I have my blog... I know I can vent on here and if anyone has an issue with it, it breaks down very easily. You chose to come here and read what I have to say, you can also choose to never come back.
Authentic living is something I truly want to strive for. Something to think about while I decide on what to give up on friday.
I have felt so lost lately and as I read the article it was like the author knew I would pick up that magazine on this night. It goes through a step by step process of coming to an understanding of who you are, what your values are and how to not be afraid to let your actions reflect your values. ((almost reminds me of that segment, "when keepin it real goes wrong...lol.))The author, Marjorie Ingall, encouraged the reader to grab a pen and paper and jot down thoughts and responses to the steps she gives. If you think about it, it's so hard to march to the beat of your own drummer. We, as women, are taught that we need to couple up and have kids in order to have a fulfilling life, that we need to be concerned about fitting in than to be authentic to our own rhythms. So, naturally, I grabbed my laptop and here we go:
Four keys to living authentically....
1) An awareness of what makes you tick.
What makes me tick:
a)I'd rather be living in a clean artful home
b)I'd rather have a basic knowledge of something before it's sprung into my lap.
c)I hate incompetence, poor customer service and poor communication.
d)I prefer structure in my day to day life, but still enjoy the fun spontaneity can offer
e)I hate infidelity.
f)I prefer a close circle of great friends than a broad circle of acquaintances.
2)The ability to gauge your weaknesses.
My weak points:
a) I'm always late and stressed
b)I have a tendency to stretch the truth when telling a story
c)I often confuse my dreams with reality
d)I am as lazy as I am a hard worker
e)I spend entirely way too much money, that I don't have, on things I really don't need to impress people I don't even much like.
f)I am messy
g) my expectations of how others need to act and treat me are often unrealistic
3)A willingness to act in accordance to your values.
I often act against my values in order to mesh with someone else in a relationship. That obviously hasn't gotten me anywhere. I then get so fed up (as per my last 3 relationships) that I finally leave after flip flopping the issue and weighing circumstances to be more important than my life and values. I also hate rejection and hate that I know I am hurting someone else. I don't do this with friends or family however... hmm.
4)Honest and sincere relationships.
I have no problem with honest disclosure to people I have personal relationships with. More often than not, that's what get's me in trouble and therefore eventually shuts me down. Fuck them. lol
Pinpoint what matters to you!
-What makes you happiest? Playing with my son, painting/drawing, great conversation over cocktails or coffee, cuddling up with someone who really loves me, looking great, my hair, being rewarded for my hard work, volunteering in my community, helping a friend, coming home to my family, not getting those antagonizing phone calls from bill collectors, midnight margaritas or "fuckitall" fridays, being in nature, peace and quiet, a good book, living in a clean home.
-Next, consider what upsets you most. Being disconnected, lies, being disappointed in other peoples behavior, shitty friends, child abuse, injustice, homeless/hungry children, racism, egos, shitty sense of humor, people not exercising their ability to help others, selfishness, crimes against women.
-What are your deepest fears?Disappointing my son and settling for less than what I deserve.
-What gifts do you want to share?I love making people feel beautiful, I'm a great writer, I enjoy volunteering and impacting my community in a positive way, I'm a great Mom.
Know your weaknesses.
-A time you ignored your gut. The moment I met Chris, I knew I should've walked away. But, I did get my amazing boy out of the whole deal.
-A time you tried to whitewash one of your flaws. Whenever a relationship ends on terms other than my own, I flip out, go a little crazy and always blame the other party for my heartache. ie: "I was fine until he said/did ...xyz... so I had to key his car/stalk his ass/not let him get away with it." Deep down I know I did my fair share of dirt to ruin the relationship, but it's not over until I say it is..otherwise I'm making your life a living hell...<---lol my warning label :)
-A time you blamed someone else for your mistake. I think I'm pretty good at fessing up what I mess up. However, I do make excuse from other peoples actions to validate my reactions, as in the example above. "well, if she just minded her own business, I wouldn't have had to put her out on front street" etc etc.
Align your values and actions.
-Think of a time you didn't act in concert with your values. I could think of a hundred times in my relationship with Chris alone.
-Reflect on the possible consequences if you had acted differently. Chances are, I would have bared my pregnancy alone, I would have left him when I read a letter sent to him from another girl, but by that time I was already pregnant. I probably would have moved away and never have told him of his son. There was countless times I should have left him...
Dare to reveal your true self.
-Consider whether or not you express your true emotions. I honestly think that I do. When I'm jealous, I state it... when I'm sad I cry openly. I don't shut down and I sure as hell don't stay quiet. I do however think that I use the wrong outlets for my frustration and anger , ahem.. facebook...I need to develop that maturity to choose the time and place to discuss my feelings with those who have impacted me to the point of negative emotion. Then I have my blog... I know I can vent on here and if anyone has an issue with it, it breaks down very easily. You chose to come here and read what I have to say, you can also choose to never come back.
Authentic living is something I truly want to strive for. Something to think about while I decide on what to give up on friday.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
So much Drama....
Wow, I really haven't posted in a long while. My life had dramatically changed since the last time I posted. I kinda wish that my biggest problems were still my wipes warmer turning my wipes brown. But alas, I'm back to work, albeit, only on the weekends... but that's about all I can really take of it. I go to school now monday - friday and Chris, my son's father, takes care of my son (mostly) while I'm in school.
Oh, and I have officially gone nuts.
I have decided to vent rage and ramble in this entry so if it doesn't make sense, it really shouldn't, nor should it matter to much of anyone other than me. I just need to write, get it out, move on and, of course, have it documented so one day when I'm happy, I can remember how I felt today and see how far I've gone.
I feel so cheated by him. He promised me everything and although, in the back of my head I knew it was all bullshit, I still believed him and gave him a son. And now I lash out and act really immaturely. I text him about how he ruined me and about the hatred I harbor for him. Why? Because I get no real free time. Granted I like school and I appreciate work, but my life isn't like his. He has to be responsible for 7.5 hours a day, 5 days a week, most of which CJ is napping through so the cumulative hours of weekly responsibility really aren't much. He then borrows someone else's motorcycle and rides off to god knows (or cares) where and does whatever the fuck he wants. It's not fucking fair. My life consists of my son,work, school, perfecting my craft, sleeping and eating. That's it. I had a guy ask me the other day what were my hobbies... are you FUCKING KIDDING ME! And this was coming from a guy who's also a Dad. Idiot.
And it's not like I hate my life I really don't. I live in a beautiful home, I have a great support system, I have a blast at school, I'm really great at my job... I could stand to make more money, but I mean common, who couldn't? My son is awesome, my friends are amazing... granted I'm not exactly where I want to be... but most of that comes from this HATRED I have for my son's father.
So back to why I hate him. It's not just his lack of responsibility either... because the lackey morons around him enable it too... but that's a whole other blog entry. I just feel so disappointed, let down, fooled, lied to, manipulated, abused, fucked over! And the worse part is... I can't just erase him from my life. We have a baby. FUCKING LAME. Don't give me that "oh but you love your son and he's so amazing" crap. Duh. I know this. Doesn't change the fact that I hate his father.
It's shit like this that makes me feel like "love" and "sex" and their interconnections are the root of all that is wrong with the human psyche. I feel heartless and asexual. Fuck love.
My hatred started brewing the night Chris and I went to the auto show and I found out he was sending pictures to and from some skank (who has her own family mind you and acted like my friend) that were wholly inappropriate in EVERY way. Then the shit kept piling on and I kept taking it. Until finally I can't. And I finally leave him.
But now every time I drop off my boy I am reminded of the family that was built on lies. About the promises he made me and how he just told me what I wanted to hear. If I had left him when I first had the inclination to, I would have had 11 phat-free months... granted single and pregnant wouldn't exactly have been amazing... but I could've always said it wasn't his. That's what is so fucked up. I just can't get him out of my life. At least now CJ is starting to look more like me... thank god.
I also feel like he never has to really pay for his actions... he's always in and out of jail (red flag much)and he just doesn't care about anyone but himself. He constantly manipulates to get what he wants with no regard for other people.
And he'll probably be just like his father... a complete dick to women, leaving a trail of children behind until finally one day he just snaps the fuck out of it, grows up and commits. The sad part? I won't ever be her, even though he promised. Asshole. Let's hope it's not genetic and CJ stays awesome.
Whew. FUCK IT! It's over. He can be someone else's problem now. I just get a little crazy when I think about the life I thought we were going to have and the life I ended up with. Hopefully the two of them get crotch rot and die a humiliating death. Like Elvis or Mama Cas.
Wow, I already feel so much better. I just really need an outlet.
I need to really commit to more productive behaviors.
I brought back my facebook, because I really need to network with work and school... otherwise I won't get very far... but I did delete and block an ass load of people. :) That block button makes me happy. Mostly HIS friends and family... a lot of whom I will miss, but I can't risk them running off to him about every little thing I do. Not like I do anything particularly racy, just dont wanna antagonize the sleeping lion, ya dig? I need to keep my FB for what it was meant for... networking.
My blog will still continue being the mud slinging, venting and all around awesomeness that is Liz's blogs. Man I wish I still had access to the one I had on myspace... That was EPIC! (*wink at Alana*)
I need to keep my bonding time with CJ totally sacred. No phone, no TV, no internet... just me and my boy.
I need to commit to doing at least 30-60 minutes of homework a night after CJ goes to sleep, even if it's just reading or youtube tutorials.
I need to commit to a healthy life style including exercise daily. Even though Chris took away my exercise vids... I still have an amazing neighborhood to walk or jog in. I need to also make appointments with my eye doctor, dentist and a family therapist. Health isn't just about losing weight and looking hot... it's about your body's optimal performance and getting there the right way.
I am hereby making myself the promise that when I start getting too deep into my head and heart I will not reach for my phone but to turn it off and instead, do something awesome for my life. After all, the best revenge is a life successfully lived.
Oh, and I have officially gone nuts.
I have decided to vent rage and ramble in this entry so if it doesn't make sense, it really shouldn't, nor should it matter to much of anyone other than me. I just need to write, get it out, move on and, of course, have it documented so one day when I'm happy, I can remember how I felt today and see how far I've gone.
I feel so cheated by him. He promised me everything and although, in the back of my head I knew it was all bullshit, I still believed him and gave him a son. And now I lash out and act really immaturely. I text him about how he ruined me and about the hatred I harbor for him. Why? Because I get no real free time. Granted I like school and I appreciate work, but my life isn't like his. He has to be responsible for 7.5 hours a day, 5 days a week, most of which CJ is napping through so the cumulative hours of weekly responsibility really aren't much. He then borrows someone else's motorcycle and rides off to god knows (or cares) where and does whatever the fuck he wants. It's not fucking fair. My life consists of my son,work, school, perfecting my craft, sleeping and eating. That's it. I had a guy ask me the other day what were my hobbies... are you FUCKING KIDDING ME! And this was coming from a guy who's also a Dad. Idiot.
And it's not like I hate my life I really don't. I live in a beautiful home, I have a great support system, I have a blast at school, I'm really great at my job... I could stand to make more money, but I mean common, who couldn't? My son is awesome, my friends are amazing... granted I'm not exactly where I want to be... but most of that comes from this HATRED I have for my son's father.
So back to why I hate him. It's not just his lack of responsibility either... because the lackey morons around him enable it too... but that's a whole other blog entry. I just feel so disappointed, let down, fooled, lied to, manipulated, abused, fucked over! And the worse part is... I can't just erase him from my life. We have a baby. FUCKING LAME. Don't give me that "oh but you love your son and he's so amazing" crap. Duh. I know this. Doesn't change the fact that I hate his father.
It's shit like this that makes me feel like "love" and "sex" and their interconnections are the root of all that is wrong with the human psyche. I feel heartless and asexual. Fuck love.
My hatred started brewing the night Chris and I went to the auto show and I found out he was sending pictures to and from some skank (who has her own family mind you and acted like my friend) that were wholly inappropriate in EVERY way. Then the shit kept piling on and I kept taking it. Until finally I can't. And I finally leave him.
But now every time I drop off my boy I am reminded of the family that was built on lies. About the promises he made me and how he just told me what I wanted to hear. If I had left him when I first had the inclination to, I would have had 11 phat-free months... granted single and pregnant wouldn't exactly have been amazing... but I could've always said it wasn't his. That's what is so fucked up. I just can't get him out of my life. At least now CJ is starting to look more like me... thank god.
I also feel like he never has to really pay for his actions... he's always in and out of jail (red flag much)and he just doesn't care about anyone but himself. He constantly manipulates to get what he wants with no regard for other people.
And he'll probably be just like his father... a complete dick to women, leaving a trail of children behind until finally one day he just snaps the fuck out of it, grows up and commits. The sad part? I won't ever be her, even though he promised. Asshole. Let's hope it's not genetic and CJ stays awesome.
Whew. FUCK IT! It's over. He can be someone else's problem now. I just get a little crazy when I think about the life I thought we were going to have and the life I ended up with. Hopefully the two of them get crotch rot and die a humiliating death. Like Elvis or Mama Cas.
Wow, I already feel so much better. I just really need an outlet.
I need to really commit to more productive behaviors.
I brought back my facebook, because I really need to network with work and school... otherwise I won't get very far... but I did delete and block an ass load of people. :) That block button makes me happy. Mostly HIS friends and family... a lot of whom I will miss, but I can't risk them running off to him about every little thing I do. Not like I do anything particularly racy, just dont wanna antagonize the sleeping lion, ya dig? I need to keep my FB for what it was meant for... networking.
My blog will still continue being the mud slinging, venting and all around awesomeness that is Liz's blogs. Man I wish I still had access to the one I had on myspace... That was EPIC! (*wink at Alana*)
I need to keep my bonding time with CJ totally sacred. No phone, no TV, no internet... just me and my boy.
I need to commit to doing at least 30-60 minutes of homework a night after CJ goes to sleep, even if it's just reading or youtube tutorials.
I need to commit to a healthy life style including exercise daily. Even though Chris took away my exercise vids... I still have an amazing neighborhood to walk or jog in. I need to also make appointments with my eye doctor, dentist and a family therapist. Health isn't just about losing weight and looking hot... it's about your body's optimal performance and getting there the right way.
I am hereby making myself the promise that when I start getting too deep into my head and heart I will not reach for my phone but to turn it off and instead, do something awesome for my life. After all, the best revenge is a life successfully lived.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Things this New Mother can and can't live without!!!!!!
Useless:
-Wipes warmer. I guess if you do have the space, go for it... but generally they just take up space and turn your wipes brown :/
-Moby Wraps. Not for smaller or newborn babies and too much assembly required for each use
Useful:
-Bottle warmer!! Especially one that automatically turns off when your bottle is ready.
-Sling... no doubt the one item that saved my sanity. Keeps baby close and your hands free to take care of things around the house.
-Hand Sanitizer. keep a bottle in every place you may change the diaper or entertain or feed your baby.
-Lots of Blankets!!!! Warm ones for cold nights, receiving blankets for well... everything. Stay away from hand knitted blankets where the stitch is too open... little fingers and toes can get caught in an open weave and cause a 3 am screamfest you can do without.
-Something that cradles, swings and entertains your baby. We lucked out and have two swings and a mobile for CJ which have proven to be invaluable. He has a Fisher Price under water themed swing that has wave noises that soothe mom too :)
-Bottle and nipple sterilizer... if you're strictly breast feeding then I guess not... but you will give up... eventually. lol
-COMPRESSION!!!!!! A Compression belt other than the horridly itchy one they give you in the hospital. I recommend a Belly Bandit, I'm soon going to invest in a Mother Tucker too. :) Compression socks for postpartum leg swelling is a must.
-Cortisone creme. Your skin will itch after you get the good drugs for delivery... like hell. But If you're anything like me, my belly skin itches as everything is going back to normal ( i gained 72 lbs during pregnancy, but no stretch marks THANK GODDESS!) The Cortisone creme helps me not tear my skin off, but eventually I got a prescription itch creme when I developed PUPPP. Benedryl helps some moms and is safe when you're breast feeding, but it didn't do shit for me. LOL.
-Calcium! Especially if you're breast feeding. I get mine with milk and cheese but I guess you can supplement too... ask your OB first tho. I know when I'm getting drained when my teeth hurt. Listen to your body ladies!
-Mommy's Happy Place. It's okay to lock yourself in the closet for 15 minutes to decompress, just remember, if there's no fever your baby is fine... you just have to figure out what they need and the only way to do that is to stay calm.
-Wipes warmer. I guess if you do have the space, go for it... but generally they just take up space and turn your wipes brown :/
-Moby Wraps. Not for smaller or newborn babies and too much assembly required for each use
Useful:
-Bottle warmer!! Especially one that automatically turns off when your bottle is ready.
-Sling... no doubt the one item that saved my sanity. Keeps baby close and your hands free to take care of things around the house.
-Hand Sanitizer. keep a bottle in every place you may change the diaper or entertain or feed your baby.
-Lots of Blankets!!!! Warm ones for cold nights, receiving blankets for well... everything. Stay away from hand knitted blankets where the stitch is too open... little fingers and toes can get caught in an open weave and cause a 3 am screamfest you can do without.
-Something that cradles, swings and entertains your baby. We lucked out and have two swings and a mobile for CJ which have proven to be invaluable. He has a Fisher Price under water themed swing that has wave noises that soothe mom too :)
-Bottle and nipple sterilizer... if you're strictly breast feeding then I guess not... but you will give up... eventually. lol
-COMPRESSION!!!!!! A Compression belt other than the horridly itchy one they give you in the hospital. I recommend a Belly Bandit, I'm soon going to invest in a Mother Tucker too. :) Compression socks for postpartum leg swelling is a must.
-Cortisone creme. Your skin will itch after you get the good drugs for delivery... like hell. But If you're anything like me, my belly skin itches as everything is going back to normal ( i gained 72 lbs during pregnancy, but no stretch marks THANK GODDESS!) The Cortisone creme helps me not tear my skin off, but eventually I got a prescription itch creme when I developed PUPPP. Benedryl helps some moms and is safe when you're breast feeding, but it didn't do shit for me. LOL.
-Calcium! Especially if you're breast feeding. I get mine with milk and cheese but I guess you can supplement too... ask your OB first tho. I know when I'm getting drained when my teeth hurt. Listen to your body ladies!
-Mommy's Happy Place. It's okay to lock yourself in the closet for 15 minutes to decompress, just remember, if there's no fever your baby is fine... you just have to figure out what they need and the only way to do that is to stay calm.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Superman's trying to escape the phone booth early.
So after some suffering with swelling and constantly being hot we finally get to see my doctor last friday. Turns out my blood pressure was 160/100 and my OB flipped out. I was immediately checked into Mt.Sinai's Labor and Delivery department and given my own room in the corner, away from all the drama and craziness that wing has a tendency to be. My BP didn't get down to a normal range for 2 days. I was released on Sunday afternoon. While I was there they ran blood tests on me every day (3 total) and made me do a 24 hour urine collection, which was slightly gross. They also yelled at me a lot for not drinking enough water... and now, at home, I get a bottle of water shoved in my face at every free moment. At some point friday evening, my attending doctor tells me and Phatty that if my BP doesn't calm down, they will have to be forced to deliver CJ early. So sunday afternoon Phatty buys me a philly cheesesteak sandwich from Jimmy's and we go home to relax for the rest of the day. Monday morning we have another OB visit.
Slightly prepared to have to stay in the hospital again, we reluctantly go into the OB office 10 minutes late. I give my pee and wait for my vitals to be taken... shocking ... 158/100. I'm immediately rushed in a room and made to lie on my left side for 15 minutes, or nearly to the point where I thought I was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. Apparently laying all the way flat is never the way to go when you're 9 months pregnant. They take my BP again 145/90 much better. Then my doc comes running in from just delivering a baby next door... crazy. She tells me that she's not happy at all with my BP numbers and guess what? I'm goin back into Labor and Delivery, but just for testing thank god. She also tells me that she's putting me on blood pressure medication, and that she'd be surprised if I make it past the weekend, but she will definitely deliver me at 37 weeks. That's in a week and 2 days!! The look on Phatty's face was priceless.
So we go over to LnD and I sit in triage and send Phatty off to get some fresh air. After giving more pee and blood I'm hooked up to a baby monitor and they take my BP at least 10 times in the hour and a half I'm there.... luckily for me, my BP dropped dramatically so I wasn't going to be admitted. I then head over to get an ultrasound. My Dr tells me that I will be seeing her 2xs a week and getting an ultrasound once a week... thank GOD I got insurance when I did!!! I called Phatty and he met me half way there. We go in to see our little man, for the second time in 4 days. He measures at 38 weeks! Thats 3 weeks further than what I am! And he weighs in at just under 7 pounds. We see his heart pumping, all four chambers working perfectly and his little lungs filling up completely and he's breathing normally. A good sign according to the tech. Then we see his beautiful little face. His perfect little nose and big pouty lips, he is just beautiful. The tech leaves the room because I have to disrobe so he can get my cervix measurements and I look over at Phatty just to see his eyes well up. It hit him. Finally. "Aw, baby come here." I open my ams to him and like a little boy he shook his head no and looked down... "COME HERE NOW" and he leaned into my arms and held me the tightest he's ever held me and just cried. It was beautiful. Well I mean common.. we made one hell of a cute baby, chubby cheeks and all. I don't blame him one bit. We walked back to LnD through the winding hallways just a little bit closer to each other, just a little more like parents. I was released shortly after that and I'm being made to do the 24 hour urine collection thing again. Lame, but at least I get to be at home. My next OB visit is on Thursday, and we are all preparing for my pending admission into LnD.
Phatty washed the car and we will be installing the car seat tomorrow at his friends, Mikey's house. We've been doing laundry all day and I packed my bag for the hospital. Tomorrow I will clean the bathroom, dust and vacuum and get the crib ready. Then we need to go and drop off my urine..lol. Then it's time to sleep until possible d-day Thursday.
So what was that about making plans? Lol. Needless to say, I think the newly acquired skill of being ready for anything will come in handy when I become a Mom :)
Slightly prepared to have to stay in the hospital again, we reluctantly go into the OB office 10 minutes late. I give my pee and wait for my vitals to be taken... shocking ... 158/100. I'm immediately rushed in a room and made to lie on my left side for 15 minutes, or nearly to the point where I thought I was going to pass out from lack of oxygen. Apparently laying all the way flat is never the way to go when you're 9 months pregnant. They take my BP again 145/90 much better. Then my doc comes running in from just delivering a baby next door... crazy. She tells me that she's not happy at all with my BP numbers and guess what? I'm goin back into Labor and Delivery, but just for testing thank god. She also tells me that she's putting me on blood pressure medication, and that she'd be surprised if I make it past the weekend, but she will definitely deliver me at 37 weeks. That's in a week and 2 days!! The look on Phatty's face was priceless.
So we go over to LnD and I sit in triage and send Phatty off to get some fresh air. After giving more pee and blood I'm hooked up to a baby monitor and they take my BP at least 10 times in the hour and a half I'm there.... luckily for me, my BP dropped dramatically so I wasn't going to be admitted. I then head over to get an ultrasound. My Dr tells me that I will be seeing her 2xs a week and getting an ultrasound once a week... thank GOD I got insurance when I did!!! I called Phatty and he met me half way there. We go in to see our little man, for the second time in 4 days. He measures at 38 weeks! Thats 3 weeks further than what I am! And he weighs in at just under 7 pounds. We see his heart pumping, all four chambers working perfectly and his little lungs filling up completely and he's breathing normally. A good sign according to the tech. Then we see his beautiful little face. His perfect little nose and big pouty lips, he is just beautiful. The tech leaves the room because I have to disrobe so he can get my cervix measurements and I look over at Phatty just to see his eyes well up. It hit him. Finally. "Aw, baby come here." I open my ams to him and like a little boy he shook his head no and looked down... "COME HERE NOW" and he leaned into my arms and held me the tightest he's ever held me and just cried. It was beautiful. Well I mean common.. we made one hell of a cute baby, chubby cheeks and all. I don't blame him one bit. We walked back to LnD through the winding hallways just a little bit closer to each other, just a little more like parents. I was released shortly after that and I'm being made to do the 24 hour urine collection thing again. Lame, but at least I get to be at home. My next OB visit is on Thursday, and we are all preparing for my pending admission into LnD.
Phatty washed the car and we will be installing the car seat tomorrow at his friends, Mikey's house. We've been doing laundry all day and I packed my bag for the hospital. Tomorrow I will clean the bathroom, dust and vacuum and get the crib ready. Then we need to go and drop off my urine..lol. Then it's time to sleep until possible d-day Thursday.
So what was that about making plans? Lol. Needless to say, I think the newly acquired skill of being ready for anything will come in handy when I become a Mom :)
Friday, January 7, 2011
34 days and counting...
Can you believe it? In just about 4 weeks, I'll be giving birth to my little man!!! I'm so excited! I was super nervous about it before, but I feel very much at peace with it now. I'm content that my body, and CJ are in complete control over what's going to happen in the next few weeks. I've learned the biggest lesson that I think only being pregnant could've taught me... Letting go. It's still difficult to do every time something unplanned happens, but it's still there.
My belly is ever expanding, long pink lines form a cross over my protruding belly button. My feet haven't been their normal size for well over 5 months now, some flip flops won't even fit me. Cravings are back... mostly for sweets and milk and cuban bread and butter. Losing the baby weight concerns me, but I know I'll get my fabulosity back with eating right and lots of hard work. My hands swell off and on and my knuckles have turned white from the stress on my skin. I don't even wear the promise ring Phatty gave me anymore because the swelling of my hands can come on so suddenly that I've had to soap up my hands in public restrooms to get the ring off so it wouldn't cut off my circulation. I haven't seen my genitals in quite some time. I'll take a mirror to her every once in a while just to see what's she's up to, and oh boy it ain't pretty. My vagina seems so much bigger and darker than it was pre- pregnancy, and honestly I feel like it's someone else's vagina. My breasts are ever changing as well. My nipples are getting longer, and much darker. My areola is very dark, almost black and seems to be spreading in little black speckles around the larger center. My breasts are also getting much heavier, although their size really hasn't changed much. And all of this I have absolutely no control over. As someone who has dealt with body issues her whole life, I've had to come to terms that what my body looks like is a direct translation to how I treat it... not so much with pregnancy. It's going to change and there isn't a whole lot you can do about it.
I am grateful that I'm not working right now. Although I could really use the money, I've learned to let that go too. The money will come, the bill collectors will get paid. I'll figure it all out eventually. Right now, it's about being healthy and enjoying these last few weeks of pregnancy. I don't know if I will ever go through this again and it's been such a trial for me already, I refuse to allow anything to muddy up my experience.
Phatty moved in with me in our new room a few weeks ago. Our relationship is SO much better. We still bicker and have fought once since he's been here. But he's being a really good daddy-to-be and he's trying to hustle up some cash and has been helping me out for a change. I feel like we've allowed ourselves to fall in love with each other again. He'll glance over at the crib next to his side of the bed and talk to the invisible CJ that just woke up :) It's really very cute. When CJ is doing his gymnastics, Phatty will press his face up to my mutating belly and talk to CJ, calling him his Little Buddy. I can see the decisions he makes now aren't the same ones he would've made a year ago, they are ones a responsible father-to-be would make. It's just been all about finding a balance.
He is suffering from what has been dubbed the whore/madonna complex. He found my pre-pregnancy body the most beautiful and titillating thing ever, and it's not the changes that are throwing him for a loop, it's what those changes represent. Where I was a woman he could have crazy mind blowing sex with 8 or 9 months ago, I'm a mommy now. I no longer represent that whoredom he loved so much. I am now the giver of life and love. He said it perfectly one night: "what is it about love and lust that confuse you? don't you realize it's not the same thing?" The aforementioned changing vagina doesn't help either. It physically feels different for him and honestly isn't very comfortable for me for us to have conventional intercourse anymore. Although, for most couples; especially how we had been fighting and what we had been fighting over; this would have been the proverbial nail in the coffin, it has opened both our eyes to a world of intimacy and understanding of each other as sexual beings. For me, I didn't want him looking for satisfaction anywhere else, so I made it a point that I will make him feel like a god at least once or twice a day. It started off as a chore since I felt a little left out, it wasn't about my pleasure after all. But after a couple of days seeing how he really responded positively to my new found sensuality, it became a pleasure for me to perform for him. I felt like I was doing the right thing as a wife, a lover and I was reminding him who I am. Not just the mother of his child, but his ever loving wife and his ever slutty lover.lol. And THAT, my friends, gives me more pleasure than you can imagine. I think it makes him feel good too, makes him feel that his contributions to the household have been appreciated. He doesn't necessarily ask too many questions about it, he just enjoys it for what it is and has responded beautifully. Now if I can only get him to wash and wax the car.
2011 promises to be a unpredictable and exciting year for me at worse, so I'm already pretty stoked. I usually post a list of all the thing's I'd like to accomplish in the new year, but in the spirit of letting go... I won't. Not because I don't have goals and aspirations, but I understand that "life happens while you're busy making plans." -Lennon. The sad part is, a lot of people are so stuck in their plans, they don't allow themselves the chance to fully enjoy what it is life is truly showing them. It took me 2nd degree burns, a broken arm, and the incarceration of the man I love to finally be able to enjoy my pregnancy... 8 months into it...lol! It took all of that to learn, fuck it!!! It's all going to change anyway!!! Enjoy it while it's awesome so you can remember how amazing and beautiful life is when it SUCKS! "Mama, just get it while ya can"-Joplin.
My belly is ever expanding, long pink lines form a cross over my protruding belly button. My feet haven't been their normal size for well over 5 months now, some flip flops won't even fit me. Cravings are back... mostly for sweets and milk and cuban bread and butter. Losing the baby weight concerns me, but I know I'll get my fabulosity back with eating right and lots of hard work. My hands swell off and on and my knuckles have turned white from the stress on my skin. I don't even wear the promise ring Phatty gave me anymore because the swelling of my hands can come on so suddenly that I've had to soap up my hands in public restrooms to get the ring off so it wouldn't cut off my circulation. I haven't seen my genitals in quite some time. I'll take a mirror to her every once in a while just to see what's she's up to, and oh boy it ain't pretty. My vagina seems so much bigger and darker than it was pre- pregnancy, and honestly I feel like it's someone else's vagina. My breasts are ever changing as well. My nipples are getting longer, and much darker. My areola is very dark, almost black and seems to be spreading in little black speckles around the larger center. My breasts are also getting much heavier, although their size really hasn't changed much. And all of this I have absolutely no control over. As someone who has dealt with body issues her whole life, I've had to come to terms that what my body looks like is a direct translation to how I treat it... not so much with pregnancy. It's going to change and there isn't a whole lot you can do about it.
I am grateful that I'm not working right now. Although I could really use the money, I've learned to let that go too. The money will come, the bill collectors will get paid. I'll figure it all out eventually. Right now, it's about being healthy and enjoying these last few weeks of pregnancy. I don't know if I will ever go through this again and it's been such a trial for me already, I refuse to allow anything to muddy up my experience.
Phatty moved in with me in our new room a few weeks ago. Our relationship is SO much better. We still bicker and have fought once since he's been here. But he's being a really good daddy-to-be and he's trying to hustle up some cash and has been helping me out for a change. I feel like we've allowed ourselves to fall in love with each other again. He'll glance over at the crib next to his side of the bed and talk to the invisible CJ that just woke up :) It's really very cute. When CJ is doing his gymnastics, Phatty will press his face up to my mutating belly and talk to CJ, calling him his Little Buddy. I can see the decisions he makes now aren't the same ones he would've made a year ago, they are ones a responsible father-to-be would make. It's just been all about finding a balance.
He is suffering from what has been dubbed the whore/madonna complex. He found my pre-pregnancy body the most beautiful and titillating thing ever, and it's not the changes that are throwing him for a loop, it's what those changes represent. Where I was a woman he could have crazy mind blowing sex with 8 or 9 months ago, I'm a mommy now. I no longer represent that whoredom he loved so much. I am now the giver of life and love. He said it perfectly one night: "what is it about love and lust that confuse you? don't you realize it's not the same thing?" The aforementioned changing vagina doesn't help either. It physically feels different for him and honestly isn't very comfortable for me for us to have conventional intercourse anymore. Although, for most couples; especially how we had been fighting and what we had been fighting over; this would have been the proverbial nail in the coffin, it has opened both our eyes to a world of intimacy and understanding of each other as sexual beings. For me, I didn't want him looking for satisfaction anywhere else, so I made it a point that I will make him feel like a god at least once or twice a day. It started off as a chore since I felt a little left out, it wasn't about my pleasure after all. But after a couple of days seeing how he really responded positively to my new found sensuality, it became a pleasure for me to perform for him. I felt like I was doing the right thing as a wife, a lover and I was reminding him who I am. Not just the mother of his child, but his ever loving wife and his ever slutty lover.lol. And THAT, my friends, gives me more pleasure than you can imagine. I think it makes him feel good too, makes him feel that his contributions to the household have been appreciated. He doesn't necessarily ask too many questions about it, he just enjoys it for what it is and has responded beautifully. Now if I can only get him to wash and wax the car.
2011 promises to be a unpredictable and exciting year for me at worse, so I'm already pretty stoked. I usually post a list of all the thing's I'd like to accomplish in the new year, but in the spirit of letting go... I won't. Not because I don't have goals and aspirations, but I understand that "life happens while you're busy making plans." -Lennon. The sad part is, a lot of people are so stuck in their plans, they don't allow themselves the chance to fully enjoy what it is life is truly showing them. It took me 2nd degree burns, a broken arm, and the incarceration of the man I love to finally be able to enjoy my pregnancy... 8 months into it...lol! It took all of that to learn, fuck it!!! It's all going to change anyway!!! Enjoy it while it's awesome so you can remember how amazing and beautiful life is when it SUCKS! "Mama, just get it while ya can"-Joplin.
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